In Continuum.

Channels 11 and 12

If you are going to tell everybody at school that you spent your whole weekend watching MTV, you are not going to be labeled as being 'cool' anytime soon. If you are going to tell everybody at work that you spent your whole weekend watching ESPN, you are not going to be address as 'the main guy'. There are channels out there which are better than the others, more informative and educational. Very much like your favorite movies or your favorite books, the kind of television you watch tells a lot about who you are and what you are made up of. If you are going to tell people that you favorite channels are MTV and ESPN, then people are probably going to see you as this TV junkie who sits in front of the television with a tub of ice-cream or popcorn all day long, watching random sports on channel 23 or 24, then switching over to MTV during the commercial breaks.

Strangely enough, the rainy season seems to have arrived a little earlier than usual. Ahmad calls this weather as being 'awkward', while I am calling this weather as being 'fabulous'. Sure, it brings along some unnecessary moisture and memories, but nobody is going to argue with me when it comes to having quality sleep on a Saturday afternoon. The truth is, nothing beats tucking yourself in on a rainy afternoon like that, or just spend the weekend watching Discovery Channel and National Geographic, like myself for the most part of this day. And people are not going to point their fingers and say," Oh my god, you spent the entire weekend doing what?!" Though it was tempting when my friends asked me to join them for a game of Mahjong over at April's, I still elected to stay at home with myself. I did mourn for the loss of my social life, but I am predicting this weather to last as long as August. Friends are still going to be around afterwards, anyway.

There is something about the two channels that never seems to bore me. The makers of the documentaries on those channels should be given some kind of awards, because they have this ability to make even the most boring subjects interesting. There was a documentary on rocks this afternoon, and they actually managed to have me glued to my seat the whole time. I mean, they were just talking about boulders and rocks, how this granite boulder ended up at the side of a cliff. Then they started talking about the portholes in the ground that weren't natural, and how a giant flood might have sweat through the area in the distant past right after the ice age. Yeah, in text, I must have bored you out right there. In fact, I am boring myself to tears right now just typing everything out. But for some reason, National Geographic was able to make it seem like some murder mystery of sorts, and I am still trying to find how just how they did it with simple documentaries about rocks. Mr. Ng from my Junior College should really take their methods into account when drawing up his next lesson plan.

Those two channels are probably the only channels that have yet to loose their cool on today's television. Forget about news channels, because they are always broadcasting news for entertainment instead of news for information. Forget about the music channels because they are all loaded with reality shows and more of those reality shows, coupled with bad music and mediocre music videos. Forget about non-cable channels because Mediacorp spurts out the worst trash over the airwaves, and forget about movie channels either because they are greatly dependent on the quality of the movies - which varies from time to time. Switch to channels 11 and 12 for a change, and see what I mean when I say that they can turn a documentary about rocks into a murder mystery even more intriguing than a CSI episode.

I love to watch Mythbusters, because there is something about Adam and Jamie busting myths that interests me. It is always interesting to see them sink a ship, blow up a car, collect their own farts, or bury the corpse of a dead pig under layers of concrete. The funniest part is always the the result of the experiments when they don't work out as planned. I still recall vividly the faces of Adam as the cement was drilled opened and the liquidated body of the pig flowed out. On this show, you get to see myths being busted one by one, and it is always an interesting topic of conversation over the coffee table at any one time. Besides, if you are not going to watch the show for all the experiments and all the comedic elements, Kari's pretty damn cute for a 32 year old.

When it comes to censorship, it all goes out of the window for these channels. Because the nature of these programs is educational, there are times when the censorship board would allow certain images to slip by without ratings or warnings. You shouldn't be surprised if you are having your lunch before the television, and then see two lions mating in front of you. Naz - being the innocent victim once - actually saw a documentary about homosexuality, which actually featured two male lions getting it on in the middle of an African grassland. That's something I have yet to witness myself, but I have had my fair share of animal sex on the show called "Wild Sex". They feature anything from fishes to corals, from snakes to giraffes. Not exactly the kind of thing you would want to watch over lunch, and not any time of the day for me either.

