In Continuum.

A Deep Breath and the Plunge

It's just like those diving competitions during the Olympics.I place myself in their shoes(Or lack thereof),as i walk to the edge of the platform ten metres up,and the world watching me upon it.I close my eyes,and i take a deep breath.I try to suck in all the air i could,and mustered all my courage into this one leap,one plunge.

Suddenly everything was quiet,all silent.The soft fidget of the audience was gone,and the sound of the water far below me shifted softly.Leaving my heart,pounding against my breast.The silence lasted for ever,and there i was on top of the platform,with all eyes on me,and my fate down below and over the edge...

This is how i feel,right now in front of the computer only hours away from my trip to Babina,India.It is funny though,how i am feeling now.I would expect myself to feel dreadful,to feel reluctant,to feel that this whole trip will be a bloody waste of my time.But it's funny how i am not feeling all those,but a tad bit of excitement.

I mean,im not terribly excited over it of course.After all,im not going to India for a shopping spree,nor am i going to go there to check out the ladies(Though North Indian ladies are pretty attractive.Some,anyway).I am there to...well,i dont really know what the hell i am going to do there.I have a vague idea,of course.But i have not a clue concerning the little details.But by a long shot,i dont expect us to be doing anything of much...difference from what we do here.

Good news,though.Flat land as far as the eyes can see.Which also means,no forests,no bashing,no slimy swamps and most of all,no dismount.Well,there will be but,at least not as screwed up as the one we have in Singapore.I remember this signed on sergeant telling us,"No matter which country you go to,Singapore is still the most fucked up".

Amen to that.

Im looking forward to the plane trip,and then the bus trip with my platoonmates.Of course,i dont expect the lot of them to be the perfect travelling companion(Considering the way they behave in bunks,i imagine myself to be ashamed about my association with them in any way),but at least i get to travel with friends for the very first time overseas.

Then there's Taj Mahal.1/7 of the Seven Wonders of the World.How amazing is that?I mean,you can count the countries that SAF actually brings their troops to.Thailand,Brunei,Taiwan,Australia and India.And think of the famous landmarks each of them has.None,i repeat,none of them can compare to the greatness of Taj Mahal.As my friend calls it,"The Great Nipples".A force to be reckoned with.

Anyway,ive got my bags packed.And when i say "packed",i mean "PACKED".The amount of stuff in my duffle bag i swear...if i throw it down from my house(The 19th floor),and it hits the ground,it would probably create a crater 10 metres in diatmeter.Or,if it plunges into the swimming pool it will create waves high enough to drown the residence in my estate from the third storey down(That includes Corinna's friend,Shuling.So i suggest her to buy a lifeboat because i am right about to be on the verge of throwing that crap out of the window).

Seriously,SAF is run by a bunch of brainless worms.Like Femin,a character from the book im reading now says,"Military is just a way to find out which part of the population is stupid".I found myself smiling as i read that in the book this afternoon down at the Bean at J8.Anyway,they make up a checklist of what to bring to India,and then expect you to pack everything into that bag.Well,fair enough since the bag is pretty big.Then you suddenly come up with extra stuff to bring,and you just keep piling up from the original list.What's the deal with that?I mean,we dont have Doraemon's pocket,an endless abyss to put our stuff.There is actually a physical limit to the size of the bag,and enough is enough!You cant just say "Oh hey,bring this with you as well.And dont forget to bring that too.It's not on the list,but stuff it in anyway".You dont do that,dumb fucks.

Anyway,that was the worst part of India.The packing.The second worst part to me is the fact that i have to wake up at a God-Forsaken time of 530 to go to the airport.Which is also why,i am not intending on sleeping tonight.I am burning the midnight oil,all the way till dawn today.Jonathan's even going to head down to McDonald's to buy something later after midnight.

Oh well,i cant say i am totally pumped for the trip,but at least im not worked up over it.Taj Mahal,here i come.

Had a little walk-about at J8 today.Initially i intended to just...walk around on my own.In the end Corinna who was there for pedicure joined me for a while.Met up with her friends,but cant remember their names.Daniel and his girlfriend,i think.

Coffee at the Bean on rainy days is something to avoid.I mean,REALLY avoid.At all costs.Now i know how the sardines feel in my fridge.Seriously,if i stay there any longer i swear passerbys would mistake me for CoffeeBean's mascot.I was frozen in my seat with a book in my hand,and trying hard not to shiver because the girls behind me were pretty cute.Okay,fine they werent.But a guy shivering in public is just not...well,it's hilarious.

Anyhow,i will be leaving tomorrow and that is 18th of February.Projected arrival date will be 5th of March.Of course,that is under the assumption that i do not get attacked by the Tamil Tigers or some terrorist running away from Afghanistan.Just pray for me friends.Pray that i will not appear on CNN,or Channel News Asia,or whatever station.I will miss you guys yeah?;)

Take care,and see you in two weeks.

Thumbelina

In the shadows behind closed doors
Thumbelina,for what do you weep?
For it is not that you are too small
But the world around you that is too big

In the night behind the silhouette
Thumbelina,for whom do you bleed?
For the Prince of the Faerys by the window ledge
Who planted in you that dreadful seed?

In the cold under the walnut shell
Thumbelina,where is this pain you feel?
Alone upon the flower petal and you shall
Learn the art of time,silent and surreal

In the morning under the sun
Thumbelina,what is the difference that you are small?
When everything unfolds and comes undone
With a heart full of love,you are more than nine feet tall.

I, Insomniac

When you try your best but you dont succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you cant sleep
Stuck in reverse...

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cant replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And i will try to fix you...

It's that time of the year again,and it is happening all over.I cant seem to figure out why though,until a few nights later.

It used to be exams that make me quiver in the stomach and cause turmoils in the head.I remember tossing and turning in bed just thinking about the empty spaces in the papers,waiting for me to fill.The fear of not being able to come up with the answers while everybody else scribble away was to me,petrifying.I hate to lose,but sometimes the fear just overcomes this drive and will do achieve,that i end up in my bed with my eyes wide opened the whole night.

Then there were those nights before i went to a new school,a new environment,a new life.The night before orientation was the worst,and let's admit it man,it was because of the girls.I mean,Secondary School was fun BECAUSE there were never girls around to judge whatever you did,which made things a little more easy-going and limitless.With girls around you tend to behave yourself a little bit,you tend to hold back just that step behind because you are afraid to be judged,to be nagged,to be talked about in the most undesired way possible.

Those were the reasons back then,why i had insomnias.They were very stupid,if not laughable reasons i know.But seriously,that's how i was back then.Especially the night before enlistment,i remember.I swear if i was ten years younger i wouldve pissed the bed.I was that scared,as i laid wide awake in bed thinking about the new life i was about/supposed to embrace.It was scary,and what a reason to be wide awake for.

But in bed a couple of nights ago,i was in camp curled up in my bed thinking about things.I couldnt get to sleep,and i didnt know why that was the case.The fan softly spunned above,and the swirling wind blew gently against my sheets.Soft rain splattered on the window panes,and the sound of Raj talking softly under his sheets could be heard from a metre away.But there i was,sleepless and desperate.

I felt tired,i really did.But have you ever had those experience,whereby you are so tired and way beyond your threshold of exhaustion you cant bring yourself to sleep?I found myself drifting in the morning,staggering down the corridor into the toilet.I even skipped breakfast on Tuesday because of a terrible headache pounding on my temples like a ten-pound hammer.Then i would get into this drowsy mode the whole day,then at night become this sleepless insomniac.I was like a living dead from a Rob Zombie movie.

