In Continuum.

I am not a father, of course, but I suppose how difficult it is to bring up a child from a young age. I know how tiring it must have been for my parents, to have gone through what they have gone through over the past twenty-two years. It was about changing diapers and waking up in the middle of the night to stop my crying. Then it was about battling my asthma problem and then rushing me to the emergency room four times a week for a period of time. Then it was about migrating to Singapore, getting me used to the new life here, settling down and the setting things up. They have been through a lot, for me, and there aren't enough things that I can do for the rest of my life to thank them. I completely understand how difficult it is to be a parent, which is also why there is a fear of becoming one, somehow. We are not talking about having accidental babies here, but just the general idea of being responsible for a delicate life in the future, I suppose. I suppose those that fears the most are also the ones that truly understand the amount of responsibilities involved. Just thinking about it makes my mind boggles, which is also why I find it completely acceptable for someone to not want to have babies. Seriously, I do. 

With that said, I do also believe that it is very easy to sink too deeply into the shoes of being a parent. You play that role for a long enough time, you naturally become involved with the character yourself. The role of a parent is very much constructed by the society, the way that we act as a parent and what we teach to our children are all things that our society would like us to act. It is easy to be too involved, to become too engrossed in that role, and you start to lose sight of things when they are sitting there, glaring at you in your face. I am talking about how some people think that parents just don't understand, which reminds me of that old Will Smith rap from the late 80s about how his "Parents Just Don't Understand". They care too little when you want them too, and then care too much when you don't. It's a complicated thing, the way that most parents operate, they never seem to have the right timing for a lot of things. Some parents merely go through the motion of how it should be like as a parent, and they do not do anything more than what has been taught to them. They come home from work, they cook for their children, and then that is the end of their responsibilities. Then, of course, they stick their nose into the wrong places at the wrong time. 

As an outsider, I don't suppose anybody is ever qualified to comment about how another family operates. As a friend, as a colleague, or as a relative, you are always going to be the outsider. Still, from where I am, I sometimes hear about other families and can't help but feel sorry for the children, you know. There isn't a guidebook lying somewhere for parents to follow, every family work in their unique ways. But there are times when you can't help but question them, though you are really not in the position to do so. I hear about parents having rules like their daughters not being able to get a boyfriend until after university, not being able to go out on weekends, and then there are those who receive just one hundred dollars per month for pocket money. We are talking about an university student here, inclusive of transport fare. I don't want to judge as to what is right and what is wrong in a family that is not my own, but there are times when you can't help but wonder if things could be done in a better way. I truly believe in reasoning and talking things out with people, even if it is children we are trying to convey our messages to. That is also why I am against any forms of physical punishment to the children, I really am. 

My parents never actually hit me, in any way, while I was growing up. I remember the parents' day when my form teacher actually asked my mother if she (the teacher) could cane me as a form of punishment. I remember my friend Jeff's mother enthusiastically agreeing to such a punishment, while my mother was vehemently against it. Most parents looked at my mother and went "what?", because it was unusual of parents in Singapore to say such things, I suppose. My mother doesn't believe in physical punishment, but rather reasoning things out with us. My sister and I grew up in an environment with a lot of talks and a lot of lectures, though I suppose they were more useful than getting a tight slap across the face, like some of my friends were forced to endure. I supposed my parents cared for me as parents, but treated me in everything else as a friend, or just with the kind of respect that did not belittle me in relative to them. Sure, they are my parents, but there are times when the whole parent-child relationship can be put aside, you know? You cannot treat your child thinking that he is your child in every single situation.

The truth is, there are situations whereby a parent-child relationship works, while there are times when a friend-friend approach would be more appropriate? It isn't exactly a boss-subordinate relationship, of course, but parents are the authority of the house after all. They are, in some ways, above you in terms of decision making, and they do have a say in the house whether you like it or not. At the same time, I feel, when you need to put that kind of structure aside and just treat your children as, well, human beings. Not your children with you as the parent, but just another human being with the kind of respect you would show normally, you know? I think the reason why my parents and I have a great relationship going on is because we trust and respect each other a lot. My parents trust that I do not do stupid things when I am out, and they respect that I need to have my own personal space, that I do not like to be questioned every minute of the day as to what I did and what I am doing. Some things are just naturally understood, and they understand. That is the dynamic we share in this family, we kind of just "get it", when it comes to relationships with one another. 

The same, however, cannot be said about some people that I know. They go home to parents who cannot care less about them, but ask them to run errands for them every once in a while anyway. I remember a friend telling me about how she would wake up in a puddle of her own dried blood on the pillow without her parents noticing it at all. If it was me, my mother would have freaked and called the ambulance, or something like that. Her parents care very little about how she is, but you are always hearing about her running errands for the parents. It isn't necessarily a dysfunctional family, you don't have daughters chasing the mother around with a knife or vases being thrown around during an argument. It is this passive aggression that makes things even more stifling, I suppose. To these people, it is even more intolerable, since you are still not financially independent, you still "owe" it to them, so to speak. You are still under their control, because you are still studying and that you are living under their roof. They are, naturally, the authority, and there isn't anything you can do about it. Which is why I feel that negotiation is the best way to resolve conflict in a family, you know? Setting rules and being unreasonable is not going to help anybody, I feel. Since you are going to be you and I am going to be me for a very long time, we might as well try to talk things out, rather than you trying to impose your ideas forcefully into me, right? 

I believe that more than half of what you say is more than what you actually say. By that, I mean the content isn't the most important part of a message. That is what I learn in school as a communication student anyway, and I really don't want to go into the technical details of it all. I think all children know that most parents out there have the best intentions, or at least they should have the best intentions. When they tell you to study instead of chatting online endlessly, when they tell you to come home early and not wander around out there till after midnight, when they tell you to stay at home every Sunday, they have the best intentions I am sure. They want you to get into good schools, get good results, get a good job, get a good husband, whatever. I understand, we understand. Still, the execution of a lot of parents out there just lead us to believe that they just don't understand. They can't seem to say their "good intentions" in a way that is acceptable to us. They almost always seem like they are trying to forcefully impose an idea to us, trying to control us with rules and regulations that are only there to give them a peace of mind, with our freedom being completely disposable. It doesn't matter, at the end of the day, if you have all the best intentions in the world. You say it in the wrong tone of voice, and nothing else matters anymore. 

With that, I must say, that I am very thankful that I have my parents. In truth, thrown into a different family, I don't suppose I'd be able to survive very well. The act of negotiation may be seen as an act of defiance, and thus being "rude" to them. I could receive frequent slaps to the face, canning, or worse. I am glad that I have parents who understand, who do not judge, who accepts me the way that I am. And no, not all parents are understanding, non-judgmental, and accepting. I just think that who I am today has been greatly shaped by how my parents brought me up, and I cannot care less if people might think that I am flawed in ways that are related to how my parents decided to educate me. I am happy with who I am, and I am even happier than they are the way that they are. Your parents are your parents, and my parents are mine. I suppose at the end of the day, I just want to say - thank you, mom and dad. I love you guys.