In Continuum.

Alone Together

It was me on that road
But you couldn't see me
Too many lights on, but nowhere near here

With the PSY101 mid terms looming in at the beginning of next week, the usually lethargic group of friends that I have had their switches turned on. More and more of them started asking me for the address for Deuel's home, wanting to join the group of us that gathers for our weekly study sessions. I guess, with the Nazi as our lecturer, nobody wants to take any risks this time by pulling an all-nighter around the Mahjong table the night before a paper. Minutes before I left the house for Deuel's, April messaged me for Deuel's address, and I knew that we weren't going to get anything done if we remained in the same room as everybody else. Nothing against April, or any other new members joining the study group. But I figured that with new members around, I wouldn't be able to concentrate as much as I would with the normal bunch of people. I couldn't back out from the plan in the last minute, which was why I went ahead with the original plan anyway. The cab ride to his place was ten cents more expensive than usual, but still not enough to make me curse the driver for his lack of speed. The dog next door slept like a corpse at the front porch, on the edge of the shadows where the shade ended and the sun began.

The house was the same as before, with Deuel's dogs greeting me in the driveway. Mochie's wet nose brushed against the back of my hands while Tigger slapped me constantly with his strong tail. I smiled at the maid and proceeded upstairs, only to find the studying table where we would usually be at, empty. Deuel was nowhere in sight, leaving behind a laptop and a textbook flipped open to page 246. He must have went out to fetch the others here, I figured. The papers fluttered as the fan blew hot wind through the pages, and I made myself comfortable upstairs where his home entertainment system is. I was prepared to spend the rest of the day in the cozy sofa, away from the potential distractions downstairs in the study room. It was going to be a new experience, but at least I was sure to get things done that way.

It was me on that road
Still you couldn't see me
And then flashlights and explosions

They arrived a couple of minutes later, after I occupied the time counting distant barking of the dogs in the neighborhood. Jonathan emerged first, followed closely by Deuel in his usual UB t-shirt. Following behind him was Elizabeth, her radiance trailing behind her hair as usual. Then there was Travers, followed closely by...somebody. It was a face that I did not recognize, but the voice in the back of my head told me that I knew that person. It was Traver's girlfriend, the one he talked about the night before after Shen's birthday party in town. He drove his car to her's, then made a turn to Jonathan's to pick him up along the way. I've never seen her before, but from where I was she looked rather different from the kind of girlfriend that Travers would have in my head. It is a common mistake that I have with my preconceived idea of a person, but this is the farthest from the imagination that it has ever gotten.

It was strange of him to bring his girlfriend to a studying session at a friend's house, especially when she isn't even in the same school, studying the same modules. It'd make more sense if your girlfriend is from the same school, studying the same modules. Even if she isn't, it'd still make sense if she has her own examinations coming up around the corner. It wasn't even a gathering with a couple of friends with a few drinks and music in the background, but a studying session for our PSY101 paper coming up on Monday. Her presence troubled me greatly, and there I was standing on the second floor, wondering what she was going to do for the rest of the day.

Roads and getting nearer
We cover distance but not together
I am the storm and I am the wonder
And the flashlights, nightmares
And sudden explosions

There was a friend of mine who told me about his ex-girlfriend, and her insatiable craving for his company. She was the kind of girlfriend who needed to be around her boyfriend twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. In the case whereby she isn't able to accompany him, she'd demand him to report his locations, his company, his activity, and his time of return back home via SMS. He was under a stringent Communist rule, all for the name of love. As do all boyfriends and girlfriends in love, we usually go through such silly matters without complaining, but as somebody sitting across from him at a coffee table with the word 'friend' tagged to my forehead, I had to intervene. It was especially so after her girlfriend erupted on the phone with him one night, which to me was just plain absurd to begin with.

Apparently, a bunch of gambling hungry friends of his decided to ask him along for a game at a friend's. It was going to be a game of Mahjong, and he made it clear to his girlfriend that it wouldn't make sense for her to come along, since she stood a better chance at beating a Japanese Sumo wrestler in a fist fight than a game of Mahjong. She insisted on tagging along, and erupted for the first time that night because he made it sound as if he didn't want to spend time with her. So the poor friend of mine had to comply, and with her eyes fixated on the boyfriend during the game like a vulture would at a dying lion in the wild, everybody started losing their concentration and money. The boyfriend felt bad for winning, not because of the amount of money he was winning but because of how he was actually winning them. The girlfriend remained next to him, staring at the white and green tiles without much comprehension, sitting there with her arms crossed and not understanding any of the technical jargons the boys were saying across the table. The boredom crept up her back and into her brain, and she got incredibly pissed off afterwards. Thus, the second eruption.