Then it came to me,one night as the snoring of my bunkmates slowly took over the silence.I was listening to my iPod,trying desperately to drown myself in the lyrics of each song,hoping that they would make me fall asleep asap.Then Coldplay's "Fix You" came on,and i started listening to the lyrics closely,hoping to fall asleep after such intense concentration(This is in fact,a secret method of mine to fall asleep.By listening to the lyrics of songs intensely you will fall asleep in no time).The verse below came on,and it suddenly dawned on me,the reason for my bloody insomnia through all these nights.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Why cant you just let me go Miss Duplicity,or is Mr. Backfire ie. Me,not letting off his leash?I aches a little less and more everyday,at the same time.I dont know how to explain it,but it is kinda like those oxymoronic situations."Less is More",Robert Browning once said.That is so bloody true,right then in my situation.My sleeping disoder problem.Argh.Great,now i am stuck with this memory in my head and i cant get a proper sleep.

How do you even get rid of such memories though.My friend Invis once told me,you dont just "walk away" from a memory.To quote from her blog(Sorry for not asking for permission):

"...It's 2.50am now and i'm still thinking about relationships.I haven't been through a lot myself, but i've learned quite a number of things.Letting go doesn't mean you forget everything and stop thinking about the memories...it means moving on knowing you once experienced something beautiful.It took me a bloody 7 months to let go,it seems..."

"Experienced something beautiful" was how she termed it.I guess they were,those troubling nights in bed.What kept me up so bloody late."Parting is such sweet sorrow",a line from Shakespear's Romeo and Juliet,the line that captured the bittersweet essence of it all for me.Similar lines were said in history by famous people including Alec Guinness(aka. Obi-Wan Kenobi)who said,"Acting is happy agony".

Such oxymoronic phrases,making sense but at the same time not.Relating to me but at the same time dont.It's just so confusing,how i agree and disagree to the same thing.There is such a complexity in my thoughts,my troubling nights that i dont even know where to start,where to begin to actually...understand it.How to fall asleep again,the way i used to before August.That fateful August,why cant i just tear the pages off my diary and just join the ends?Like,connecting the ends i left untouched.Wouldnt that be a dream,a dream i actually long for.Something i hope to see,finally see,in a peaceful dream,when i really do fall asleep.When will that be,when will that be?

Wont you help fix me,Miss Duplicity.



Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And i will try...

To fix you.

---"Fix You" by Coldplay

Little Miss Duplicity

Oh,my little Miss Duplicity,
Wont you stop in your tracks?
And dance to me,under these confetti,
And fill up these bleeding gaps.

Oh,my little Miss Duplicity,
Wont you draw me another portrait?
Without any sense or sensibilities,
Last time before you elope and fade.

Oh,my little Miss Duplicity,
Wont you seize the singing?
And suffer to me completely,
For i was under you,suffering.

Oh,my little Miss Duplicity,
Wont you take me up there with you?
Overwhelm me with your felicity
And not here,drenched in a dark gray hue.

Anna Nalick

It's that time of the day again,ive ran out of topics to blog about.So i thought,why the hell not introduce somebody ive been listening to non-stop nowadays.Anna Nalick's music totally...wow,overwhelms you.It's not one of those surface music whereby the tune goes past your ears and that's that.Her lyrics have life in them,and are so raw and honest you start to curse her talent.Seriously,she's amazing.I always imagine her as the female version of John Mayer,in terms of songwriting that is.Very honest,totally real,very personal.I love her to bits.



Recommendations:

1)Breathe(2am)
2)Wreck of the Day
3)In My Head
4)Paper Bag
5)In the Rough
6)Forever Love
7)Citadel

Daniel Sempere

Daniel Sempere is the protagonist of the book i am reading now,called "The Shadow of the Wind" by Spanish author Carlos Ruiz Zafon.It is about the main character,Daniel,finding a book called "The Shadow of the Wind" the old city of Barcelona,in a place called "The Cemetery of Forgotten Books",a labyrinthine library of obscure and forgotten titles at the age of ten.As he grew up,people started to approach him,asking him questions concerning the book,and most of the time offering a large amount of money to buy it.

What began as a case of literary curiosity turns into a race to find out the truth behind the life and death of Julian Carax,the author of the book and to save those that he left behind.

A very intriguing book,and definitely lived up to my expectations(So far,anyway),and it is particularly hard to do so especially after ive just finished "Viva La Repartee".Anyway,i find myself curiously related to Daniel's life.Of course,aside from the fact that he lost his mother at youth.I guess it's just some of his personalities,characteristics that resembled me,or rang a bell within myself.

1)The desire to get a fountain pen
2)A job at the bookstore
3)Love for books
4)The stupidity of reading a book all the way into the wee-hours of the morning
5)Mentally too old for his age
6)Clara

"...I set off towards Ramblas.I stopped by the entrance to the square and turned to look at the Barcelos apartment.The windows were still in darkness,weeping with rain.I wanted to hate Clara but was unable to.To truly hate is an art one learns with time.

I swore to myself that i would never see her again,that i wouldnt mention her name or remember the time i had wasted by her side.For some strange reason,i felt at peace.The anger that had driven me out of my home had gone.I was afraid it would return,and with renewed vigour,the following day.I was afraid that jealiusy and shame would slowly consume me once all the pieces of my memory of that night fell into place.But dawn was still a few hours away,and there was one more thing i had to do before i could return home with a clean conscience..."

---Daniel Sampere from "The Shadow of the Wind" by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Sauce Spills and Cows

Before i prepare to book in,here's a little joke a friend of mine told me just this morning.It's suggestive,and not exactly...on-the-spot kinda joke.But it's hilarious once you get it,so here we go.

One day,a woman went into a laundry store to get her dirty laundry washed.However,she was in a hurry to leave the place,and therefore asked the man at the counter if she could leave the laundry with him and pick it up on Friday.The store was very noisy at that moment,and thus the man couldnt hear what the woman told him.

So he asked,"Come again?"

And the woman replied,"Oh,no.Just some sauce."

Another such suggestive joke came from the book i am reading currently.Yes,"Viva La Repartee" again.I cant remember which famous person said this,but i will just say it according to my memory.

Boy was sitting on the fence of his farm with a girl who he adores.They talked and laughed,as they watched the cows and the bulls grazed upon the grassy field.Suddenly,a bull climbed on top of one of the cows and started mating in front of them.The boy saw this as a good opportunity,and asked the girl softly.

"Hey,look at that.Looks like fun huh?"

The girl hesitated,then replied,"I dont know...it's your cow."

Have a nice day.;)

Twenty to None

The score is nineteen to zero,and there is 6 months left on the clock.He catches the ball,he dribbles and he bounces.The time is running out,but he knows he can get this ball through over the line.The opposition are closing in,they are closing in fast!Oh no,he trips and the ball sails out of his hands.The oppositions dived towards the ball,they fought and the scratched,now who is going to get it?Who is going to get it?2 months left to go,2 months left till the end of the game.He still has a chance,he still has a shot!He takes a last desperate grab at the ball,and he misses!Oh what a great tragedy for this young rookie,fresh out of college and trying to show off his talents,only to lose to an even younger rookie of the opposition.

