In Continuum.

It rarely happens, but it does. Chamber explosion is kinda like what a layman would call a "backfire", in the sense that the ammunition explodes within the chamber of a gun, causing the firer to be injured as a result instead of the target. It happens when the bullet is defective, or when it is not positioned properly inside the chamber itself. It usually is, but shit happens as what the guys from the army would say. When it isn't positioned probably, the bullet isn't able to travel through the barrel and out of the gun. When the bolt snaps forward, the firing pin hits the back of the bullet and causes and ignition inside where the gunpowder is located. However, because the bullet isn't positioned properly, the bullet will explode within the chamber, causing the body of the gun to explode outwards as well. We have seen pictures of guns with a giant hole in its side, though never the victim of the explosion. It happens every once in a while, and it happened to one of the bigger machine guns during a live firing exercise once. Luckily, no one was hurt in that incident, but we were given another lecture on how dangerous it can be. Every once in a while, a gun backfires on the firer, and one of these unfortunate soldiers get sent to the hospital. I've never seen the injuries inflicted, but you can imagine how it is like. Try imagining the gun exploding centimeters away from your face, and the metal parts embedding deep into your flesh. Yeah, I know. 

It's funny how life sometimes works the same way as well. You know, when your plan doesn't go your way, they sometimes fizzle out and die away with time. Then there are times when it explodes and backfires on you, and you end up being the butt of the joke at the end of the day. It's just interesting to observe how certain things in life come in full circle at times, when what went around is coming around all over again. It is somewhat comforting in a demented way, but the feeling that I am getting cannot possibly be a lie. I do feel comforted by the recent events, and even more so as I play the role of a spectator rather than a player on the field. It seems to be rough out there, or at least it is going to be some kind of tension out in the field. I was there, though, I was in the midst of the action and really pushing my way through everything. It turned out ugly in the end, with my body bruised up and scratched. It is not fun to be out there, and it is much more comfortable here in the spectator stand. With my cup of soft drink and hotdog, the drama on the field almost feels like entertainment somehow, and the action will carry on in the locker room after the game is all over. Then somebody would quit, that somebody would storm out of the locker room and join the spectators in the next game. Because he cannot be bothered with the sport anymore, because he knows that it is better here than there - the grass here is greener. 

Social politics is a terrible, terrible thing. In fact, tagging the word "politics" to anything is probably going to turn that thing into a terrible, terrible thing. Like, food politics or something, whatever that means, almost makes the food sound as if it is extremely poisonous and inedible. Anyway, that is the same with social politics, the subtle rules that humans work with when interacting with one another in a social group. You cannot expect everything to be laid out under the sun, because there are things that happen in the shadows and under the table. Different people have different dynamics I suppose, and you cannot expect these dynamics to come together in a perfect way. Sometimes you get over those differences and work things out despite all the disagreements, and that really should be the way. Then there are times when these dynamics clash, and then you get a really ugly social politics going on. One could do less with such things in his or her life, but what can we do about it anyway. We try to remain neutral to a lot of things, compromising for the sake of friendship, for the sake of a person, but it never really works out in the black and white world of social politics. One can only tolerate for so far and so long, and there is bound to be a time when you realize that - hey, I am not going to take that shit anymore. 

Or at least that was the choice I made a little less than a year ago, leaving the troubles behind and the venturing out into the unknown. At that point in time, I have already invested myself deeply into a group of people, so much so that leaving it was extremely painful for me. Though, to be honest, it wasn't me who made the decision initially, but I guess I made the decision to not care about mending any wounds. I just picked up and left one day, and apparently I did not pack enough for the journey for a couple of months. I was starved for the most part, until a familiar van drove by and picked me up from the side of the road. All worked out well for me, and things have been great so far. Yet, I cannot help but look back at times and wonder what went wrong, if it really was me that deserved that kind of treatment. In the face of absolute logic, I found myself attributing the blame unto myself, for better or for worse. I thought the accusations were right, and that I was indeed a rotten person to begin with. Then, of course, I realized that it wasn't so much about me being rotten, but because of what the politics shaped me to become. The moment I got onto that kind van, everything faded away, and I am glad. It wasn't me, it was you. 

