In Continuum.

A Message

My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes up
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own

I remember back in Secondary School when i was so crazy over The Lord of the Rings movies.Im still very much a fan,but i guess i have moved on from there,like a lover leaving his mistress,not because of the diminishing of love but rather the course of life itself,urging you to move along with the current.I recall the excitement as i counted down the days to the release dates of the movies.The wait,though excruciating,was exhilerating all at once.And the reward at the very end,the day when i am in the darkened theatre,leaving only the sound of fellow audience munching on popcorns and slurping on drinks,and when the title of the movie comes onto the screen,the way my heart pumped and the way i thought to myself,"It's all worth it..."

It was all worth it.

But not all waiting has a pleasant ending.Most of the time we do not get to our destinations,but rather the end result is usually so over-rated,so hyped up that it suddenly becomes a little disappointing.I cannot blame your goal,for it remained the same.But just yourself,and the way your mind worked with desperation,a sort of thirst while waiting for the goal to come near.

And as for my personal waiting for that message to come,that wait came to an end on the eve of National Day.While in camp i kept watch on my handphone somehow,surfing the websites through the GPRS service,just waiting for it to come.And it did,and i tried everything to read the message asap,which included waiting in line for almost an hour for those bloody indians from Archer company to get their butts off the computer.Oh,as well as that motherfucker who cut my queue after about ten minutes doing so.How typical of Asians.

On my way home in my mother's car,i tried desperately to hide my excitement.Outside the car window the scenary went on by,like the rocky mountains and the prehistoric trees in one of those Flinstones cartoons.I was strapped down in the seat in my seat belt,listening to a CD i burnt for my mother,while deep inside i knew that i was exploding with an invisible force,threatening the life it belongs to only to be rescued by the message.

It was just an ordinary message,and to be honest i wasnt,in any way,disappointed by it whatsoever.It was a reply,i thought myself.And i guess that is as good as it gets.What was i expecting,i thought to myself.The truth is,im not sure what i was expecting.It was a surge of the moment,kinda thing.A rush of blood to the head,merely that.I dont reckon that it was an act out of stupidity this time,no.I dont think what i did was in any way in the vicinity of being stupid.But i guess,it reminded me of some dumbass general planning a war,with all the good intentions in mind but failed to come up with a feasible plan of attack.

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
Got to get that message home

It sort of reminded me of Richard's situation from Neverwhere.Plunged into the dark and dangerous underworld all Richard wanted to do,really was to get the hell out of there and back into his own life instead of helping Door avenge his family.It didnt matter to him,initially,whether the person behind the killing of her family is found or not,if Hunter really was the mastermind behind everything or not.He merely wanted his working life back,his fiancee back,his flat back,his life back.But by the end of the book,when he does get all those back,he asks the poor lady by the side of the road after giving her a ten dollar bill,if she ever had the feeling that perhaps what she has ever wanted,isnt really...it?

Like i said before,i still reckon what i did to be justified,to be in the realm of rationale thinking.But sometimes,once you are in a situation you've always hoped yourself to be in,you wonder if it was all worth it,if everything is what it should be.I dont know anymore,with every subsequent notice popping up at the bottom right hand side of my monitor,only delaying your reply once again.I dont know if there will be yet another reply from you,i dont know if there is going to be any more of this sort of waiting.It is no longer exhilerating,i realised.But truly,in a great magnitude,excruciating.

I doesnt matter anymore than the fact that i sent a replied to you.I doesnt matter anymore,really.Because what's the worst that could come out of your utter silence?Familiarity,a certain constance to everything that has been.I just have to accept the fact that the "Has Beens" will become "Will Be",in the days to come.

And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home...