In Continuum.

Wonderwall



There are songs out there that don't mean a single thing. When you listen to the song itself, the melody is pleasant to your ears and more often than not, you are probably going to enjoy the song if you like the melody. Into a deeper level, you start to examine the lyrics to the song and then you find that at times, they don't necessarily mean anything.

Not every artiste in my playlist writes songs with a lot of meanings in them. Even if they have, they are so cryptic and so seemingly meaningless that perhaps the only person that understands the song is probably the writer himself. Or, there are some songs that leaves the interpretation up to the listener, though on the surface they might not make any sense.

I have tried to do that with a lot of Goo Goo Dolls song, and I even tried to read the lyrics alternatively in terms of the lines, thinking that there might be two sets of meanings to each song. But that wasn't it, and I found myself pondering over the meanings of some songs and never coming up with a true meaning to them. You have your own definition to certain parts of the song but later on in it, it dashes your definition and you are back to square one. Then you start to wonder if the writer of the song was on drugs, alcohol or any substance that might have affected his ability to write something sensible. After all, not everybody can write lyrics like R.E.M. or Thom Yorke and have people accept whatever they wrote.

Wonderwall by Oasis is such a song, a song without an apparent meaning initially. I've never truly understood it when I first heard it, placing my attention only on the guitar in the background and then learning it later on on my own. But I only started to realize it's true meaning tonight, and blame myself for being so ignorant and blind all along.

When silence between us prevails and all you want is to be alone, there is nothing much that I can say whenever we do talk. As much as I respect your decision, I cannot deny that an avenue of my thoughts has been shut up because of this. Without this avenue, life has been different all of a sudden for me. I am not back to the past, back to the days before October or the days beyond. I am merely stuck here because of the silence, in silence. And with this avenue shut out, I have no one else to hold on to all of a sudden.

That is probably how one is going to feel after your parents die, the way you feel as if the last pillar of your life has fallen out. Now the weight of the roof is upon your shoulders and you have to carry itself, and without your parents to hold it for you, this is as good as it gets. After all, they are your parents and you are only going to get a pair of those. This is how I feel right now. But don't worry, my parents are both well intact, knock on wood.

I have this fear to touch my handphone these days, afraid to press anything that might have the wallpaper light up. I am afraid to go online because of that urge that might strike me when you come on. I have this fear of looking at the cupboard in my room because there your gift sits. Meals taste strange, because they are no longer energy-sources, in a way, that keeps me alive for one more day just to see your face one more time. They are just food now, just plain old food. "To keep me alive," I tell myself." And no longer 'To keep me alive just so I can see you again'".

Like I said, I respect your silence and I know that you should take your time about this, little by little and bit by bit. But that doesn't take away my right to whine about it, or to sulk. Because it hurts, and when it does I feel like leaning onto a wall, a great big wall with an empty surface just so that I can write my woes upon it. But there is no wall, no wall for me to lean on because, ever since silence prevailed, it has been the foundation of the wall and the bricks removed, gone.

So here I am my dear friend, thanking you once again. It was touching for me, to have you checking out on me every time you are online these days. "Are you okay?" you would ask. "Take your time, okay? I am your wall." I never knew the significance of that, but now I do, for the lyrics of Wonderwall struck me as something meaningful all of a sudden.

That is you to me, you are my wonderwall. Believe it or not, stout and small you might be, when all else fails you might be the only piece of wall that might stand against all else. I think that wall that I have depended on previously was broken down brick by brick, by my own bare hands and I am ashamed of that. There is a reason why I do not want to tell you anything, or vandalize your face even though you might be offended that I do not want to speak of anything. I have broken down that wall into pieces, and I fear that I might do the same with you. But thanks, I'd like to keep one wonderwall intact. Because who knows? The previous one might come back.

The silence is excruciating for me, and you know it. I have no idea what to say to you, because anything might just break the rule, that agreement of ours that you need to be alone. I agreed, and there is nothing that I can do to reverse that. But still, I wish dearly, that by the end of your silence in a couple of days that, we can be back to the days when we sit next to each other and talk about anything, anything at all. I wish dearly that by the end of this, you are not going to leave me, to seek your own way out of life or worse, go back to the arms of the Strange Man.

For as long as it takes, I am going to wait here for you as I promised while you go away to deal with yourself. But don't worry about me, never worry about me, because I have a good wall behind me for now, a good wall I call my wonderwall. Let me sleep for a while in this little corner of my life, and wake me up when your silence ends. I wish to see your face again by the end of this, and hear again with that sweet voice of yours that you found your way, and that you found your way back to me.

Before the silence is over my dear, don't let the lyrics of other sad songs get to me and overwhelm me. Come back and save me, like you always do in the middle of the night. Don't let them get to me, protect me...be my wall too.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
All all the lights that lead the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how...

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all,
You're my wonderwall...