In Continuum.

A 15 Minutes Affair

In the sky the birds are pulling rain
In your life the curse has got a name
Makes you lie awake all through the night
That's why

Give it another fifteen minutes, and the hair that littered the floor could have been mistaken for a carpet. That was how busy the barbers were at the shop yesterday evening, as the queue stretched all the way from the entrance to the bookstore around the bent. Everybody wanted their hair trimmed at the same time, and the stylists had little time to clear away the hair that fell to the floor. In the line was myself, standing there and waiting like an idiot with my hair standing up in a million different directions. I figured, since I was going to get my hair cut, putting gel to my hair would be as good as bringing a raincoat to Saudi Arabia in summer. Contemplating on what to tell the stylist regarding my hair, I finally took a seat in line and waited for my turn to come, all the while staring at the multi-color carpet that looked more like piles of cat with badly mixed blood.

Sitting next to me was a girl with her boyfriend, probably around my age or a little bit older. It'd be rude and strange to look at her directly, which was probably why I took refuge in the reflections of the mirror before me. Her boyfriend was eventually chased out of the shop because he was taking up seats for the waiting customers for the sake of accompanying his partner. So from outside the shop, his eyes were transfixed upon all the male lifeforms in the shop that made attempts to look at his girlfriend a second or two too long. He was like a vulture then, ready to strike down any poor animals on the plain fields, hungry and desperate for a kill. Which is a miracle why I am still here, typing this entry about the girl next to me - yet again.

She's intoxicated by herself
Everyday she's seen with someone else
And every night she kisses someone new
Never you

I have the tendency to associate myself with the most unattractive fictional characters around. When I was younger, I used to associate myself with Jon from the Garfield comics, simply because it wasn't too difficult to see myself living with a dog and cat at the age of forty, bringing my pets to the vet for a bad excuse to meet her and stuff like that. Judging from the tendency for me to talk to the clothes in my wardrobe, it isn't hard to picture myself talking to my pets in the near future, fully putting the law of Communication into act, which states that "Communication is Inclusive". Truth to be told, I've always liked Jon. But I'm not sure if my parents are going to be very happy if I end up being as lonely and boring as himself, at his age in the comic books. So I looked elsewhere for a fictional character that'd suit myself and at the same time - please my parents.

That character never came, and I was stuck with Jon for the longest time. That status remained until I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and once against associated myself with the social outcast: Joel Barish. Played by Jim Carrey, Joel Barish is a middle-aged man, living alone and very divorced from his previous wife Naomi. His social circle revolves around his brother and his wife, and is pretty much a loner most of the time who delves deep into the pages of his diary to spill out his thoughts and emotions. There is a particular scene in the movie which I found to be amusing, though it wasn't shared by the people in the cinema at that time. The line that he said just rang such a gigantic bell inside my head that I couldn't help but laugh, but at the same time pity myself in a way. In the cafe where he was writing in his diary yet again, he meets Clementine Kruczynski from a couple of tables away, who raised her coffee mug to him as a sign of friendliness. Though Joel smiled back at Clementine with much warmth, he was struggling with himself internally, all the while going," Why do I fall for every girl that shows me a tiny bit of interest?"

You're waiting in the shadows for a chance
Because you believe at heart that if you can
Show to her what love is all about
She'll change

I'm not sure about other men, because I have never asked them this question before. However, I am speaking for myself now, and it is not something I am terribly proud of - though that is not to say that I am ashamed to admit it either. I do have that kind of symptoms at times, being infatuated with a stranger I meet in the course of my life being single. A person on the bus, a person at the bus stop, a person in the lift, a person in school, a person across the aisle, a person in the train, a person online, and like the above mentioned, a person in a barber shop. It's a tendency I guess, that most people may experience when they've been alone for too long. Strictly speaking, I have only been alone for a little more than three months, but that alone is enough to make understand the bitter after tasting the sweet. It is a wonder for me at times how April survived all those times being single. But then again, perhaps people have their own ways of convincing themselves that hey, being single isn't all that bad either.

Anyway, back to the barber shop girl. Sitting next to me with her dyed hair spread across her bare back, they looked like a river system flowing over a black landscape, which was really her sleeveless top by the way. They looked like little tributaries, flowing across river channels and eventually joining the main channel which ends in the sea - the top of her head. The air-conditioning was perhaps too cold in the shop, for there were goosebumps forming on the back of her arm, as she slowly rubbed her palms on her thighs, warming herself up. She was a beautiful woman, and I started to wonder what the hell she was doing with that vulture-like man standing outside the shop, peeping in with his cautious eyes. Then of course, I saw myself in the mirror sitting next to her, and felt terribly under-dressed and completely inappropriate. "Yeah," I told myself. "As if you are any better." It wasn't so much about the infatuation really, but there was a strange thought in my mind going," What if?" But of course, a thought as wild as that was dismissed the moment it was formed, and along with the hair that was on the floor, it was sucked into the vacuum cleaner soon after.

April once told me that being single allows you to fool around a little more. I am sure that those weren't the exact words she used, but you get my point. You can look at people with little guilty, have crazy thoughts - nothing sexual, I promise - without the need to hold back. Being single is being liberal, to be free of bounds and confinements, especially the kind of cage a partner throws over you, the kind with the word "responsibility" and "commitment" written all over. There is nothing wrong with those two words, but they just get tiring and burdensome at times, and you just feel like knocking them down with a giant sledge hammer. But like responsibilities and commitments, loneliness can get tiresome as well. Because the air next to you that is not filled by a loved one, feels like a void that is sucking you in at times.

There isn't anything wrong with falling for people too easily, as she said. But to me, I cannot help but feel as if I am stalking somebody, though our 'relationship' lasts as long as she remains in the same place, and vice versa. I enjoy such kinds relationship, a fifteen minutes affair. You come into a person's life briefly and in the most coincidental way, and have a one-way relationship with that person for fifteen minutes. At the end of it when she has to leave the shop, or you have to get off at your bus stop, the relationship ends in silence and there is no heart break involved. Perhaps just that sense of nostalgia, and the fact that you guys are never going to see each other again. But I guess love just disappointed me on too many occasions, to have my believe that anything long term is infinitely better than a short one.

A fifteen minute affair just seems like my cup of tea, the kind of wave that floats my boat. I do not have to worry about what that person is going to feel about me, or what I am supposed to say to please that person in any way. Just a quiet sense of admiration, the kind that you feel when you sit in the corner of a clearing and admire the serenity around you. I know that in the future, if I am ever charged of being a stalker, this entry may become an evidence against my case. Oh well, as long as I know my limits and not do anything ridiculous or stupid, I guess there is nothing wrong indulging myself in such short and brief affairs. Once the doors of the bus closes, my life is back to normal and everything becomes the same until the next fifteen minutes of mine. It is such a short term goal for me, but what more can I ask for? Single-hood is tough, but don't we all have to learn to roll with the punches?

She'll talk to you with no one else around
But only if you're able to entertain her
The moment conversation stops she's gone
Again