The opposition is not holding the ball,and he runs down the field towards the finish line.Less than two months away now,and he still chases after the opposition.But no,he is too slow,and the other has already crossed the line.

Score,twenty to none and game!He lost it once again,right at the last moment when hope was at need!What an awful day for him,yet another crushing defeat.Yet another awful year for this young rookie...

Yet another.

Valentine's Day,yet again.It's funny how every single bloody year,i sit in front of this computer and complain about the same old thing:How over-rated this whole day is.Strolling through the mall at Jurong Point,you see hints of the dawning of the day everywhere.In jewelry shops you see celebrities looking deeply into the core of diamonds and rings,while at the side of them a big sign writes "Valentine's Day,special promotion!" Then on the other side of the mall where a line of pillars were,artificial flowers spiraled up the pillars and up to the top of the ceiling high above.Worst of all,red and pink everywhere.Just...everywhere.

It's funny how the origin of Valentine's Day was never exactly known to most,but celebrated by all.The word "Valentine" belongs to the name of Saint Valentine,who was a kind-hearted Roman priest.Against the wishes of Emperor Claudius he married a lot of young couples while he was alive.However,there were not just one but three Saint Valentine,mentioned in the early martyrologies under the date of 14 February.Saint Valentine,due to his defiance of the Emperor was deheaded on February the 14th.

Contrary to common beliefs that this day is full of love and romance,it is really kind of bloody,really.Which is why i think,pink shouldnt be the chief colour of decoration in malls and shops,but the colour red.Blood red.

Anyhow,you must be wondering what the hell i am doing back home on a Tueday night typing a blog entry.Oh well,it is Nights Off night,and the boys from camp were given a chance to just...hang out outside of camp.So due to the lack of locations,and date,i came home and enjoyed the comfort of it all.Just in case anybody feels a tad bit sad for me,don't.I have already convinced myself to be completely self-efficient,liberated and utterly unavaliable.

Anyway,let's face it.I walk on the street and i see pictures all around.Everybody say "Cliche"!Seriously,if you want to get a girl a bunch of roses,get real ones.Dont get the paper ones,the plastic ones,or if you are cheap enough,the ones folded from a McDonald's napkin.Because really,if you want to get her flowers,make it big.Dont do it for the sake of doing it,it just doesnt work out that way.

A friend of mine on the other blog recently talked about how Valentine is just another day to exploit customers,just like any other celebrate-able festivals.Like Joel from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" said,as he waited for his train to go to work.

"Random thoughts for Valentine's day,2004.Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."

Or,his pathetic neighbour Frank,who said this as he meant Joel while collecting mails from his mailbox on Valentine's Day.

"The only Valentine's Day cards I get are from my mother.How pathetic is that?"

While a whole bunch of love birds are holding hands,jumping around in their cirlce of joy somewhere on the same island as myself,and whole lot of bachelors and bachelorettes out there,there are a bunch of people because of this overly-romanticized occasion,are beating themselves up about it.

Im not saying that i am,but i know of a lot of people.Just looking through my MSN contact list made me come up with a few names.A friend of mine was sitting on the steps in came one day before lunch with me,when he suddenly,out of nowhere,told me a strange thing.He said,"Man,this is the twentieth Valentine's Day that i am going to spend alone.Twenty to none,how sad is that?"

Well,my theory is this.Imagine yourself twenty years from now.You are still not married,not attached,not in any physical or emotional contact with any female organisms in this universe other than your mother,your sister,your female dog Jane and your nightmare-ish landlord Mdm Tan.Now,you are living in your own little apartment,surfing the computer for potential dating partners on Friendster while talking to a horny friend of yours,telling you how amazingly vibrant his sex life has been for the past thirty years of his life,and getting a little tired about it.You,on the other hand is what they call a "Late Starter",somebody whom everybody likes to use this famous quote upon,"The longer you wait,the harder it gets".

Now,you are feeling bad about yourself,because of this self-proclaimed sex machine friend of yours.You feel bad,terribly bad,but one day you meet this girl whom you really like.Mdm Tan's daughter,and she is the biggest female nerd you have ever encountered in your bloody life,you half expect her to take off her human disguise and declare her citizenship of Ozratora,Mars.

How amazing is it going to be for you,a first-timer as compared to Mr. Sex Drive?I mean,it's just like Tiramisu,right?The more you taste of it,the more bland it gets.The more clubs you go to in one single night the more similarity you observe,then it gets boring and even more boring.

It's just a theory of mine,friend.How the world "I Love You" will eventually become a punctuation if your future wife declares her love for you every five minutes.Wouldnt it be better,or more special,if she doesnt say it at all?Or,when it comes to showing her feelings towards you she becomes this laconic person?Then one day,at this very rare occasion,she tells you silently as she leans close to you.

"Hey,i love you."

I promise you friend,you will be sky high on cloud number nine,tasting the sweetest of Cupid's arrow,sleeping in a bed of roses that night.

So screw Valentine's Day,if you really have to spend it with yourself.Comon',you are your own's best partner.After all,you are supposed to live with yourself for the rest of your bloody life,get use to your own's existence.

Equilibrium

It is not out of self-admiration or adoration that i have a playlist in my iPod that reads "Myself".I write songs,i play my songs and i record them on my iPod,not because it's so damn soothing to the ear,but to listen to the flaws and how i can improve on them.

I remember last Thursday in camp,while lying in bed listening to Breaking Benjamin's "Rain",i suddenly wanted to check out on my old songs,which i havent touched in a long time.

It was a pleasure indeed,to revist some of the songs you wrote.Thinking through the emotions you went through while writing those songs feels great.It is almost like a diary,or a blog entry while you listen to it,but it comes in a musical form.I dont write very great songs,but at least i try to write them.It's not out of...well,any desire to please anybody but just a pleasure of mine i guess.

Anyway,so i was just going through the playlist when i came upon the song i wrote for her,entitled her,and recorded for her.On one hand i forgot to skip to the next track,on the other i was just plain lazy to do so.But anyway,so it just played and i listened to the tune and lyrics,then laughed at my own childish stupidity,a crime i committed only months ago.

The lyrics suddenly seemed so ridiculous,how wistful and cheery it all seemed.I was actually hoping that she wouldnt leave for Melbourne.Of course,in the end she has decided to stay,yes.Just when you think she is here to stay,and you've gotten her back,you lose her all over again.Bollocks.

As the song kept playing i found the lyrics more and more ridiculous.It's like a comment John Mayer commented about his song "No Such Thing",about him chasing his dreams,making it and wanting to go back to his High School and tell people about it.He commented that he is pushing thirty,and singing about such songs are just not...appropriate?Like how "Daughters" doesnt seem relevant,since he's not nearly a father yet.Which is of course,why he chose the Rock/Blues route in his latest album.

But anyway,it's just amazing how a song that seemed so totally fitting back then,has a totally opposite effect on things right now,when i listen to them.Like a previous entry before,when i was talking about my own Primary School diary,it all seemed all too funny to be true."Did i write that?" i asked myself,as the song went on.

Right after the song finished i had an idea.And this is,to create a musical/spiritual equilibrium to this madness.This before-and-after difference in mentality and emotions.I wrote a song,the same song again.Only this time,in a totally different context than before.I wrote it with the same tune in mind,with the same chords in mind,but minor changes to the original lyrics.The following is part of the original song:

On the 17th last month you came
The way you smiled in the photos the same
The green top that you wore
With those eyes I’ve seen before

And maybe, just maybe you’ll stay
Talk to me just like the weekends
We can keep the bullshit at bay
Our skies will then never turn gray

So there you go
Away from home
Rain falls and I’ll be alone
A smile from you, brings me into
Heaven that’s you...

