In Continuum.

The Brown Envelope



I needed this, this brown envelope. This brown envelope not only signifies the end of the long months of not knowing what my future holds, but also that little sense of hope in the years to come in my life. Three more years planned out before my feet, and all I have to do now is to follow suit until the very end where I make more decisions about life. To have a planned route ahead, it feels really good. Recalling the days in the army when I shoved everything under the rug and ignored the possibility of falling off a cliff, reminded me of just how afraid I was back then, not having a plan B, or C, or a A to speak of.

Receiving the rejection letter two years ago from almost all the universities in Singapore proved to be a hard strike. I mean, failure never appeared before my eyes so vividly before until then, when all the universities sent me letters, regretfully telling me that I have been rejected from their gates. It's like paying a fine for your overdue books at the library, and then the librarian comes up to you and apologizes, it doesn't make much sense for them to do so really. It could have been easier if they just sent a letter with a single word: Rejected. Stop being condescending towards the rejected people, we know what you are really thinking about.

After that rejection, the days that followed were full of doubts and fears. Because to be honest, the people around me all had their places in universities waiting for them the moment they get out of the military life. And there I was, not knowing where I will end up after my own term in the army, not knowing how the ground would be like once I step out from the gates of my camp with the pink IC in my hand. But that was two years ago, and I figured that I had two full years to draw out my plan before anything drastic happens. After all, being in the army was in a way a good reason to escape from the harshness of reality. If you think that life is hard in the army, I think that life is worse in the reality. At least for me, I didn't need to live with the consequences of my failure, and had a good excuse to sweep everything under the rug. It was a cowardly act, but try driving down a road with a cliff at the very end. You have two years before you reach your ultimate fate, would you rather enjoy life or worry about it? Yeah, exactly.

The moment I got out from the gates of my camp, there was an overwhelming sense of fear in me, unspoken to my friends who were overjoyed with their new found freedom. It was the air of reality I was breathing in, the ground of reality I was stepping on, and the food of reality I was tasting. Everything that went on around me the moment I stepped out of those gates were the ones that belong to reality, the life I had before I entered the army. I was living my failure, with no plans to build a bridge across from this cliff to the next. I can see my dreams, my aspirations and my goals on the other side, but the gap in between leads down to a raging sea with a pile of imaginary dead bodies of my own lying around, washed up on the ragged rocks like sea weed. I was petrified, I really was. Not knowing what to do, like a boy being trapped in a burning house, is scary.

Mother came home today from the airport with a whole bunch of letters. One of them was especially bulky, and it was brown in color - which meant that it was an important letter. With the seal already broken, I figured my mother already knew the contents of the envelope with SIM written on the top left. She pretend to be surprised when I told her that I was admitted to the school, but deep inside I know she already knew.

I shuffled through the contents and checked out the courses I will be taking for the first semester. Four vastly varying course awaits me, and I wonder if the latter two has anything to do with Communication Studies. Allow me to quote from the letter itself:

For Semester 1, you will be taking the following 4 courses (13 credits)
1. COM 101: Principles of Communication (3 Credits)
2. ECO 182: Introduction to Microeconomics (4 Credits)
3. ESL 407: Advanced Written English and Reading (3 Credits)
4. MUS 116: Theory of Music for Nonmajors (3 Credits)

Though completely unrelated to what I imagined Communication Studies to be, I am most excited about the bolded courses I will be taking because it can't get any better with the combination of both English writing and music together in the same semester. Though I am unsure of what to expect, right now there is a hopeful view of the life to come for me in the future. At least there is a bridge built across the gap and it now depends on how I am going to cross it. But cross it I will, as I wave goodbye to the bodies down below, pushed about by the waves and sinking into the endless dark.

To the first day of the rest of my life, I give thanks to my family and friends who supported me and pushed me, when I was waiting for the cows to come home. With that fear in my mind, it was hard to get my head down to applying for the schools all over again at the start of this year. But with the encouragements, I am going somewhere. It might not be the most prestigious school, or the best, or the most glamorous, or the most recognized. But I say, to hell with everything. I make my own future and I build my own bridge. With this newly received brown envelope, I feel like I can do anything.

Cheers.