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

They broke up swiftly after, siting the reason to the difference in interest. To her, his interests were in his friends and gambling, though that wasn't the whole truth at all. But then again, with a girlfriend like that, you can't really fault the boyfriend from placing more attention on an army of ants crossing the pavement than his partner. That was the story I kept in mind when I got into my own relationship, and prevented such awkward occasions to arise whenever possible. It worked both ways for the both of us back then, with me keeping her away from parties of people that she didn't know, and she keeping me away from parties of people that I didn't know. It wasn't because of how we were ashamed of our friends to see our partners or anything, but it was how we didn't want to feel alone while being together. It worked out for us, until we broke up for the reason we do not speak of anymore.

Bringing the situation back to Saturday afternoon, Jonathan and I retreated into the guest room in the corner of the study room and remained there for the rest of the day. With the air-conditioning turned on and my music playing quietly over the speakers, it was the perfect place to study without any other possible distractions. I suppose part of the reason why we wanted to remain in the room was to avoid any possible contact with the person that we weren't very familiar with. She looks like a great girl, and Travers obviously takes good care of her. But putting her in a situation like this one, not only made her uncomfortable but the people in the house as well. It is a sort of commitment though, the fact that the both of you promise to meet each other at least once every week over the weekends. But if I wouldn't have brought her to a studying session, that'd be weird as hell.

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

Soon enough, Kania and Shen both retreated into the room as well, joining the both of us on the beds. We didn't really talk about it, but above the small talks that April and Elizabeth were more interested in rather than their textbooks, Kania and Shen were more distracted by her loneliness. There she was sitting at a separate table amidst a bunch of people she didn't know, watching The Devil Wears Prada silently on a laptop while her boyfriend attempted to study for the rest of the afternoon. He retreated upstairs to the entertainment floor for an afternoon nap, leaving her even more alone than she already was. It was as good as leaving your slave to guard the camel in the middle of the Arabian desert at night, while you fall asleep under the tree in the distance. We felt bad for her, but it was not like any of us had the courage to speak to her at all. After all, we were all there for the company and the studying, not to make a stranger to the group feel at home.

I could tell that we were from completely different worlds altogether, Traver's girlfriend and the rest of us. I pictured myself walking up to her at the study table, and trying to come up with conversational topic that is going to last us for more than ten lines. In my imagination, I walked up to her and introduced myself and asked her about the movie she was watching. I imagined her giving me one word answers, and the whole conversation going to hell some time between the third and the fourth exchange. It was the nightmare of all conversations, and I was struck back to reality with a giant blow of awkwardness in my face. I was back in the guest room with the textbook on my laps and the notes sprawled all over the bed. Jonathan was still bent over his book, Shen laying on his side like the statue of a Buddha, and Kania murdering the keyboards with her fingertips, making notes. I shivered at the thought I just had, and tried to get back to the readings I left aside before I conjured the courage to face the nightmare. How apt, to read about traumatic experiences in the textbook straight afterwards. How apt.

I've got a golden ear
I cut and I spear
And what else is there
Roads and getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

There was a call out for help from a friend then, a vibration in my handphone that laid on the bed next to my leg. It was a message from her, telling me about another argument that she must have had with her significant other. It was probably about the same issues all over again, and she started telling me about the perks about being single. Come to think about it, I suppose she is right about the perks about being single. After all, I wouldn't need to worry about my girlfriend feeling bored out of her wits at a studying session with a bunch of people she doesn't know, nor would I need to worry about whether or not somebody is going to be on the other side of the island, monitoring my location, my company, my activity and my estimated time or return anytime soon. Loneliness does strike me every once in a while, but at least there is a sure way of getting rid of that feeling when it tugs at my heart string: I go to school.

At least that kind of loneliness feels better than being with somebody, and a thousand miles away from each other at the same time. It'd be like chewing on a piece of gum until the taste is gone, or the body of a cat trapped in the axles of a truck as it continues to speed down the road. From where we are, the bystanders look at the relationship like a corpse dragged over the rocks, and even we feel the pain of being scratched and wounded all over. You cannot accuse anybody of anything if they are living happily with each other, which I am sure is exactly the case between the both of them. However, there is such a thing as being sadder than sad, and that is the kind of sad that pretends not to be sad. I suppose, living in an illusion of happiness is worse than living in a reality of depression.

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have flashlights, nightmares
And sudden explosions

There is no room I can go and
You've got secrets too

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish