In Continuum.

The missing piece. 

When you are at the rock bottom of your life, you start to think about how things would be like all the way at the top of things. Once you are there, you tend to look back at how life was like back when things were harder, when you were down in the rock bottom of things. I do suppose I belong in the latter category now, I don't think my life could be any better than how it is right now. I cannot ask for any more than what I already have, and this feeling of contentment is peaceful and calming all at once. In retrospect, I made a lot of mistakes in the past, and this sense of retrospection has forced me to ponder over the relationships that I have erected between my friends and I over the past couple of months. It got me thinking about why people get together with other people, not just in terms of a love relationship but friendships in a social environment as well. You see, harmless teasing from my friends got me thinking about things in the past, and I do feel somewhat guilty of things. The worst part is, somehow, I cannot seem to find the right words to explain why I did what I did in the past, I cannot find any excuses to justify my actions. For that, I feel incredibly in debt to the people that I love right now, and I do blame myself for not treasuring them in the past the way that I should have. 

I was trying to think about a fitting analogy for this whole friendship thing on the bus home a few days ago. My chinese teacher used to speak of friends in our lives like passengers on a bus, and they are just getting on and getting off at different stops in your life. None of them are going to stay for very long, and you really only have to wait long enough before someone new comes along. It is a very cynical view upon life, and you can't exactly blame him, since he wasn't the most popular teacher in school (he was rumored to be some kind of chinese witch doctor). I do not completely agree with him, but at the same time it made some sense. Still, I suppose his flaw in that analogy was to rule out the possibility of real friends, you know? The ones that are there because they are there, the ones with their little knobs tuned into your frequency, those kind of friends. People like that do come along every once in a while, and I am sure it is the case for him, my chinese teacher, as well. I have friends like that, and I don't suppose they have their stops to get off at in my life - they are already at their destination. It is comforting to know that you have a group of friends to fall back on, at times, especially when you have so many other things crashing down upon you from all sides. It is nice to know that these people, they really got your back. 

Yesterday alone, I had two separate conversations with people that I wouldn't normally expect to have a conversation with. I had a chat with Shenny last night on the phone until about three in the morning, and it began with us talking about some school administrative stuff in regards to my transfer to UB's main campus next year. Then it kind of went off course into school stuff, friends stuff, Taiwan stuff (since we are both Taiwanese), and music stuff. Before this semester, I don't suppose I was exactly very close to her, and that does not mean that she is a bad person in any way, whatsoever. The truth is, we just never actually had a chance to sit down and talk, which was what made her an interesting person to talk to last night. Then there was Saranya, whom I met outside Serangoon MRT station, at the bus stop. Prior to yesterday, I have never spoken a single word with her before, not even utter a sound. But there she was at the bus stop, and I happened to be waiting for my bus at the same place. So we talked for a long time, and she was waiting for a friend to come, a friend who was incredibly late at that point in time. I missed my buses (53 and 22) twice before I actually left, and it was a great conversation once again with somebody I hardly knew. 

The point is that, those two conversation reminded me about how nice it is to relate to someone, you know? Just to know someone, find out how that person is like, without any hidden agendas or reasons to do so. You just want to be nice, make friends, no other motives whatsoever. It felt good, to connect with people on that level, and it made me question the decision that I sub-consciously made so many months ago. I do wonder why, at this point in time, why I chose that path. It was wrong, it really was, and I've got no excuses for that at all. The people that I am with right now are some of the kindest, most welcoming and non-judgmental people that I know of, so why did I do it? If there is a chance that I could go back into the past, I'd probably go back to that time and give myself a tight slap across the face. I do apologize to these people, if I have done them wrong in any way. It is true that I haven't been the greatest of a human being, but you guys took me in anyway. When that happened, there were things beyond words for me, things that I really wanted to say, but was too ashamed to do so. But I suppose you guys know, and that is also why I take the jests and the jokes quietly. I suppose, in a way, I deserve it, and it is the price that I have to pay. Still, thank you for being who you are, thank you. 

So, my analogy of this whole friendship thing. Picture a giant jigsaw puzzle that is painted completely black, and you can only depend on the shapes of the pieces to see if they fit into each other. Other than the bordering pieces of jigsaw, every other piece in a puzzle fits with four other pieces, and together they form this great picture. That is, to me, how friendship works. You are the person trying to piece this giant piece of jigsaw together, and you have one piece in your hand, and you are trying to find the other four pieces to fit it in. Of course, you are piecing together a jigsaw that was painted black before it was taken apart, so you can't possibly match the patterns on your piece with something else in the box. So you have to feel your way around, try to fit a few random pieces of jigsaw together before moving on, once you realize that they are the wrong fit. Most jigsaws are probably not going to fit one another, but you are bound to find one if you try hard enough. Some are going to fit in an awkward way, while you try to squeeze the protruding part of a jigsaw piece into the another. Sometimes they happen to fit in, but then you cannot place another piece into the corner any longer, because they weren't meant to be together in the first place. 

I suppose, I have found my other four pieces of jigsaw in this giant black picture. In fact, I have found my pieces a long time ago, but I must have somehow missed them altogether and went for some other pieces. Then I came to the last piece in the box, and I realized that even that one didn't fit me. So I had to start all over again, from square one, and try to fit everything all over again. It was tedious on my part, and it was harsh. I had to go through every single piece just to find the right ones back all over again. With a little bit of patience and luck, I suppose, I found them back, and things have been going rather well ever since. I do suppose that I have mentioned, on a couple of occasions, that I was thankful of them in the past. I suppose I surely wasn't thankful enough, and for that I still feel a slight pinch of guilt every once in a while. I just hope, that at the end of this long journey on this ship, we are not going to be taken apart again just to be carried off in a box, that our company with each other is not going to be seen as something we used to kill time. I just hope that we'd be framed up, carried off, and hung on a wall for someone else to admire or envy. Because really, in truth, the general picture doesn't get any more beautiful than this.