After i altered some of the words,it then became the following:

Deep in my mind i know you said
Over and over and ever the same
The green top that you wore
And those eyes now forever gone

Oh i know, i know you can't stay
Never talk again like the weekends
Can't forget the bullshit you said
Grey sky cascading down my face

So there you go
Answer me no
Rain falls and I'm still alone
A tear from me, oh can't you see
Heaven, take me

There,i have created the so-called musical equilibrium.Perhaps now,i wont find the song as ridiculous as before.As i have mentioned before,i love the idea of repartee,to retort at a insult or comment.Well,perhaps this equilibrium i created,this song i wrote in contrast to the one before,is a sort of retort to myself,a repartee.Musical one.

To find balance in everything,the equilibrium.Which is also why i sometimes call myself,a man of symmetry.

Repartee

rep.ar.tee
n.

1)A swift,witty reply.
2)Conversation marked by the exchange of witty retorts.

I am in love with the idea of repartee.The ability to say something smart and witty in response to an insult or somebody's comment is just...amazing.I was so inspired this afternoon in the Coffee Bean at Serangoon Gardens i swear,i had the urge to just go up to anybody in the cafe right then and read them a paragraph from my book.Because seriously,i am starting to think that this is one of,if not the most well-spent $26.25 in my book reading career.

Anyway,as i sipped to my cafe Latte with added sugar in the cafe waiting for Corinna i kept laughing to myself like a sodding bastard.I couldnt help it,the book was just too damn funny for me to control.In entries to come i shall quote parts of the book here for you guys' reading pleasure.

Coffee was good with Corinna today,though the Latte and Ice-Blend did not help with my sleepy mood the whole day.Nonetheless,i didnt complain much about it considering how she came home at 6am this morning.First thing first though,Corinna.If "Lolita" turns out to be a lousy book it is not my fault,but Nabokov's.Ive thought of a birthday present by the way.I want "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said" by Robert Bryne for my birthday,29th of June.It's 29th,not the 28th.Nor is it the 26th,or the 20th.29th,that's when you add one day to the 28th and a day deducted from the 30th.

29th.

The whole day i have been practising repartee in my conversations with her,subconsciously of course.You know how sometimes a movie or a book just influences the way you feel and talk at the same time?Anyway,here are a few examples of repartees i came up myself.

[When talking about one night stands]
Corinna,"Is it true that it happens a lot in the army?"
Me,"IN the army,or in the army?"

[When talking about the band,The Calling]
Corinna,"You know,they broke up!"
Me,"I never knew they were together."

Corinna,"Hey,can i tell you something?"
Me,"No."

[When she pretended to have been betrayed by me in a relationship]
Corinna,"Why did you do this to me?How can you leave me like that?"
Me,"Creative differences."

[On how long i am going to be in India]
Me,"Just a little over two weeks.But travelling takes up two days,while the total time taken for all trips to the toilet will amount to one.Let's hope it's not that far."
Dudley,"Haha.Oh well,gotta prepare yourself mentally.Now you know why progress is so fucking slow in India."
Me,"Yeah,i know.And it's made worse by the fact that they travel by donkeys."
Dudley,"Are you serious?"
Me,"No,of course im not.Im just racist."

Well,i tried.

Anyway,met up with Corinna's friend...ShuLing,i think her name is.Apparently she lives in the same estate and me and i havent a bloody clue about it.I can even see her house from my room's window.Isnt it a strange thing,to be so close to somebody but never knowing it?It's like how your soulmate might just be the asshole right next to you,but you never bothered to take a look?It's interesting,how a small world we live in.

Anyway,one last thing before i go:

God bless Repartee.

Goodbye, Messiah! (Part Two: The Savior in Green)

So my savior arrived promptly,without a pair of wings but nonetheless with a million-watts smile.There she was,my savior,my Messiah,my Cleopatra.

We agreed on some coffee and small talks before she leaves for Australia the week after the next.By then i would be in India,of course and she in Sydney,Australia.Like i mentioned a couple of entries before,concerning the details about her departure.

A side note to things,it was a freaky experience during a conversation between myself and Wei Lun the other day in camp,when he saw the book i bought for her on my bed.It was a rough guide book,the type tourists use when they visit a foreign country.But i thought it is a pretty comprehensive book,with local attractions,where to buy food,where to eat,where to club,and even the gay bars in Sydney.Very cool.

Anyway,here's the conversation we had.

"You going to Australia?"
"Nah,im buying for a friend who's going there."
"For what?"
"Study."
"Oh really,my girlfriend is going there to study as well."
"What course?"
"Vet Science."
"VET SCIENCE?"
"Yeah,why?"
"My friend too!"
"Haha.Shit,really?How old is she?"
"A year younger than us."
"Haha.Shit...shit.Same person?"
"Which University?"
"Sydney."
"Fuck."
"Yeah,fuck."
"Does she have an English name or a chinese name?"
"English."
"Oh,thank God."

Anyway,i have two reasons why i reacted...the way i did.And here's why:

1)The coincidence of it all,let's say we happen to know the same person,would be freaky as hell.
2)She wouldnt go for somebody like Wei Lun.Trust me,on that.

Back to my encounter with Cleopatra today.She was in a beautiful green top,with denim skirt.We got up to Bakerzin,and had coffee and cakes over there.It was delightful to see her again after all these time.Three more months and it would make a full year of her physical absense in my life.Seriously,a year is a bloody long time if you think about it,though however short it might seem at times.

We caught up on things,like how her As went and how the results are coming out this coming Friday.It's screwed up,but it doesnt matter to her anyway.We talked about many things,how NYJC really blew and the prom.Ms. Japan,was a topic of discussion for some reason and her question to me made my side ache.She asked,"Is she a bitch?" I swear,i almost choked on my hot chocolate cake.

I gave her the stuff i bought for her,one for her departure and another for Valentine's Day.It's a pity i never gotten around to get her card,which wouldve been great.Anyway,im so happy that she loved the gifts,especially the butterfly specimens i gave her so totally lighted her up.She adores butterflies,as much as she adores Zara clothes.Since im not a guru over fashion i figured anything to do with butterflies would be more...well,fitting.

As i showed her the Richard Simmons video on my Ipod,she giggled and laughed at his gayness of it all.I looked at her and smiled under my breath.Now,it might sound pervertic here,but my smile was totally out of admiration,mind you.Before me sat my friend,whom i have known for so long but yet,such distance.Not,because she was cold or unfriendly,but besides the fact that she looked stunning there was this difference in her.The difference being,the fact that she is leaving the life she knew soon.Her life,and mine.So there i was,sitting before her at Bakerzin,savoring every last moment of her...well,everything.

We made a detour to that Turkish restaurant again,and i ordered chocolate ice-cream while she played that little game with that Turkish dude again.It was funny to watch,how her face was contorted with surprise when that guy placed the cone in her hands and took the ice-cream away with his long scoop.It was absolutely hilarious.

As i ate my ice-cream with her at the bus stop her bus eventually came and it was time for her to go.I wanted to say something,or do something before she boards the bus.But i did,and was dumbfounded for a moment there.All i did was to wave goodbye,with the ice-cream in my hands.She smiled,and i did too,and i watched as the bus left the bay and into the traffic.The last of her,that i will ever see in a long ass time.

