It's Child Abuse!
Monday, November 24, 2008
It's Child Abuse!
A dog with a leash, I think I can handle that. I vehemently believe, however, that a dog chained to the floor for the most part of the day should be considered animal abuse. In fact, if you do not have enough space in your house for a dog that is bigger than your couch, it should also be considered animal abuse. You are taking an animal to a place that is between a prison and a madhouse, only with less bars and padded walls. At least the dog would have fun with those padded walls, not your white concrete walls with ugly pictures of yourself hanging by a bunch of nails. If you don't have a space for a big dog, don't get one. It's the same with children, though that is not to say that you shouldn't have a child if you do not have the room for one. Well, actually, that does make sense, but that isn't the point of this blog entry. I believe that if you are stupid enough to give your child a stupid name, then you do not deserve to be a parent at all. Such an act should be punishable by the law in every country, and should be filed under child abuse. It may not be the typical form of child abuse we hear of on the news, but it comes close enough. You give your son or your daughter a stupid name, and he or she is going to be stuck with it for the rest of his or her life. Imagine all the bullying in between his first birthday and birthday when he can legally change his name to something else. Yeah, you idiots - that's right.
More than just the responsibility of bringing up a child, I think every parent has the responsibility to give their children names that are not going to cause them to become the butt of jokes all around the world. Isn't it heartbreaking to see pictures of those innocent looking babies in magazine covers, only to know that they are going to grow up with that same stupid name? I think it is against the law in New Zealand to give your child a stupid name, because of all the teasing your child is going to be prone to when he attends school. Besides, there are a lot of stupid people out there, and a lot of them are parents. Most parents want their child to be successful in life, to stand out from a crowd. Some parents, however, don't want them to do so in terms of their abilities and their skills. They want their children to stand out because of their names, but sometimes it just sticks out like a penis out of an opened fly - it's not pretty. There are really retarded names out there in this world, and you can't help but ask yourself just what in the world were those parents thinking in the first place? Were they drunk, high, or both? It is hard to tell, but you start to get a hint that they probably were all of the above, and more. It's just sad that these babies have to be born with stupid names, given by stupid parents. These parents should also be tagged stupid names, or just have the word "stupid" added to their last names.
"They are just names", you might say, but a name speaks a lot about one person. Do you have a name in your mind right now, a name that belongs to someone you don't like very much? If it is Sarah, I know of a name that you are probably going to hate for the rest of your life, and anybody else that comes along with the exact same name. Anyway, there are people in my life who has never gotten along very well with me, for some reason. The first is Eugene, I've never really liked anybody called Eugene. There was this rather feminine, or gay (allow me to be crude) schoolmate of mine in high school called Eugene. My most hated platoon commander during my days in the army was called Eugene, the same guy that kicked me in my helmet and punished us in the rain for two hours. I also never got along with anybody called "Jared" for some reason, and both of them incidentally happens to be potential sexual predators. The first Jared was rumored to jack off in the school urinal, and was once reported to have harassed my friend's now ex-girlfriend. The other Jared was once involved in calling up the girl he had a crush on back in Junior College and masturbated over the phone. Of course, not all Eugenes and Jareds are like that, I'm just saying that I don't personally know any whom I can get along with.
But those are just very ordinary names, truth to be told, but some of us tend to relate two people with the same names together, and then have a stereotypical image about them both. Names are important to us humans, which is also why all of us have names. Names give us an identity, more than those serial numbers you have in your identification card, or those bar codes down below in the bottom right hand corner. We call each other by our names, sometimes our pet names, but they are still names. Names pretty much follow you for life, probably the only thing that is going to stick, provided that you do not change it of course. And as for celebrities, names are especially important to them and their identities. Take the rapper Akon for example, Akon isn't his real name. Well, it is a part of his real name, and the real one goes something like that: Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam. If I have a name like that, I'd probably go for the name "Akon" as my rapper name as well, it does sound rather badass. Though, I do always mispronounce it as A-Kon, like "air-con" or "acorn" - not exactly what he was aiming for, I'm sure. Imagine if he actually picked the wrong name, and his rapper name becomes "Lulu" or something. "Yo, Lulu in da house!". Not exactly the coolest name ever.
