In Continuum.

Maddening Shroud

Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes I love, you know, it's all insane
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to track it in
Maybe it's time for me to throw...

I think I am picking myself back up again. The series of entries a few weeks ago reminding myself of the rope beneath my feet which I missed, and the cloud of dust choking my lungs woke me up better than a baseball bet to my head. I feel like I am being back on track nowadays, going back to the person I know back in last semester, attaining results good enough for my own standards and not anybody else's. At least I am getting full marks for my CSE quizzes these days, passing up assignments on time, feeling motivated to do long boring research papers, and even find something to look forward to in writing an APA reference list. Seriously, this university bug is getting to me, and I am fitting well in this life as an university student, if there is a life to speak of in the first place. In short, I am finding it easier to breathe these days, putting my head above the clouds this time.

But it doesn't seem to be the case for a lot of people around me these days, some of them succumbing to the Herculean tasks placed before their hands. I suppose not everybody has the capability of taking on a raging bull with a pair of bare hands, and even I am finding it hard to leave the arena unscathed this time around. We all have our bruises and our scratches, but some of us have deeper-colored bruises and deeper-running cuts. You cannot equate one person's ability to handle stress to everybody else, and say that it how everybody should be handling certain situations. Some people, in fact most, are not a bunch of tree trucks tied together into a raft. They are twigs, and they break with the slightest pressure applied. Especially in this ferocious river of our academic life, they are especially fragile and vulnerable.

Oh, I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

The rain these days has done little to cool down the mood of those average citizens, with their blood boiling beyond the boiling point, and life tightening its noose around our necks. I've always looked upon an empty can of Coke lying just off the side of the road in wonder, and how it would feel to be trapped within the aluminum prison under the blazing hot sun. The experiences inside the M113 during my army days wouldn't even be able to compare I suppose, and that is probably how a lot of people are feeling these days - like leftover soft drinks in an abandoned coke can. Eruption is imminent these days, imaginary lava are pouring out from every possible ventilations in our skull. For one reason or another, the people around me are incredibly frustrated, and tremendously pissed off. Everybody made themselves a t-shirt that says," Not today!", or that cold stare that hints of a possible homicidal headline in tomorrow's evening news.

It is not just the school flaring people up like the ignition of a jet engine. Quizzes, assignments, projects, they do have the ability to strike a flame onto a pile of dry leaves, especially when the leaves are set above our heads. But there are more reasons for a person to explode these days, as I witnessed today at Deuel's house. You see, I had my lunch before I went over to his house, which was why I was left alone upstairs while the rest of the study group went downstairs for lunch. So there I was working on my research paper when his mother came and started surfing the net behind me for a while. She was looking through a bunch of e-mails when a link kept her whole computer stuck for the longest time. When the little X at the top right of every windows failed to work and the scrolls on the right of every browser failed to scroll, she started banging on the mouse ferociously as if it was going to help with anything at all. Not to say that she was irrational by doing so, but I guess there is an imaginary force these days that is driving everybody up the walls.

Sometimes I like to get away from the saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to track it in
Maybe it's time for me to throw...

So the last week of school has been a living Hell of sorts. Three chapter summaries, one psychology quiz, one world civilization research paper, one full outline for the English research paper, one quiz for CSE, and one assignment for the same subject, all in the measure of one single week. That is why they always say that university lecturers have a pact with each other, a conspiracy of sorts, to make the lives of common university students to be like shit. It is already quite a wonder how I actually survived this horrendous week, how I failed to succumb to the maddening shroud thrown all over us. I guess, looking others feel like shit just like yourself, makes your shit a tad bit less smelly. It was a bad analogy, but it's not like I have a lot of creativity left to speak of after the week of schoolwork, and nothing else other than just that.

We unloaded ourselves at Serangoon Gardens yesterday like the good old times. The last time we were there as a group, we were there pretty much for the very same reason. It was right after the round of paint ball fight over at Orchid Country Club, and the lot of us attempted to kill each other with pellets loaded with vegetable paint. It was our way of saying, that we've had it from the demanding school system, and the only way for us to remain within the limits of our sanity was to attempt homicide with one another. This semester, we don't have paint balls to shoot, no masked friends running about behind crates and barrels. Just our head and the blank wall for us to bang into, or the blog entries for you to vent your frustrations - like myself. I guess what I am trying to say in this blog is that, everybody has their ways of letting go, and throwing things away. But we always have to keep that fishing rod in our hands, never to lose our grip. Because we always have to reel the line back, no matter whether we have a catch or not. We still have to pack up, we still have to go home at the end of the day.

Oh, I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

This entry is for you, if you know who you are. I am not even sure if you are going to read this, judging from the silence over the cyberspace for the past few days. There are times when we need to shun away, but there are times when we need to turn back to face the music as well. Having others go away is never going to solve anything permanently. I'd rather you try to run your head into the wall and crack your head while trying to break the bricks. At least that was what you promised at the beginning of this semester, after that trip in the last. You promised us to work harder, promised us to fear a little lesser about the future, be a little braver about failure. I miss that person, though I do not keep in touch with that person as often as I would like to. Please come back up to the ground, and not have yourself remain in that sinkhole of yours. You are not alone in this spontaneous eruption, we are all breaking up and cracking down. All you need to know, is that you are not alone in this fight with the bull in the arena. You are not alone, you are with us.

Keep breathing, you will be fine.

Some days my strength walks out
Some days I can't go out
It is for real
We can walk about
We can work it over and over and over...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away...