God,im gonna miss her so much.

Anyway,you know people take mental pictures of things?Of places,events,incidents,people?Just in case you forget,you know.I took a mental picture then,right when she was laughing at the video on my Ipod.For a moment there,just a brief moment,she was somebody else entire.I saw what was not upon her face,but what's inside that was wholly beautiful.So in case i never get to see her again,i have that image in my head.The mental picture,that i will forever keep with me,till our next meeting.

And until then,good luck in Sydney.Study hard,dont turn out like Steve Irwin.Hug a Koala Bear for me,dont smoke weed.Okay,im sounding like your mother now huh?

You will be missed.;)

Tell me your secrets
Ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Chasing the tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

Oh,take me back to the start...

"The Scientist" by Coldplay

Goodbye, Messiah! (Part One: Worms and Butterflies)

After much debate over the time and date to meet,we finally decided to meet today,110206."We" refers to my first three month's classmates from SRJC.Well,"classmates" with the "S" is hardly appropriate,considering how pathetic the attendance was.No offence,but let's be plain and honest about today's gathering.

It sucked.

Four pathetic worms were there,including me.It sort of reminded me of caterpillars,how they evolve over time into a butterfly,then fly away into the sky and beyond.Picture back in the school days when we were mere caterpillars,munching away on some fresh leaves upon a tree.Three years from then,most of us have grown wings and flown away into the mysterious realm known as: The rest of the world while some of them are reluctant to leave this tree,with delicious leaves to chew on all year long.The leaves are the memories,the butterflies are the ones who never attended the gathering today,and the ones who did are the caterpillars.Me,i was one of them.

It was for old time's sake,initially.But due to Valentine's Day most of the so-called "Butterflies" werent able to commit,and would rather spend the whole bloody day with their significant other.Some of them had other dates,while some others had tests.Oh well,what was left was just...miserable to be honest.

I felt awkward during lunch,and wanted to stab myself with the only sharp object i had in my bag: The keys to my back gate.As pathetic as it sounds,i was desperate.I mean,the others hit it off real quick as they are/were both clubbers,and had a lot of friends in common due to that...well,senseless hobby.Anyway,so they were chatting away about how cute this common friend is/was while i munched on my cup of ice quieting in the corner.When asked why i was so quiet and had nothing to say,i simply replied,"I didnt want to disturb".

That my friends,was a gathering.Whatever happened to the bonds we had when we were back in school?I understand though,i really do.I mean,three years is a bloody long time for us to still feel that bond between us.We were together for a mere what,three months.And i dont expect that period of time to build a bond strong enough to last us three bloody long years through thick and thin,experienced ten thousand miles away from each other.They say that long distance relationships doesnt work,well try to have a long distance relationship with a whole class of people you hardly ever met over the three years.That is as good as staying in contact with your dead grandmother.

So there were the stupid talks,followed by the aimless walks.Around the town and quiet desperations deep inside of me.I wanted to walk onto the busy street and get myself killed.Seriously,the air was so heavy above me i swear if i stayed around them for a minute longer i wouldve been crushed under the weight like a coke can under Dudley.

What a waste,this afternoon was.Thinking about it,i was actually excited for a moment.Specially waking up early to get suited up,then calling my friends to confirm.Oh well,all those came to a crashing waste as the seconds ticked on in the miserable afternoon.Now,im going to grow my own pair of wings and fly away from this damn tree.

On a lighter note,at least i bought a great great book called "Viva La Repartee" by Dr. Mardy Grothe.It's a book basically about smart retorts,or "Repartee"(Pronounced as "Re-Par-Tay"),in an argument or conversations.Im only on page 23 now and i cant get enough of the book.It is so bloody hilarious i swear if i continue laughing like that during my daily book reading session in the wee-hours of the morning,i am going to be charged with public noise disturbance.

Anyway,so you can imagine how delighted i was when a phone call came and i had to leave them.I was about to cross the road to Takashimaya to see this dancing competition when she called.Oh,my Messiah.My savior i later called her.I immediately waved goodbye half-heartedly to them and rushed to Paragon to meet her.

And so ended the awkward afternoon with a bunch of worms.At least i have decided to grow wings and fly off from this little tree of memory.Dont say i am cruel,because cruel is what you are making me do.

A little quote from "Viva La Repartee":

'...Truman Capote was fond of regaling people with anecdote about one of his finer moments. At the height of his popularity, he was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar. Nearby sat a couple, both inebriated. The woman recognized Capote, walked over to his table, and gushingly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband, angry at his wife's display of interest in another man, staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimadating position directly in front of the diminutive writer. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur,"Since you're autographing things, why dont you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. The silence was a blessing, for it allowed all those within earshot to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver the perfect emasculating reply:

I dont know if i can autograph it, but perhaps i can initial it.'

Absolutely.Completely.Utterly.Brilliant book.

What a Wonderful World

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world



I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me...
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me...

---"Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie



All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

---"Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie



Somewhere over the rainbow,
Skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...

---"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by...A whole bunch of people

Army Daze

Just some of the pictures i took in camp.This little break before the India trip has been pretty welcoming to the guys.Here are just some of the stupid things we did to ourselves,each other and well...things.Check them out.;)



Taking a peek



As Corinna later addressed me as: Fatimah.



Mr. Potato and Mr. Broccoli



Mr. Bolster.Courtesy of Xue Chang.



Martin,with his eyes totally out of focus.

Five Fours

Last Sunday when i booked in i stayed up till pretty late after lights out timing to catch a chat with Jonathan and Sgt. Evans,which was about to leave camp on block leave till...well,ORD.That son of a bitch.

But anyway,we talked for an hour and a half straight,and nearly forgot the existence of Wei Jie who was snoring away beside us.I'd like to sincerely apologise to him right here,as i might(Or probably did)have disturbed his beauty sleep.But then again,judging from the volume of his snoring i think he dealt with our bullshit fine.

Anyway,the three of us talked about a lot of things,from sergeants to new sergeants.From fellow platoon mates to old experiences at BMTC.Oh well,those were the days,and then we came to that little topic most,if not all NS men will talk about to each other:The Hauntings.

So i am doing a public service here,to shed some light on those who are about to enter NS(You are in for it),those who will never get the chance to enter ie. the ladies.The hauntings of army are not just...urban legends of out-of-this-world proportions.Most of them are half truths and whole lies,but they are come from somewhere,where stories actually begin.

I personally am not a very superstitious person.Im not an atheist to begin with,but i always give a queer eye to those celebrating the existence of the big guy.I mean seriously,you probably achieved whatever you achieved yourself,he didnt exactly help you much.So why are you praising him like he handed you the answer sheets an hour before the exam?Seriously,get a grip.

Anyway,back to my little public service thing.Remember how those seniors used to scare you with stupid ghost stories about your school during orientation camps,when you stay over in the school and sometimes,even the stupid old dicipline master would chip in?Those were real,really.Real bullshit,that is.In NS everything is the real deal,but i never knew that of course.I dismissed most ghost stories as mere myths,or just some stories to scare the five year olds out of their wits.Of course,that thought ended soon after i experienced one of those creepy stuff myself.

First and foremost,i'd like to introduce my company back in BMTC to you guys.Orion company,as some of you might know,is named after the constellations in the sky and an ancient Greek warrior.Very nice moral to a name,but the history of the company isnt such a beautiful epic story.However,in terms of proportions i dont think it fades in comparison with the real Orion's story,in any sense.