Recent events have presented a rather interesting perspective on things, the way a good friend is experiencing the exact same path that I took many months ago on my own. Only, this time, he has a stronger backing of people and a perfect reason. I didn't find my reason until months later when I couldn't be bothered any longer, but it is different for the good friend of mine. I suppose the reason to leave is a lot more valid here, and I cannot imagine such a thing being done to him at all. He has always been the respected guy, the guy with the common sense, the guy with the undisputed logic. Yet, when faced with such events, even he feels the need to pack up and leave. In the wake of things, we leave behind a stranded girl upon a sinking ship. The lifeboats are gone by now, all the lifejackets are used up, and it is up to the girl to jump ship before it is too late. The good friend has come clean with his feelings, telling the world what he has to say, and leaving it all behind. What took him so long to realize, I don't know. If we left together, it would have been good on my part, at least I'd have had some company back then. But it did take a while for him to be pushed over the edge. Him, one of the most accommodating person that I know. The point is, though, that he is on my side now, or on the right side of things. 

As much as we had to draw lines in relationships, that is the reality of things in general. It is always about your side and my side, it is always about this side and that side. It doesn't necessarily mean that if you are on a different side, you are always going to remain there. Yet, friendship works in strange ways, and it changes with a line draw in between. You can cross it at times, but you never stay too long on the other side. Perhaps the air breathes different, or that you miss the comfort of where you came from. No matter what it is, we almost always fall back to where we came from, and that is as far as things go for the most part. My relationship with some people, while it didn't turn sour, grew distant. It was reduced to corridor conversations, friendly greetings and small talks. That is the reality of things, and I suppose we all understand the dynamics of things. Aside from the clandestine online conversations that we have once in a while, I still felt incredibly distant from those people, with some of those being loved dearly by me. I had to let go, we all had to let go, because that is what happens when you draw lines in people's lives - you find it hard to cross it all over again. 

For a long time, like I said, I accused myself for a lot of wrongdoings. Whether or not it was true, it pained me to think that somebody would reason things out the way that they did. Yet, after some retrospective thought, I vowed to become a better person somehow. By staying away from the crowd, the limelight, and the radar altogether. I became secluded for the most part, reserved to only people I was comfortable with, and it has worked out pretty well for me. I suppose I was never meant to be the guy in the center of attention, because sometimes things get tangled up that way. I harbored a quiet belief that it was really me, that it was really my fault. What I didn't know was that they were also thoughts instilled into my head from months and months of negative influences. I got that out of my head, tried to bridge differences, I crossed the lines. The good friend seems to be going the same path now, and it just tells me this one thing - I am not alone in this. It's just the thought that when there are a dozen people feeling the same way as you, then you can't be wrong. I thought it was me, until he came along to tell me "hey, I feel the same way as you. In fact, a lot of people think the same way as  you". It comforted me, really, to know that I was merely physically alone in the past and never lonely.

As for the current situation right now, I suppose it is a stalemate right now. Stale, because I suppose it has left a bad taste in everybody's mouths. That taste after something has been chewed a dozen times over, and you can't help but spit it out. That is the situation now, but the good friend is always going to have the last laugh in things, the way that he does. In the long run, someone is going to end up all alone in life, and it certainly isn't going to be him. Oh yes, it isn't going to be him at all. It is lonely when you are high up in the clouds, when you are alone with yourself. Sometimes, maybe it isn't so much about how nobody understands you, but about how you don't understand anybody. It is yet another representation of how self-centeredness could backfire on you, when your grand master plan of creating this perfect kingdom could explode in your face. Like a giant social chamber explosion, it often leaves yourself and everybody around your permanently scarred. Some of us become hospitalized, some of us go home with a cut in the face. But we almost always heal, the people around you, we always make our way home somehow. You, on the other hand, the future is unclear. You may walk away unharmed in the end, but you may remain traumatized by such events. When all is said and done, you are always going to remain on your high horse in the middle of nowhere - alone.