Other than strange animal sex, you get to see breasts rather frequently as well. There is a strange rule that I observed about both channels as of late. You are not allowed to show the breasts of white women, or rather women that are living in civilized countries. Like, if you show breasts that belong to an American or an Italian, then you are probably going to get into big troubles. However, if you are going to show breasts that belong to a woman in an unknown tribe in Kenya, or perhaps an uncharted island off the coast of New Guinea, then they are going to give you the green light without much hesitation. For some reason, full frontal nudity seems to be allowed on channels that are educational based, and you see a lot of those in shows like Tribe. I don't have a problem with seeing them of course, but it's just a rather curious observation that I made over the days that I've been watching the programs.

My English teacher from school told us a story about her wonderful son once - whose name slipped my memory. The only channels her son is allowed to watch are channels 10, 11 and 12. Animal Planet, National Geographic and Discovery Channel. Of course, when you are a parent, these would be the obvious channels for your child to watch. You wouldn't want your son to be exposed to sex and violence on HBO just yet, and you also wouldn't want your son to cultivate a bad taste in music on MTV either. Oh, and you definitely want your children to stay away from the Teletubbies. They are aliens with dildos on their heads, and they are - evil.

Anyway, so after watching a documentary about breast implants, he went up to his mother and asked her about silicone gel, and the mentality behind women wanting to enlarge their bosoms. Being embarrassed by the question, my teacher told her son that some women need their morales boosted through various physical means. From the same documentary, her son also learned how to tell real breasts from fake ones, and he kept that in mind until the day when guests were invited to their house and had a dinner party together. Her son went around the table examining everybody's breasts, and actually told the women straight in their faces," Fake! Fake! Fake! Fake!" The guests were never invited back.

The spirit of the Mythbusters must have spurted her son on, when he saw a used condom in front of their house one morning. The following conversation ensued:

Son,"Mama, what is that?"
Nina," That's a condom."
Son," Condom? What's a condom?"
Nina," For protection."
Son," Protection for what?"
Nina," For your wee-wee."
Son," For my wee-wee! Mama, I play soccer at school, I need a condom! Can you buy me a condom!"

She has an interesting child, as you can see. The condom incident remained in his mind for a long time, and it was late one night when it was brought up again in the middle of a convenience store. It was late at night, and Nina wanted to pick up some loaves of bread for breakfast the very next morning. So her husband drove to a nearby convenience store and dropped Nina as well as her son off to pick up some bread. In the convenience store, her son spotted rows and rows of condoms stacked up at the counter, and immediately demanded her mother to buy him a condom. Here is what happened.

Son," Mama, I want a condom."
Mama," You don't need a condom."
Son," Mama, I play soccer at school. My wee-wee could be hit by the ball at any time. I need protection!"

Still, the inquisitive son was refused of a condom in the middle of 7-11. So he decided to ask his father when they were back in the car. The moment he jumped in, he scream at the top of his voice, the following.

Son," Mama wouldn't buy me a condom to protect my wee-wee!"

I don't suppose there are any adverse effects for watching these channels. You do get to see breasts, and you do get to see rib cages being sawed opened on television without mosaic whatsoever. I guess the only side effect is a child's questions, the darnest ones at that. I've been spending time in front of the television today, watching latex men being blown into shreds and full automated artillery tanks in the US army blowing walls into smithereens. I guess when you run out of things to do on a fine Saturday afternoon, there is no harm watching channels 11 and 12 for the whole day. Of course, be wary of your child. He might start asking you questions that you might not want to be answering at this point in time.

At any rate, these channels are not going to grow old any time soon. They are the kind of things that are only going to get better as the years go by. There seems to be an engine of inexhaustible ideas in the minds of the creators, they almost always know what the viewers want. That is definitely something the other channels should be working towards. Instead of making shows for the ratings, how about making shows for the audience for a change. I know that is what you guys have been claiming to do, but do it for real this time and see what happens. It'd be nice to see somebody on Channel 5, holding a piece of limestone in his hand and still have the audience engaged in what he has to say. It'd be a great day for television, though it may only remain in the realms of my wildest fantasies.