In Continuum.

A Continuingly Burning Hallway

"...And this is a song that...i have no idea how i am gonna play this live,because this is definitely the most,kind of emotionally confrontational song for me.And you know,time is moving forward all the time.We know that,but it's kind of like running out of a continuingly burning hallway,and you cant go back and get your stuff.And all i want to do is yell,'I want to go get my stuff!'.People going,'You cant,keep running!'.This fireball is coming up behind you.Not exactly as in Indiana Jones,as that but it's...feels like that sometimes.This is a song begging to go back,and it is called 'Stop this Train'..."

--- John Mayer

It is emotionally confrontational,isnt it?Not just the lyrics to John Mayer's new song Stop this Train,but something in the lyrics of the song that relates to everything,everyone that lives with time ticking down every minute of their lives.We are bound to time and time to our lives,and we are like this conjoined brothers,living with each other but not necessarily happy about each other's existence.You dont really want,or like the fact that you are joined up somewhere with this other creature,but you cant exactly separate the both of you because by doing so,one of you is going to die.The chances of living is about 50/50,and in the case of Time Vs. Life,Time has the ultimate upper hand,i guess.Because in time,nothing changes.Only changes,and nothing else.

Life is like this fireball,devouring everything in its path down the hallway of life.You know,like taking with it the floorboards,the wallpapers,everything that had your smell,your sweat,your memories on them.Some of them you saved with your memory,your head as your dash desperately down this hallway.But the rest,some of the ones you treasure the most,lost in the flames as you run for your life,just wanting to go back into the fire to get back what it took from you.

John Mayer reminded me of this fear that has been inside of me for a long time,but like some sleeping dragon in the deepest pits of earth,totally forgotten and lost in the midst of time.It is the fear of time,the way it is moving on so fast and so slow at the same time.You know,right now if you are to count from a minute all the way from the first second down to the last.It's going to be awfully long and tedious im sure,but if you are banging your head to a cool new song on radio,those three to four minutes arent going to be nearly as long as that one minute you attempted to countdown.

It's just human nature to push things,always ahead of us because this minute in time,this moment in our lives,everything is so slow.We then have this false image,this mirage of sorts that things are always going to remain this way till the end of time,till the end of your life perhaps.That there will always be TIME for you to do something about...well,something.I dont know,whatever it is i guess.This growing fear,of disappearing opportunities,things that couldve been done going down the gutter,into the ball of flame coming down the hallway,is growing inside of me and i cant sleep at night,all of a sudden.Like now,at 2.02am,sitting in front of my computer with my eyelids hanging over,threatening to shut the world out of my mind.You just want to sit up and do something about it right now,this raging fire.I dont know,to drench it with a fire extinguisher,or a hose or something.But everything is too late,isnt it?The fire is too fierce,and all you've got is a bucket of water,and once that is gone there is no stopping of this fireball ever again.So there you are,wondering about your next move,wondering if it is all too late.And it is 2.02am,you realised.Already,it is too late.

I was just speaking to...well,her all over again.It is a wonderful thing,really.But i shant speak of that just yet.I guess i am a little tired today to be overly excited about that.Besides,im a little high as well after listening to John Mayer's latest album.Anyway,i was speaking to her about aging,and how the fact that my age officially starts with a two is rather petrifying.I mean,that spells two full decades on planet Earth,and as the fireball rages down the hallway you wonder what it has already burnt away,what it is going to burn away as it proceeds down the hall.What have i done,what has been consumed and remembered,in my two decades of life?What is going to be devoured,remembered in the following years?

I dont know,to be honest about it.I dont know what i am going to do.I am twenty years old this year,and what the hell have i accomplished?How much CAN i accomplish in the years to come?I am witnessing the dying of my youth,the coming of age,and the fear and the horrors that sort of...comes with it.It is daunting,and at the same time this childhood fear sort of creeps out from under my bed.

I used to sneak into my parents' room,and climbing between them late at night and ask my mother about questions concerning death.It was a rather heavy topic,and i guess in a way i was fascinated about it in a very...frightful sort of way.I remember telling her,that death itself was nothing to be afraid of.Facing death to me,right then,wasnt something to be scared of.But rather,facing death as your loved ones faces them,was.I didnt want my parents to go,the fear of death taking them one day,the way life takes them into that raging ball of fire.Im not sure if i got over that fear,the way phobias and fears sort of stays with your,the way you are traumatized by a certain incident in life,so bad you cannot shake it off even after you wake,this horrendous nightmare.

Perhaps that is why i have this blog in the first place,to salvage anything from the wreckage left by the raging fire.It's not going to be the same,of course,between experiencing it and reading it in words a couple of years down the road.No,it's not going to be the same.But i guess,after being swept by a sea of fire,nothing is ever the same again,right?

Yeah,John.I am scared too.In fact i am petrified.Will i be renegotiating by the time i am 68 as well.I have no idea.Will i live to 68,and will i be proud of what i did,what i didnt do?It's so hard to predict the future,the uncertainty of it is daunting enough.I think we spend too much time thinking about the uncertainty of future that we forget that it is the past sometimes that is the real threat to us.Isnt it true,that memories are sweet if you dont have to deal with them?And we always do,we always have to deal with the past.Because if we dig deeper,if we go on tracing like we always do,all we get is going to be dirty.

And i just want this sort of,train.This transport to take me away,carelessly into the night and not caring at all about the world around me.To be protected,because i know within the walls of this train i am going to safe,from the fire down the hallway.I dont know how i am going to turn out at the destination,the final destination.But i guess,all i know is that i have to start treasuring the things,before it,along with everything else,disappears with the fire that is continuingly coming down the burning hallway.