So, names are important, and they are determined by our parents. The relatives could give ideas, the friends could give ideas, anybody can give ideas. But it is ultimately up to the parents, of course, which is why they think that they have power over you for the rest of your life - they gave you your name, after all. Your identity! Anyway, there are parents who are just downright irresponsible when it comes to baby names. There is a famous story about a couple in China who wanted to name their son the Internet "at" symbol. You heard me right, they wanted to name their son @. That is because, in mandarin, the symbol "@" sounds like "love him" phonetically, and the parents thought that it'd be cool for their son to be reminded of their love for him. It's just sad that, as parents, you cannot think of better ways to make him remember your love. Just do what you are supposed to do as parents, they will love you back in the future, no matter what. I don't know if they went ahead with that horrendous name, but I do suppose it'd be pretty confusing for the child in the future, hearing his name in every e-mail address that is going to be uttered. Using names like that should constitute as parental cruelty!
Then there are some parents who are obsessed with mother nature, and they want to name their sons and daughters after aspects of it. Summer Skies, Autumn Night, April Shower, Spring Flower and whatnot. Take any two of the following nouns and you get the baby name of a child that belongs to freaks of mother nature: Rain, Autumn, Mountain, Tree, Lake, River, Winter, Summer, Spring, Sunshine. Here's an idea, why not name your sons and daughters after other aspects of mother nature? Rats, rodents, cockroaches, ants, flies, mosquitoes, dung, slug, or snail? The only person I know who pulled off a name that is related to mother nature is probably River Phoenix, the brother of Joaquin Phoenix. But, of course, he did die due to drug overdose outside Johnny Depp's club, maybe he really didn't like his name after all. These nature freaks love to name their daughters after some aspects of the nature, and they fail to realize that they make their child sound like potential porn stars. Just visit any random porn site with a bunch of featured porn stars, and you are going to see some of the names that I have mentioned above. Trust me, you are going to find a Summer Snow or two, because that is the way it is.
Celebrities are at the epitome of baby name stupidity. So I did a little research on celebrity baby names, and I have even less respect for these celebrities than some of them already have in my mind. Let's list a couple of them, shall we? Nicholas Cage named his son Kal-El because he loves comic books, and he loves Superman. Jason Lee (the guy from My Name Is Earl) named his son Pilot Inspektor after hearing the song by the band Grandaddy called "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot". Sylvester Stallone named his son Sage Moonblood, as if he is some Elf from World of Warcraft or something. I respect Steven Spielberg, I really do. But his genius in directing movies didn't actually translate to naming his own child very well - Destry, like Destroy without the O. When your father is one of the most over-rated singers in the history of rock and roll, or Bono, you shouldn't be surprised that you are also given a stupid name like Memphis Eve. What does that mean, the eve of (something) in the city of Memphis? Speaking of U2, The Edge (the guitarist) has a baby daughter called Blue Angel. It wasn't enough that Angel is a perfectly normal name by itself, he had to add some colors to it. Then again, "The Edge" isn't exactly a very clever name to begin with, so what were you expecting, really?
Oh, what a cute baby boy!
His name is Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K.
True story.
A dog with a leash, I think I can handle that. I vehemently believe, however, that a dog chained to the floor for the most part of the day should be considered animal abuse. In fact, if you do not have enough space in your house for a dog that is bigger than your couch, it should also be considered animal abuse. You are taking an animal to a place that is between a prison and a madhouse, only with less bars and padded walls. At least the dog would have fun with those padded walls, not your white concrete walls with ugly pictures of yourself hanging by a bunch of nails. If you don't have a space for a big dog, don't get one. It's the same with children, though that is not to say that you shouldn't have a child if you do not have the room for one. Well, actually, that does make sense, but that isn't the point of this blog entry. I believe that if you are stupid enough to give your child a stupid name, then you do not deserve to be a parent at all. Such an act should be punishable by the law in every country, and should be filed under child abuse. It may not be the typical form of child abuse we hear of on the news, but it comes close enough. You give your son or your daughter a stupid name, and he or she is going to be stuck with it for the rest of his or her life. Imagine all the bullying in between his first birthday and birthday when he can legally change his name to something else. Yeah, you idiots - that's right.