Orion company has experienced tonnes of deaths,including that kid who collapsed in bunk right after a training due to heart failure,as well as the kid who jumped down from the tallest floor(Where i stayed)to the basketball court right behind.He died instantly,of course.

There are other stories,which include the ghostly figure in the lift,which by the way gets stuck on the fourth floor with no reason whatsoever.The lights in it are never fixed by the way,and always blinking.There's the story about the kid who sat on the parapet one night,dangling his legs over the ledge and scaring the living daylight out of our ex-OC.

Then there's the five fours thing.Something i observed myself one day.

So here's the thing.Every building in BMTC,in fact every military camp is numbered from one to...the number of buildings there are in that particular camp.BMTC is a big ass camp by itself,and has a lot of buildings.Orion's company line of course,has its number as well.

44.

Yes,what a lucky number huh.Then we can explore that further.Every company has four platoons,and every platoon has four sections.Each section has about twelve to thirteen beds(Yeah,thirteen).So who is the lucky guy in platoon 4,section 4,bed 4?Well,this indian friend of mine two beds away called Ravi.

One night we were in our beds,minding our own business sleeping.I was awoken by some noise in the bunk and i woke up.I didnt wear my glasses or whatever,but i heard somebody kicking and pulling our cupboard doors,as if he was trying to force open the doors or something.I looked around but couldnt see anybody,so i figured it mustve been Adrian on the other side of the room looking through his cupboard.

Morning came and we were still minding our own businesses when Ning Shan came to me and asked if i heard anything yesterday night.I told him that i did,and that it sounded like somebody trying to break the cupboard doors.That was when he told me about the malay village thing in BMTC,how school 2 was built on one big bloody village.At night he heard people talking at the windows(He was bed five),and kept hearing that noise from my direction.Me?I heard it from his direction,so it mustve been somewhere between bed three and four...

Oh well,just something i experienced in BMTC that i brought up to Jonathan and Sgt. Evans the other day.Something memorable,but a little creepy altogether.Just a food for thought,so take care!Dont you just hate metal cupboards rattling...

PS.That Sunday night after our chat i forgot to lock my cupboard door and the wind sort of blew it open all by itself.THAT freaked me out bad.Real bad.

Dig, Scoop and Drop

I lined up for my food as usual a couple of days ago in camp.It was one of those mundane moments as you stare at the back of the guy in front of you wondering if he could move a tad bit faster.The employees of SFI(Singapore Food Industry)worked their asses off as usual,lined up in their aprons,caps and face masks scooping food into our plates.Food,that's a very nice way of putting it really.To be honest with you guys,no matter how much they try to convince us that the food is a big leap forward from the food they had like ten years ago,i still think it tastes like shit no matter what.

I know,that it is a tough job scooping food for a whole bloody battalion of soldiers but seriously,the food still tastes like a five day old lunch every single time,every time.The broccoli hardly passes as a broccoli,seriously.And the so-called "pork" refers to that little portion of meat under that huge chunk of bone.That is probably the reason why,the instant noodle industry is thriving very well in the military world.

Anyway,my point of this whole entry is this thought that i had while queueing up for my food.I remember this other occasion when myself and a couple of guys were tasked to pack out-rations for the new commanders who were training outfield.Basically,instead of eating in the cookhouse,those training outfield will have packed lunch.So we had to pack for them,basically.

Everytime that happens those staff would have to paste this sticker on this bag,and whoever collects it would have to sign in this column while a random staff would have to sign in another.So this lady was teaching me how to fill that form up when it was her turn to sign.

Here's the sad part.

She didnt know how to sign.Not even like,her own name.

So i asked what her surname was,and she said "Lim".So i told her to just write that down instead of just signing it.She didnt actually KNOW how to write "LIM" on that little line on the sticker.

Which made me think about how sad these staff of SFI are.I mean,every single day they are doing the same old shit.Dig into that tub of crap,scroop a chunk of those out and drop them down on the plate for us to eat.Then repeat that same motion for a thousand times before they get to breathe.Three times a day of that,and five days a week as well.They dont get well paid,they are not well-educated,and what kind of career options have they got?

It's just kind of sad,when everybody in this world,in the working world are trying their best to earn a living.A lawyer,a construction site worker,a doctor or like these SFI staff.They are all trying to earn a plate of food everyday,but they are just working on a dead end kinda job.Doing the same thing over and over.It saddens me to know that they are going to have...no way out of this crap ass job for the rest of their lives.Yeah,sure they can quit for something better.But what kind of job can they possibly get?

You dont know how to read,you dont know how to write.You dont know how to sign your name and neither do you know how to write your surname down on paper.Where can you go?What are you going to do with your life?

It's just kinda depressing to know that there are people in this world who have totally surrendered to their fates?That they tell themselves each and everyday,"This is it.This is as good as it gets" and never do anything about it.A screwed up life remains as that,and never takes a step forward and sometimes even backwards.How do they live with themselves,it confuses me sometimes.

It's scary how,or where life can bring you.And it's worse to know when you have totally surrendered to such a fate,to be beaten down by it and smile despite the utter pain inside.

Reminiscence

I saw a set of statistics done once,on what humans like to do while sitting upon their thrones.By thrones,i mean toilet bowls.Like,what people actually do other than doing their daily businesses.

Im not too sure of the order,but i remember a high percentage of people like to read,while another portion of people likes to talk on the phone,while others prefer to just stare into mid-air and just...wait for their business to be over and done with.And as for me,aside from the fact that i love playing guitar in the bathroom,i sometimes grab a book or newspaper to read as well.Very common,yes.But today i grabbed an old diary off the shelves that belonged to me a long time ago.

I remember my Primary School buddy,Weng Chuin(Now known as Marvin).A heavy weight kid with holes in his Bata shoes.He went to sunny Australia one year with his family,and came back with this awesome Goosebump diary that had me in awe.So,i decided to acquire my first diary from him,at merely four dollars.Think about it,four dollars was a lot of money for an average primary school kid.A single fish ball costs twenty cents,so four dollars would translate to twenty fish balls.Holy cow.

So there you have it,my very first diary.And it even had my favourite Goosebump character too.So the first entry was on 5th of August,1998.Check out the childishness of it all(The following is a quote from the entry itself):

Things to talk about...
Nah!Nothing much.It's just my sister's birthday that's all.But my mom doesnt seem to care!Weird...

News of the Day!
1.Junius might be the next Miss. Universe!
2.Chi Ho finally found his long lost brother.

At School...
Laugh shot(Whatever that meant)
.The music Mr. Beck prepared for the National Day.It suck(Without the -ed)!It's like funeral music or something.
.When Bingo scored,Meng Seong and Joshua shouted "Lim Bingo!".

I felt...
Quite good!Not bad.

Weather?
(Capitalized 'hot' with a sun wearing sunglasses)

And as for the rest of the year,it was empty.And how is that so?Because this diary thing lasted for less than a week.Under the "Things to Talk About" column i wrote "Nothing much..." the next day,and then the following days were just empty spaces altogether.

So there,my diary writing life ended right there.Pretty pathetic,but at least i got past three days.I remember how excited i was at first,to be holding this cool new diary.Reading the entries made me think of the good o'times.How i was so carefree about everything.If that kid from eight years ago were to read my old blog and the current one he wouldve started begging my mother to get him the real-life Peter Pan so he would send him to Neverland too.Because seriously,seeing how he will grow up to be like,feel like,i dont think he would ever want to grow old anymore.My blog entries are,let's face it,full of depressing stuff and most of all,anger.

