In Continuum.

That's a picture of a Brazilian model, Mariana. There is no questions about the fact that she is a beautiful woman, but I can't help but look at this hands and feel sad for her somehow. It isn't because they are oddly shaped, or because she has one less or one more finger compared to everybody else. I bet you looked at the picture when I mentioned about her hands, and you may want to direct your attention to her legs as well, though the feet has been cut off in the picture. Cut off, how apt are those words, if you know what happened to her recently in a hospital. You see, she suffered a disease called Septicemia, a disease triggered by a bacterial infection that leads to the rapid deadening of body tissue. In an act to save her life, the doctors decided that it'd be wise to amputate her feet to prevent the virus from spreading to the rest of the body. Then it was discovered that she'd have to have her hands amputated as well, and that was what the doctors did later on in the day. I can't help but feel sorry for her, despite never knowing her before reading about it in the news. She just died in the hospital, though, succumbing to the disease at the age of just twenty. I feel sorry for her, and I am just thankful for the fact that I have both my hands to type this entry right now. 

I think what saddens me isn't so much about this random model I haven't heard of dying, but rather the idea of someone going through that kind of ordeal, you know. Death is frightening, surely, but it is just so far away from me, and most of the people around me right now, you know? It isn't something we worry about, or should worry about everyday. I sometimes ask myself what would be the most frightening medical condition to have, other than the ones that lead to imminent death. I thought about losing my senses once, all of it or just one of it. I tried to rationalize as to which sense I would rather lose, and it's just so difficult to actually pick one and say "You can take this", because we've all grown so used to it, you know. I settled with taste eventually, because it just seems like the only thing I'd be willing to give up. I mean, losing the sense of touch, how weird is that going to be? We'd be physically disorientated somehow, feeling as if we are floating around in space all the time, perhaps. Losing my sight would mean that I'd be rid of all the beautiful things in the world, and there is only so much our imagination can do. I can't live without my music, and to live in an environment without sound is terrifying, at least in my mind. So it is left with taste and smell, and I think I can deal with eating and not tasting the food. I'd suck, but I'd probably be able to win competitions out there that involves obscenely spicy Buffalo Wings. It'd be fun, in a way. 

I think that is one of those questions people tend to ask a lot, which of your senses would you rather lose, or which one would you want to keep if you have to lose everything else? But I think the idea of being amputated, especially when you have to be rid of every limb, it's just such a scary thought, you know. On some levels, it just sounds worse than not being able to use them, like when you are paralyzed or something. At least they are still there when you look down, you know, and not stumped like the end of a chopped up sausage. It is worse that you have to wake up to such a terrible sight, and I can't imagine how it is like to be told "we have to take them away". You can't help but start to think about how we have taken these little things for granted sometimes, you know, even when we are just talking about something we were born with. I mean think about it, it really only takes a mother with a alcohol problem or a few sticks of cigarettes a day to cause you to be deformed. Of course, if you are reading this entry, you are probably doing just fine. But it is so easy to have been the other way around for you, for me, for all of us out there, you know?

It just makes me feel really vulnerable somehow, as human beings, as compared to everything else. You know how it is when you watch Animal Planet, those animals being forced to stand on their own legs moments after their birth. Then they have to survive out in the wild, and they are able to survive in so many conditions. But humans are just so vulnerable, you know, we get sick so easily. Try blasting a fan into your face overnight some time, it's probably going to make you sick. Or, just the simple act of walking from a really hot day into a really cold room, that's going to give you a flu as well. It's just so easy for us to fall sick, and who knows what that flu could lead to eventually. My little flu a year ago developed into Bronchitis, which really wasn't too fun a thing to go through. I'm not saying that Bronchitis is, in any way, more serious and horrific than being amputated. I'm just saying it really is that easy for you to be, well, in that condition. I can't imagine myself without my limbs, you know, it's frightening to consider the consequences of it all. The things that I'd be missing in the process, everything. When you come right down to it, insects are probably going to be the only ones that thrive in this world, when everything else rots away. Humans first, of course, because we are always so vulnerable against little microscopic enemies. Bacteria, germs, viruses, and all those things. Yeah, we are like flowers in the storm, or an ice cube in a volcano.

For one, I'd probably not be typing this entry right now, if I lost my arms. I could still, but I'd probably need somebody to help me out with the typing. Or, have one of those sticks in between my teeth to press the letters one by one. But that'd take a lot of time, since I usually have a lot to say. I'd not be playing my guitar anymore, and it'd just sit there with that gaping hole in the body, like the mouth of a wailing man, asking me why I have left him behind to gather dust, to rot away. Then there are the legs, and the places it has taken me. You know, the different countries, the different places in Singapore, the jungles and the comfortable bedroom of loved ones. I'd be bound to a wheelchair, or my bed most of the time, not being able to go to places that I want to go, not being able to have the kind of freedom I want. It's kind of like the character in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, only that is probably ten times worst than this. 

Of course, there are more things to worry about at this time of the night. You know, Palestinians being bombed, people being killed and thrown into pits, stuff like that happening all over. I read the comments on Digg.com, and the indifferent population of the world scoffed at the idea that so many people were concerned about this model, and couldn't really be bothered with her death. Sure, it's true that people care about celebrities as much as they care about you. It's true, but do we really have to look at them that way, or just another human being. How do you measure the value of a person anyway, between those tragic deaths in Gaza and that of a twenty year old model who died from a horrible disease. How do you say one is sadder than the other, when the result is the same? You know, a broken family and heartbreaks, they are all difficult to deal with. I don't think they are any different, because they are all tragic and sad to me. It's just that, losing my limbs just seem like a closer threat than being bombed in this country right now, you know? It just seems a whole lot closer to me, and worse if it could happen to my loved ones. I don't know, at the end of the day, how do we put value to things like these hands and feet, or our lives anyway?