In Continuum.

Equilibrium

It is not out of self-admiration or adoration that i have a playlist in my iPod that reads "Myself".I write songs,i play my songs and i record them on my iPod,not because it's so damn soothing to the ear,but to listen to the flaws and how i can improve on them.

I remember last Thursday in camp,while lying in bed listening to Breaking Benjamin's "Rain",i suddenly wanted to check out on my old songs,which i havent touched in a long time.

It was a pleasure indeed,to revist some of the songs you wrote.Thinking through the emotions you went through while writing those songs feels great.It is almost like a diary,or a blog entry while you listen to it,but it comes in a musical form.I dont write very great songs,but at least i try to write them.It's not out of...well,any desire to please anybody but just a pleasure of mine i guess.

Anyway,so i was just going through the playlist when i came upon the song i wrote for her,entitled her,and recorded for her.On one hand i forgot to skip to the next track,on the other i was just plain lazy to do so.But anyway,so it just played and i listened to the tune and lyrics,then laughed at my own childish stupidity,a crime i committed only months ago.

The lyrics suddenly seemed so ridiculous,how wistful and cheery it all seemed.I was actually hoping that she wouldnt leave for Melbourne.Of course,in the end she has decided to stay,yes.Just when you think she is here to stay,and you've gotten her back,you lose her all over again.Bollocks.

As the song kept playing i found the lyrics more and more ridiculous.It's like a comment John Mayer commented about his song "No Such Thing",about him chasing his dreams,making it and wanting to go back to his High School and tell people about it.He commented that he is pushing thirty,and singing about such songs are just not...appropriate?Like how "Daughters" doesnt seem relevant,since he's not nearly a father yet.Which is of course,why he chose the Rock/Blues route in his latest album.

But anyway,it's just amazing how a song that seemed so totally fitting back then,has a totally opposite effect on things right now,when i listen to them.Like a previous entry before,when i was talking about my own Primary School diary,it all seemed all too funny to be true."Did i write that?" i asked myself,as the song went on.

Right after the song finished i had an idea.And this is,to create a musical/spiritual equilibrium to this madness.This before-and-after difference in mentality and emotions.I wrote a song,the same song again.Only this time,in a totally different context than before.I wrote it with the same tune in mind,with the same chords in mind,but minor changes to the original lyrics.The following is part of the original song:

On the 17th last month you came
The way you smiled in the photos the same
The green top that you wore
With those eyes I’ve seen before

And maybe, just maybe you’ll stay
Talk to me just like the weekends
We can keep the bullshit at bay
Our skies will then never turn gray

So there you go
Away from home
Rain falls and I’ll be alone
A smile from you, brings me into
Heaven that’s you...

After i altered some of the words,it then became the following:

Deep in my mind i know you said
Over and over and ever the same
The green top that you wore
And those eyes now forever gone

Oh i know, i know you can't stay
Never talk again like the weekends
Can't forget the bullshit you said
Grey sky cascading down my face

So there you go
Answer me no
Rain falls and I'm still alone
A tear from me, oh can't you see
Heaven, take me

There,i have created the so-called musical equilibrium.Perhaps now,i wont find the song as ridiculous as before.As i have mentioned before,i love the idea of repartee,to retort at a insult or comment.Well,perhaps this equilibrium i created,this song i wrote in contrast to the one before,is a sort of retort to myself,a repartee.Musical one.

To find balance in everything,the equilibrium.Which is also why i sometimes call myself,a man of symmetry.