In Continuum.

A Lover Of Routines

There was this one time when I was talking to my mother about careers, and because I wanted her off my back about the nagging, I told her my own thoughts instead of having her tell me what to do and what not to do. It was a thought I came up with in camp I remember, while showering one night after an outfield and just allowing the water to run down my face and body. I remember how the shower head looked as I stared straight into the water that was gushing straight into your eyes. It looked very much like the sky of a rainy morning, as you walk out of your house and stare up into the stormy skies. I remember telling myself that I want a job with one rule: No rules.

Of course, that is just a very optimistic and idealistic projection. But I don't think there is a harm in thinking that way at all. Besides, it did received my mother's approval and the nagging stopped swiftly afterwards. But I think that is how we Cancer-ians are like, we tend to like the routines of life, but at the same time we seek variety within it. It is a complicated and yet simple idea to grasp, and here's why. I don't think people like myself like to have changes in their daily routines every time. For example, waking up at different hours of the day for work or ending the day at different hours as well. We prefer to have a standard check in and check out time, but within that time frame we prefer to have different tasks and challenges going on. I'm not really speaking for the general public born between the 20th of June and the 23rd of July, it's probably just me.

I don't think even in my personal life, I can stay away from my own self-inflicted routines either. There are things that I do even when I am not doing anything, and I find that after two years of regimental life, this routine of my own is rather relaxing and liberating. Some might think that it is such a wasteful way of spending your time and life, but I guess at the brink of my school days and the farewell to the life that I've known, I don't see anything wrong with what I have been doing.

It wasn't even eight in the morning, and Sarah replied my message that was sent last night. Brighter and sunnier than the morning sun that was piercing the curtains of the windows, we talked about our own lives and the problems that she face. Somehow, our conversations drifted to my everyday routines, and I told her about wandering the streets with a book and a notebook with pen, taking notes and reading wherever I go to. That is the life that I enjoy, that is the life that I love. The routine of it, the way I would go to the same cafe and enjoy the sight of different people at the cafe at different times, every time. There are a billion - probably even more than that - combinations of people you can get at a single cafe, and every single time you find different things, little details to observe and write about. People-watching, like I said in an entry a few months ago, has become an official hobby of mine. Our technical name is called Observe-Writers. But some people prefer to call us Stalkers. In our defense, we do not stalk people home and we certainly do not have a portable binoculars in our pockets. We merely watch, and then we jot down notes. So that's that.

Other than just that, the love of blogging everyday is overwhelming and life-controlling. There are people closing down blogs and going on hiatuses all around me, and I admire their strength and determination to do so sometimes. It's not like keeping a blog going doesn't require equal amount of strength and determination of course, it's just that I never truly found the courage to say "Okay, this is the last post. Goodbye!" and just leave like that. For me, a routine does not end with the snap of a finger or in the blink of an eye. I cannot bear to bid farewell to a lifestyle just because life moves on. That is how stubborn we are - Cancer people can be such a pain in the ass.

This is what I enjoy doing. I love to feel the wind at the back of my neck as I sit before my computer, lost in the sounds of Sigur Ros, all the while imagining great cliffs and fields of Iceland. Or dance my fingers across the imaginary piano keys to the music of David Helfgott's playing from the soundtrack of Shine. Or a good movie at the computer with a cup of orange juice and my pillow in my arms, to be lost in an alternate universe of sorts with an engaging story. Or at the most basic and foundation of all simplistic joys of the routines in life, I love to stare at my blog editing page and do nothing about it. Despite the notes that I have previous written in my notebook, to see a title typed down and no contents, make me feel a sense of beginning - I'm not sure if I am making sense. It must be the hour of the morning. 9.46am, when was the last time I woke up at THIS hour?

I need a trampoline as well, to jump around for an hour with music plucked into my ears like David Helfgott. I used to have a trampoline in my Taiwanese home, but unlike the four hundred toy cars that my parents bought for me when I was younger, it was obviously too big to be brought over to Singapore. But still, I miss that trampoline, and I wonder if it is possible to find one in Singapore anyway. Just spend my whole day jumping around on it, and feel that momentary satisfaction at being closer to the skies, closer to being a soaring bird. How fascinating is the idea! Sometimes I wish to be Schizoaffective disorder, but I think to delve into that would be going off topic.