The Hill
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Hill
Looking up the hill tonight
When you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me, burning
It's been a while since I visited the familiar address, it used to be such a routine for me. It was, waking up in the morning, stumbling over to the computer, turning on the computer, opening up a web browser, finding your name under the bookmarks menu. Then, there it was. Words about you, and words about me. There were words about so many things, but none of them are familiar to me anymore. It felt like looking at the video taking during a party of a person I barely know, or a war in a country close by but you cannot feel the explosions. It used to be our happy place, a place where you'd go home and write down all the words we've whispered to each other under the stars.
Where are you my angel now?
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say your not trying
It's so silly, it's so damn foolish. This shouldn't be happening, not right now. Not when it has been so long, right? I mean, clearly, I am being overly neurotic here. It's too late in the night to be thinking about this, too late in our broken relationship to be beaten down like this. You never fail to make me feel inadequate, so sparse and so pathetic. It only took you two weeks to get over me, but I guess I cannot say the same about me. It has been, ten months. Ten, months. A lot of things happened in ten months, and a lot of things did not happen too. If there are medals given out for people like you, people who get over old loves at a blinding speed, you'd be awarded for sure. I'd recommend you too, write you a letter to the administration, if there is such a thing. I will testify for you, tell the world how fast you got over me, because you clearly did, you obviously have. It's ten months, and still counting, for me. I'm moving on, in everywhere else in my life. But when it comes to you, everything just comes to a grinding halt.
Lookin' at you sleeping
I'm with a man I know
I'm sitting here weeping while the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the mornin' I have to let you go
Looking up the hill tonight
When you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me, burning
It's been a while since I visited the familiar address, it used to be such a routine for me. It was, waking up in the morning, stumbling over to the computer, turning on the computer, opening up a web browser, finding your name under the bookmarks menu. Then, there it was. Words about you, and words about me. There were words about so many things, but none of them are familiar to me anymore. It felt like looking at the video taking during a party of a person I barely know, or a war in a country close by but you cannot feel the explosions. It used to be our happy place, a place where you'd go home and write down all the words we've whispered to each other under the stars.
It was our happy place, it really was. Until something happened, I'm sure you remember. Sometimes I wonder how did everything end up this way, was it me? Was it something I did, or something I didn't? It's too late to think about such things, too late in the night that is. I wanted answers, and I'm not sure why I thought visiting you would be a smart thing to do. But that's what I did, though I did not stay for long. Still, it hurts. After all these months, all the tears. Only you can make me feel this way, you know? You've taught me love, you've taught me hate. You've taught me how to never love the way I loved ever again. You were a great teacher, though however cruel. I just wish, right now, that our lessons would end sometime soon.
Where are you my angel now?
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say your not trying
It's so silly, it's so damn foolish. This shouldn't be happening, not right now. Not when it has been so long, right? I mean, clearly, I am being overly neurotic here. It's too late in the night to be thinking about this, too late in our broken relationship to be beaten down like this. You never fail to make me feel inadequate, so sparse and so pathetic. It only took you two weeks to get over me, but I guess I cannot say the same about me. It has been, ten months. Ten, months. A lot of things happened in ten months, and a lot of things did not happen too. If there are medals given out for people like you, people who get over old loves at a blinding speed, you'd be awarded for sure. I'd recommend you too, write you a letter to the administration, if there is such a thing. I will testify for you, tell the world how fast you got over me, because you clearly did, you obviously have. It's ten months, and still counting, for me. I'm moving on, in everywhere else in my life. But when it comes to you, everything just comes to a grinding halt.
Valerie asked me last night, on the train, if I still hold any grudges. Grudges, I must be having issues if I still hold grudges, really. But do I hold the polar opposite of a grudge, the hope that you find happiness in your life? No to that, either. It's the way I have been stuck in the middle for ten whole months, it's the way a man gets stuck in his car in the middle of a railway track. No, the train isn't here yet. But your doors are jammed, and the windows are thick. You know your death is not going to come soon, but it is going to come alright. It is going to come, unless you find a way out. I don't know why she asked me that question, since it came out from nowhere. But I guess it was her way of showing concern, though it was an unnecessary reminder. Of how fucked up I am, as a person. Telling everybody else to move on, giving advices and being a comforting shoulder. I am like the doctor with dementia, treating a patient with the very same disease. You never fail to make me feel pathetic, you never fail to make me feel disgusted - of myself. No one else can make me feel this way about me, no one.
I'm on my knees in front of him
But he doesn't seem to see me
But all his troubles on his mind is looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down deciding is falling you
And I wished that you could see I have my troubles too
But all his troubles on his mind is looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down deciding is falling you
And I wished that you could see I have my troubles too
I should have been sleeping, but for some reason I went over to your address and read what you had to say, what is going on in your life. For some reason, so little has changed over there. The way you write is still the same as before, what you wrote is still the same as before. Even the loving entries about your new love, still feels the same as before. But the name is different, the events have changed. I do not recognize the pictures, I do not remember being there at all, being there with you. Oh yes, I remember. Everything ended, more than ten months ago. It has been that long, I hardly felt it. When you are broken like that, it's difficult to tell one second from the next, one month from the other. It becomes a long, drawn out wait to heal. It's like the ulcer at the back of your mouth that would heal only if you would only stop tonguing it, but you can't. It's like the wound on your ankle that'd heal if you would only stop scratching it, but you can't either. It repeats itself over and over, and I do stupid things every once in a while to remind myself, how fucked up I am. I am in a self-destructive pattern, I can see it.
I think I should go to bed now, sleeping does not allow me to do any further damage to myself. It'd be easy, if I could just be cruel about it. Be brave, be firm. Start the healing right now, do what you have to do. These are things I should be telling myself, things that I have been telling others. But you always come back, you always do. You are on my bed, you are in front of the computer. You are in the doorway, you are at the bus stop. You are on the buses to school, you are on the buses home. You are in the cinema in town, you are at the table next to the sliding doors. You are in the shadows of my mind, you are in the light of my head. You are in every word of this entry, you are in between the words and in every blank spaces. With every such entry I type, I only hope for a little bit of that pain to go away. They do, they really do. Like you said, it's therapeutic, it really is. But then they only last for that long, right? That's why we are slaves of blogging, that's why we are servants of our own pathetic sorrows. This, only lasts so long. Then you are back again, in every word and every blank spaces in between the words.
Take a deep breath, man. Go to sleep, sleep it off. Tomorrow you are going to laugh at how stupid you were while you typed this pathetic little entry of yours. But for now, from now till the time when I fall asleep, it's a constant reminder that yes, it still hurts. That you have taught me how to hate, as you have taught me how to love. Teach me how you got over me in two weeks, take it as that thing you never gave me - our final kiss.
Lookin' at you sleeping
I'm with a man I know
I'm sitting here weeping while the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the mornin' I have to let you go
And you'll be just a man once I leave to know
For these past few days someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault
When will you realize
Lookin' at you leavin'
I'm looking for a sign
For these past few days someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault
When will you realize
Lookin' at you leavin'
I'm looking for a sign
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on Monday, January 21, 2008 at 1:52 AM.
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