Back then i was just this naive kid,writing entries about what a joke a certain classmate was or commenting on how bad the music was.It's not like my musical taste was that great anyway.A further venture into the shelves in the storeroom i managed to dig out my old autograph books.Now,THAT'S a gem right there.The embarrassing admissions by classmates and yourself all compiled and collected in this little book of truth.Twenty years down the road i am so going to bring this to a reunion of some sort and read everything out.Those stupid dog ears at the edge of the pages that read "Dont open!" were just...plain stupid.

I actually had Backstreet Boys and Savage Garden under my favourite music.How embarrassing is that?I mean,i dont hate them or anything.I still think,and appreciate Backstreet Boys for the memories they gave me.They make good music,comon'.But seriously,it's still embarrassing.

Oh my,the good o'days.How i miss them so.Now,Sunday.Another Sunday.Book in day.I remember myself dreading Sundays,how Monday's the first day of school every week.But seriously,little Weilien.You dont know shit about a screwed up life until about eight years later,before your computer with Babina,India in your head.Seriously,you dont know it.

I miss those days,as much as i miss those stupid autograph book entries i used to write in my friends' book,or the catchings in the field or where we called the "Sandy Area" at the back of the school.Those little memories,stupid memories,now gone and painfully so when i go outfield or go through life,reality.

I love the feeling of growing old.I really do.

I just hate missing the past.

And these days
I wish i was six again
Oh,make me a red cape
I want to be Superman

Oh,if only my life was more like 1983
All these things would be more like they were at the start of me
If my life was more like 1983
Plot a course to the source of the purest little part of me

And most of my memories
Have escaped me or confused themselves with dreams
If Heaven's all they want it to be
Send your prayers to me care in 1983

You can paint that house a rainbow of colours
Rip out the floorboards
And replace the shutters but
That's my plastic in the dirt

Whatever happened to my
Whatever happened to my
Whatever happened to my lunchbox?

When came the day that it got
Thrown away and dont you
Think i shouldve had some say
In that decision?

1983 by John Mayer

Old Love

By: Eric Clapton



I can feel your body
When I'm lying in my bed
There's too much confusion
Running round through my head

It's making me so angry
To know that the flame will always burn
When will I get over?
When will I ever learn?

Old love
Leave me alone
Old love
Go on home

I can see your face
But I know that it's not real
Just an illusion
Caused by how I used to feel

And it's making me so angry
No, no, no- the flame will always burn
Come on, when will I get over?
Come on, when will I ever learn?

Old love
Leave me alone
Old love
Go on, go on home

Old love...
Old love...
Old love...

Concert by the Dining Table

When asked why ive never had the experience of abrasion in my inner thighs,or blisters under my feet after long agonizing route marches,i always shrug and tell my friends that i havent a clue,that having thick skin mightve been in the genes or something(My dad's feet feels like steel).I guess "Thick Skin" meant both literally and figuratively in my life,which can be a good and a bad thing if you think about it.

The ever growing desire to go onto stage and perform is just...in me i guess.Of course,i have not advanced to the stage where i actually have the guts to do it alone,or start a ten minute solo performance.I am,just not good enough.Simply speaking.Oh well,the last few experiences that i had with a big crowd(Six hundred strong)and a stage was back in camp last year during my battalion's anniversary.When asked for a volunteer to perform everybody had their fingers pointed at me.

My neighbours are a nice bunch of people,always treating their relatives to nice dinner and stuff.Throw noisy parties for their kids and ordered food through catering services.All and all,they are nice people and today they showed their acts of kindness again by inviting a whole bunch of their relatives over to have a second round of reunion dinner,it seems.

So there they were,adults bringing kids and stuff.I was just minding my own business at the dining table,playing the guitar.I mean,i love playing the guitar at two places in my house.Three,to be precise since the third is not exactly...conventional.

1)Balcony,for the pure joy of seeing the rest of the world under my feet while i play.
2)Dining Table,for the echo effects bouncing off the walls.
3)Toilet.Yes,you saw that right.The echo effects here are a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

Sadly,i dont get to do the third very often.I mean,let's imagine you are upstairs on the twentieth floor toilet.Upon your throne sit with the morning's newspaper in your hands,minding your own business,literally.Then from down below you hear a crazy guy playing guitar and singing at the top of his lungs in the toilet.Now,that's going to sound very weird,not just the bad singing but the fact that the dude below was holding a concert in the toilet.That's a weird confined place to do that,and to be honest it is going to give a bad impression to the neighbours for sure.Next time they see you in the lift they are going to give you that queer eye,thinking "That's the one".

Anyway,i had a little mini-concert by the dining table for myself tonight.So happened to have a couple of unaware audience next door,but i didnt mind.It was one of those nights,when i cant keep my fingers still i guess.I had a few songs in my to jam,and the feeling just came and my fingers danced on the fret boards.My set piece included:

1)Why Georgia
2)St. Patrick's Day
3)No Such Thing
4)Daughters
5)Don't Panic
6)City Love
7)Why did you Mess with Forever?
8)Good Love is on the Way (I tried,anyway)
9)3x5
10)Love Song for No One
11)Comfortable
12)Random jamming

Not too bad for a concert out of impulse,but hey i enjoyed myself.My fingers are sore now as i type this little entry,but i guess it's all worth it.I am thick skinned,so sue me.Especially when my neighbour holds those gatherings with church members,and then start to hold hands and sing some holy songs.Holy hell,my neighbour Mr. Wong can not sing,seriously.But he loves it,and it doesnt seem like anybody's gonna stop the man anytime soon.

Oh well,ive been thinking about set pieces,what im going to play during a mino-showcase,if i ever get the chance with my friends.Wouldnt it be cool?Now,here's the set piece,in exact order from the beginning to the end.The dream set piece that i have in mind.

1)Politik by Coldplay
2)Who Did You Think I Was? by John Mayer Trio
3)Island in the Sun by Weezer (Acoustic)
4)St. Patrick's Day by John Mayer (Acoustic)
5)In my Place by Coldplay

Fingers crossed.Prayers said.Hoping for the best and being wistful.;)

Song of Redemption

There are moments in life when you witness something,something simple in nature but spawns a whole series of much sophisticated emotions and feelings.These are rare moments,at least for me.And a couple of days ago in camp i chanced upon such an opportunity while staring into the sunset at the end of the corridor in camp.

Im going to quote from a book im reading now."A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson.It is a book about...well,nearly everything.From Physics to Chemistry,from Geology to Biology,to the history of scientists and their theories,and a whole lot more.Under the chapter "Life Itself",Bill Bryson discusses about the suitability of Earth as a medium to support life,how incredible it is for the fact that everything is just right for us here on Earth,that if we were a little closer or further away from the Sun we wouldve burnt or froze to death.Here's a little quote:

"...The Physicist Richard Feynman used to make a joke about posteriori conclusions - reasoning from know facts back to possible causes.'You know,the most amazing thing happened to me tonight,' he would say.'I saw a car with the licence plate ARW 357.Can you imagine?Of all the millions of licence plates in the state,what was the chance that i would see that particular one tonight?Amazing!'His point,of course,is that it is easy to make any banal situation seem extraordinary if you treat it as fateful..."