More than just the responsibility of bringing up a child, I think every parent has the responsibility to give their children names that are not going to cause them to become the butt of jokes all around the world. Isn't it heartbreaking to see pictures of those innocent looking babies in magazine covers, only to know that they are going to grow up with that same stupid name? I think it is against the law in New Zealand to give your child a stupid name, because of all the teasing your child is going to be prone to when he attends school. Besides, there are a lot of stupid people out there, and a lot of them are parents. Most parents want their child to be successful in life, to stand out from a crowd. Some parents, however, don't want them to do so in terms of their abilities and their skills. They want their children to stand out because of their names, but sometimes it just sticks out like a penis out of an opened fly - it's not pretty. There are really retarded names out there in this world, and you can't help but ask yourself just what in the world were those parents thinking in the first place? Were they drunk, high, or both? It is hard to tell, but you start to get a hint that they probably were all of the above, and more. It's just sad that these babies have to be born with stupid names, given by stupid parents. These parents should also be tagged stupid names, or just have the word "stupid" added to their last names.
"They are just names", you might say, but a name speaks a lot about one person. Do you have a name in your mind right now, a name that belongs to someone you don't like very much? If it is Sarah, I know of a name that you are probably going to hate for the rest of your life, and anybody else that comes along with the exact same name. Anyway, there are people in my life who has never gotten along very well with me, for some reason. The first is Eugene, I've never really liked anybody called Eugene. There was this rather feminine, or gay (allow me to be crude) schoolmate of mine in high school called Eugene. My most hated platoon commander during my days in the army was called Eugene, the same guy that kicked me in my helmet and punished us in the rain for two hours. I also never got along with anybody called "Jared" for some reason, and both of them incidentally happens to be potential sexual predators. The first Jared was rumored to jack off in the school urinal, and was once reported to have harassed my friend's now ex-girlfriend. The other Jared was once involved in calling up the girl he had a crush on back in Junior College and masturbated over the phone. Of course, not all Eugenes and Jareds are like that, I'm just saying that I don't personally know any whom I can get along with.
But those are just very ordinary names, truth to be told, but some of us tend to relate two people with the same names together, and then have a stereotypical image about them both. Names are important to us humans, which is also why all of us have names. Names give us an identity, more than those serial numbers you have in your identification card, or those bar codes down below in the bottom right hand corner. We call each other by our names, sometimes our pet names, but they are still names. Names pretty much follow you for life, probably the only thing that is going to stick, provided that you do not change it of course. And as for celebrities, names are especially important to them and their identities. Take the rapper Akon for example, Akon isn't his real name. Well, it is a part of his real name, and the real one goes something like that: Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam. If I have a name like that, I'd probably go for the name "Akon" as my rapper name as well, it does sound rather badass. Though, I do always mispronounce it as A-Kon, like "air-con" or "acorn" - not exactly what he was aiming for, I'm sure. Imagine if he actually picked the wrong name, and his rapper name becomes "Lulu" or something. "Yo, Lulu in da house!". Not exactly the coolest name ever.
So, names are important, and they are determined by our parents. The relatives could give ideas, the friends could give ideas, anybody can give ideas. But it is ultimately up to the parents, of course, which is why they think that they have power over you for the rest of your life - they gave you your name, after all. Your identity! Anyway, there are parents who are just downright irresponsible when it comes to baby names. There is a famous story about a couple in China who wanted to name their son the Internet "at" symbol. You heard me right, they wanted to name their son @. That is because, in mandarin, the symbol "@" sounds like "love him" phonetically, and the parents thought that it'd be cool for their son to be reminded of their love for him. It's just sad that, as parents, you cannot think of better ways to make him remember your love. Just do what you are supposed to do as parents, they will love you back in the future, no matter what. I don't know if they went ahead with that horrendous name, but I do suppose it'd be pretty confusing for the child in the future, hearing his name in every e-mail address that is going to be uttered. Using names like that should constitute as parental cruelty!
Then there are some parents who are obsessed with mother nature, and they want to name their sons and daughters after aspects of it. Summer Skies, Autumn Night, April Shower, Spring Flower and whatnot. Take any two of the following nouns and you get the baby name of a child that belongs to freaks of mother nature: Rain, Autumn, Mountain, Tree, Lake, River, Winter, Summer, Spring, Sunshine. Here's an idea, why not name your sons and daughters after other aspects of mother nature? Rats, rodents, cockroaches, ants, flies, mosquitoes, dung, slug, or snail? The only person I know who pulled off a name that is related to mother nature is probably River Phoenix, the brother of Joaquin Phoenix. But, of course, he did die due to drug overdose outside Johnny Depp's club, maybe he really didn't like his name after all. These nature freaks love to name their daughters after some aspects of the nature, and they fail to realize that they make their child sound like potential porn stars. Just visit any random porn site with a bunch of featured porn stars, and you are going to see some of the names that I have mentioned above. Trust me, you are going to find a Summer Snow or two, because that is the way it is.
