In Continuum.

I have come to a conclusion that more than just an opportunity to visit new cities, to meet new people, and to experience a weather system that is like the one in Singapore on speed, it is more about growing up and being independent. There seems to be a difference between knowing what to do to grow up and to actually be in the process of growing up. On the brink of this journey, I've always known that I needed to do this thing no matter how much the other half of my heart may try to persuade me to stay. As much as it was a rather impromptu decision made on my part to come over to Buffalo, it was a decision that I knew that I had to stick with, and to see the end of it with my own eyes. I remember the beginning of my college life back in Singapore when I was first presented with the opportunity to come over. When asked about if I wanted to come over to Buffalo to continue my studies, I remember telling people that I'd definitely be going. But that was about three years before the actual trip alone, and for three years I told people that I'd be traveling overseas for my studies. It was somewhat embarrassing when asked the question of "when", and the answer would be "in 2009". Now that I am in the present tense of things, I am truly glad that I made the decision to come over.

The afternoon of October the 30th five years ago was the day I thought that I'd die in the next two years. That was the day when I received my enlistment letter from the army, something that the majority of the guys in Singapore would have experienced. I remember the weakness in my knees and the confusion in my mind. It was a day that I'd not soon forget, because of the intense fear that I had for the days to come. I was positive that I'd die in the army, and I am not talking about it in the figurative sort of way. I was certain that the training would actually deal physical harm to my body, so much so that I'd die out in the fields like a great many horror stories I have heard about it. Then again, if my self-imposed prophecy actually came true, I wouldn't still be here writing about it, now would I? I worried a lot about the army back then, so much so that I forgot to understand that even the worst of things can turn out to be the best way to grow up, to learn something about yourself. I am grateful for the times I had in the army, though that is not to say that I want to throw myself into a camp again. I am thankful for what I have learned, the experiences that I have gained, and the friends that I have made along the way. If there is a single most powerful event that changed my outlook on life, that'd be it.

Yet, those weren't the things that went through my head when I tore the corners of that letter on that gloomy October afternoon. I was in a state of shock and fear, the kind that comes along when you are unsure of the unknown. As much as people would try to tell you about how life is like in the military, you never really know until you go through with it. I suppose the only thing that I would change if I have a chance would be to stop worrying so much, and just put my head down and deal with one thing at a time. I didn't realize the purpose of it all back then, but I was also much younger and more naive about things. It was impossible for my young mind to comprehend that even the worst events could be life-altering back then. If I have a chance, I'd probably go back and tell the younger version of myself that there really isn't much for me to worry about - because there wasn't. There were a lot of nasty things that happened in the next two years for me, but at least I've never actually been seriously harmed in any way shape or form. I've been through many things that people have seldom even heard about, and those are the things that really shaped me into the person that I am today.

There are only so many opportunities in one person's life to make a difference, I suppose, and traveling abroad to study is just one of those things that comes along. It is a totally different ball game now, something completely different from the military. Sure, you don't have a time to wake up and a time to go to sleep, and you certainly don't have a sergeant screaming down your throat just because you forgot to do a certain step when your round gets stuck in the chamber of your rifle. You don't have routines to follow, or at least not the stringent kind that is reinforced in the military. Yet, all the way over here, you are torn away from your family and friends, and forced to learn and adapt to a culture that you are alien to for the most part. No matter how much people would tell you that Singapore is a very westernized country, it is still not the same, you know. Nothing back home is going to prepare you for what is outside of your front door, as I'd like to put it. Everything outside of the comfort of your own home is a comfort that takes time to get used to, even if it is not too comfortable. I do not have meals prepared for me three times a day like I used to in the military, and I certainly miss the idea that I could go home every Friday and over the weekend just to meet my family and friends all over again.

Pros and cons, I suppose, a sense of balance to things. I've heard the saying before that you never want to get too comfortable in life, and in some ways I do believe in that. It is conflicting, in a way, especially when I do consider myself a creature of comfort, somebody who enjoys a certain continuity in his life that involves the same level of comfort and familiarity. Then again, once in a while, you start to wonder what is outside of your window, of your estate, of the borders of your country. At least that is what I thought about when I signed up to come over to Buffalo. I enjoy the convenience, but even that becomes boring after some time. Singapore is a well-organized country, with great infrastructure, with clean streets, with a well-planned public transport system, and pretty much everything that you'd possible want in a modern first-world city. Yet, I cannot help but realize that if I were to take a few people from Singapore and bring them to Buffalo, I'd not miss that country a great deal at all. Aside from the people, a small handful of them, there really isn't much in Singapore for me to hold on to, truth be told. That is not to say that I'd want to stay here forever, of course, because you can't just shift people around like they are pieces in a board game. However, I do wonder the possibilities and the implications.

Anyway, growing up is a terrifying thing. I think there is an age that you grow up to when you realize that it is no joke anymore. I know of friends older than myself, and I do sometimes wonder how they are taking it into stride, you know. Growing old doesn't necessarily mean growing up, and some people would consider the former to be a whole lot scarier. Perhaps the girls would think that way, but not so much to me. I suppose it is a guy thing to fear less about growing older, because they always say that men have a long expiry date as compared to women. At any rate, I feel that growing up is a much scarier process than growing old, simply because of the kind of decisions that you have to make in life, and the responsibilities that come along with it. This is the last year of college, and then the working life comes swiftly afterwards. Of course, I still have the option to go back to graduate school if I so wish, to take up a diploma or a minor somewhere else if I want to. There are opportunities for everybody in the country to further their studies somewhere, and such a route isn't exactly uncommon for the most part. Yet, being on the edge of something this major, it does become really daunting for the most part. Growing up is pretty damn scary, and I suppose that is just the eighteen year old inside of me speaking.

You know, the same eighteen year old who tore open that letter and got a fright of his life. The truth is that I don't think any of us should worry too much about how our lives will eventually turn out. Sure, it helps to have a plan of sorts to get you going, but having a plan doesn't mean that one should worry too much about whether it will pan out or not. I am not saying that we should just stay at home and blend into your couch and have roots sprouting from your butt anytime soon. What I am saying is that we don't always have to worry about everything in our lives, because life works itself out if you have a rough general direction in things. Worrying too much isn't going to get us anywhere, because you are just going to be running around in circles. I think I have learned enough in my own life, through the not-so-considerable amount of experiences, that all we have to do is to put our chins down to our chest and get through whatever that we need to get through. Step by step, bit by bit, and somehow it is going to work out anyway.

The mistake that I made before the life in the army started was to worry way too much about pretty much everything. I worried about my writing, my hobbies, my life, my relationship with people, and all of those things that came into my very limited brain capacity at once. I say, to just deal with what we have to deal right now and worry about other things later. Growing up is scary, but not so scary when you divide and conquer, you know? Besides, if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that if everybody else is in the same shit as you, then it isn't so scary anymore. Everybody is growing up, and everybody is growing old. Most of the people I know are the same age as I am, and there are people who are always around to help out if you need it. That is the kind of comfort that I have, at this point, knowing that people will always be watching out for me, one way or another.