An old man crossing the street,to a young business woman at a cash register,a coke can rolling down the street at the sidewalk,and like Richard Feynman witnessed,the car with the licence plate ARW 357.Such things might not be of much fascination to most people.Well,he's a physicists.And psychicists usually get excited over the most mundane of things,and then make a theory out of them(Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity after seeing a man falling off a rooftop while working on it).

And as for me,i was just staring at the sunset when i spotted something.A little spider hanging from the top spinning webs in a circle.Under normal circumstances i wouldve grabbed a broom a destroyed that work of art,since the sight of it by commanders might mean a delay of our book out timing.But as i was looking a song sort of came up in my head,that made me think about...certain things in life.Things that i have done,that were perhaps werent suitable now that i think of it,but made perfect sense back then.

For some reason,i know you are reading this.I just know it.It mustve been that time when i left this address at the back of my MSN nickname and left it on while i was away,and you came online soon after.I dont really care,if you are reading or not,really.Im not afraid that you might find out what i have to say or what i have in mind,because those were true,those were real.Those were the things that were perhaps too much to comprehend at first,things that maybe i hadnt the guts to say,only to type.

This song that i thought about,when i looked at that little spider working away,is dedicated to you i guess.It's a,as a friend of mine puts it on an online forum,"The most beautifully written i'm-so-sorry song".It's the regrets,it's all the things that i think that mightve been stupid,that maybe if i hadnt said those things,everything now wouldve turned out totally different.

I know,i mightve said things to you.They were,or mightve not been of your liking.But i never meant to do you harm,i never meant to do you wrong.I just wanted to get my point across,sometimes in a very stupid manner.Im a wreck of a person,i just crumble sometimes under my own stupidity and regrets.I am so sorry,for everything.

I sit under the walkway as i waited for my parents to fetch me home after i booked out yesterday.I was early and my parents were late,and i surfed through my handphone just to kill time.Came across some old messages,your messages."Im so sorry.You like me?" sort of hit me like a rock in the wind.Then i felt like i was stuck in a moment,in a moment of regret.Like,maybe if i hadnt told you that,if i never made it obvious enough,maybe we couldve skipped everything that happened after that fateful night in December and continue right from there.

So here i remain,a stupid guy listening to a redemption song,for me.From me,to you.I guess,so here it is.

Trouble
By Coldplay

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,

Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in my little bubble,

Singing out loud, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.



They spun a web for me...
They spun a web for me...
They spun a web for me...

A Letter to an Invisible Friend


Have you seen lonely, do you know of him
Has he ever come in and grasped your heart
Draining from it, all the warmth it holds inside
Leaving you cold, empty, hurting and in despair

Filling you full of emotions, all acting at once
Each struggling with the other to be released
Then, one by one they begin to flow in spasms
You're so physically drained, you can not move

For days you lay, staring out a bedroom window
Not really looking, not really seeing, just gazing
Your eyelids heavy, start to slip and gently close
Loneliness unpacks and waits for you in silence

Dear Invisible Friend,

Hey,Invisible Friend.How are you doing?Sorry,i havent gotten around to giving you a name on my blog yet but,i guess as long as the both of us know then that is enough,right?It's not that your existence hasnt been an concern for me,it's just that recently it has grew in terms of priority over other matters in my life,especially those regarding your friends and Delta Foxtrot,etc.

First of all,J2 is not going to get any easier.As you get closer to Prelims,then the ultimate nightmare aka. The As,they are not going to let you off very easily.Work is going to pile,stress is going to build,and sooner than not you are going to find yourself under tonnes of self-incurred pain and stress,you suffocate yourself to the verge of death.

Italy is nice,in fact it is very nice.When you told me about your plans for Italy i almost erupted with jealousy especially when i myself,am on my way to some distant country soon: Babina,India.How exciting,huh?But anyway,Italy is really cool especially if you are representing your school and country to a competition overseas.However,i must remind you again if things are going over the top of your head and you cant surface,when you are sinking fast,get the oxygen mask floating nearby.Take a breath,take a break.We are like cars on a cable,and life is like a hour glass glued to the table,the sand will never flow backwards up the glass.This is life,and this is the path that we chose,and the life fate allows us to lead.You cant turn back time,but you can take a break in time.Give yourself a break,if you really can not take it anymore.Because really,when the tidal wave comes soon after your Italy trip,you'd need all the air you've got to survive it.

I dont know Delta Foxtrot,nor have i seen him before.To me,he always reminds me of Haley Joel Osment's character in Steven Spielberg's A.I:Artificial Intelligence.I know it's just the name,but i cant get the image out of my mind.Let's hope Delta Foxtrot is half as robotic,and twice as devoted as the real "David" in the movie to love,yeah?"

But anyway,like i told you,sometimes i dont think he is doing his job very well?Perhaps he did try to make you...not feel the way you are feeling now.Perhaps he did try to console you in certain matters,but i just dont see it being very effective to you.I very much hope that Delta Foxtrot can put in a greater effort,that he can make you feel secured despite the world being so cruel sometimes.That he is always there for you,making you feel comfortable.That's very important,in my opinion.Im sure he is a great boyfriend,but i hope you did not say the things you said about him just for the sake of it.All i have of you,as a mental picture,is the one with you smiling with your choir friends.It's hard to picture you with a black face,but i hope Delta Foxtrot can make that go away and make my mental picture come true again.

And as for your problem,well i had a friend who had a...somewhat similar problem two years ago.I actually blogged about it,and i find it pretty interesting that you guys actually share similar situations?Oh well,here are some of the quotes from that old old blog entry of mine from way back.

"...Lonliness,its like a disease.It strikes,when you are least aware of it.It strikes when you are at the rock bottom of life.It strikes,where it hurts the most.However,unlike diseases,it happens without much reasons behind it.Sometimes,a mere sight of a couple sitting at the side of the river,might just trigger that little lonliness button deep within.Perhaps,jealousy as well.When you see one of your friend sitting together with his or her friends,talking and laughing.You feel lonely.You ask yourself why you are not treated the same way as him or her.Late at night,alone in your room,with your thoughts bouncing off the four walls,you start to wonder why you are all alone,lonely.Though you do have friends,though you do have people to talk to.However,when you are at need,when you need someone to talk to you most,those calls to your friends are often,engaged.Then when you hang up your phone,you go down the list of friends you have in your mind,wonder who you can call next.But your list goes out,its blank and empty after the last name.You start to feel cold,you feel the night is long.Too long.You start to cry.Yes,I understand how you feel..."

"...She mentioned about how she sees people in school,hanging around with their own group of friends,enjoying the accompany of the people in their little social circle.How she felt when she sees that they have a wall to lay on when all else takes the worst turn.How they have friends,who would listen to their woes,who would lend them a shoulder,or perhaps a pat on the shoulder..."

"...I live in Taiwan,and Earthquakes happen once in a while for me.My mother always told me to grab whichever pillow or blanket i can find and just cover my head with it,in case the roof collapses.Whichever pillow is mine,not necessarily my own.(My drool covered pillow,that is.)Who cares who's there when you feel lonely?Just grab someone,anyone,and tell him/her that you need to talk to someone..."

"...Why have your tears hit the cold hard floor when it can dry up on somebody's shirt?Just my two cent's worth.Just a thought of mine.Cheer up..."

Wish you all the best,my invisible friend.

Yours Truly,
Me.