It is bad enough if your children have stupid names, it is worse when you were supposed to give them a normal name, and they end up having a weird name because you misspelled it in the first place. It is spelled as J-A-M-E-S, not J-A-Y-M-E-S, thank you very much. And, it is M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E, not -M-Y-C-H-E-L-L-E. I hate it when parents take the liberty of twisting perfectly normal names around and make them look unique and special, when they really look ridiculous and stupid. "Sophia" and "Sofia" can be understood at least, by James and Jaymes? Come on! Then you have real names that are missing a letter or two, not because of an administrative mistake but because the parents can't spell properly. It's Taylor, not Taelor. It's Natalie, not Nataleigh. It's Zachary, not Zakary, or Zakkary, or Zacharie. It's Michael, not Mykal, or Mychal. It's Megan, not Maygun, Maegan, or Maygen. It's Jessica, not Jessika. It's Grace, not Grayce. It's Michelle, not Mashell or M'shell. And, it's Kayla, not Kaela, Kaylah, Caelah, Cayla, or Chaela. Take notes, stupid parents. You might need it.
Celebrities are at the epitome of baby name stupidity. So I did a little research on celebrity baby names, and I have even less respect for these celebrities than some of them already have in my mind. Let's list a couple of them, shall we? Nicholas Cage named his son Kal-El because he loves comic books, and he loves Superman. Jason Lee (the guy from My Name Is Earl) named his son Pilot Inspektor after hearing the song by the band Grandaddy called "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot". Sylvester Stallone named his son Sage Moonblood, as if he is some Elf from World of Warcraft or something. I respect Steven Spielberg, I really do. But his genius in directing movies didn't actually translate to naming his own child very well - Destry, like Destroy without the O. When your father is one of the most over-rated singers in the history of rock and roll, or Bono, you shouldn't be surprised that you are also given a stupid name like Memphis Eve. What does that mean, the eve of (something) in the city of Memphis? Speaking of U2, The Edge (the guitarist) has a baby daughter called Blue Angel. It wasn't enough that Angel is a perfectly normal name by itself, he had to add some colors to it. Then again, "The Edge" isn't exactly a very clever name to begin with, so what were you expecting, really?
Let's continue with celebrity baby names here. Actress Shannyn Sossamon (you know, the girl from A Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger) has a son called Audio Science. Yeah, really, Audio Science. Why not Video Physics? I am sure you guys don't know who she is, and I didn't know who she is either, until I checked up on her. She is hardly a celebrity, and it is just sad that this is the only way for her to make the headlines - by giving her son a stupid name. Frank Zappa has four children, and all of them have equally stupid names. In order of the least stupid to the most stupid: Ahmet, Dweezil, Moon Unit, and Diva Thin Muffin. The famous magicians Penn & Teller, we all know their magic tricks and stuff like that. I've never really liked Penn, I've always been a fan of Teller, though he is rather laconic in nature. Penn's son is called Moxie Crimefighter, believe it or not. The first part of his name sounds like a brand of mosquito repellent, while the last part of his name just sounds like the name of a stupid, well, crimefighter. No wonder I've never liked Penn very much. He really should learn how to make a brain appear in his skull. Next, we have Rob Morrow from the show, Numb3rs. We have had pretentious hippie names, retarded joke names, and now I present to you - the pun names. His son is called, drum roll, Tu Morrow. I can imagine all these kids going "Fuck you, parents!". I agree.
So, parents should really be regulated here. Stop giving your children stupid names, because they are supposed to live a long time with that name. They are going to be made fun of, laughed at, beaten up in the playground, and this is just in nursery school. Just wait till they get to high school and the kind of jokes that they are going to tolerate. My sister's friend's brother's classmate is called Long Dick Long, and you really don't want that kind of name, no matter how flattering you are. Also, dialect names in the Singapore context really should be carefully watched, especially when "Gay" is a legitimate last name here. Not to mention the infamous identification card of a boy named "Batman Bin Suparman", somehow related to Nicholas Cage perhaps. These parents should be thrown into jail, or have "stupid" behind their last names. They are evil, I tell you, they do not even deserve to be parents. I am not a parent yet, and I hope I do not get the chance to tell you any first hand information. But, at least I know the importance of a name, and baby names like all the ones mentioned above should be left out of consideration and filed under "epic fail". Seriously, don't think about it. Don't, really. Don't.
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on Monday, November 24, 2008 at 9:35 AM.
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