In Continuum.

Deleted Post

I deleted a whole chunk of post right before this.I tried to get my thoughts out,get my feelings out,but i couldnt put them down in words.It's one of those strange days i guess,when nothing made sense and nothing poured out of my mind.I was trying desperately to get them all down on my blog,get it out of my skin so it's not going to threaten the life it belongs to.But i couldnt,just a blinking cursor and a blank screen,staring back at me as i sat before it in the dimly lid room of mine.

It was titled "Assumption: Hate" initially,but for some reason whatever i typed didnt seem fit.Valerie asked if i have any plans for Ahmad's birthday that is coming up.I said no,and she suggested perhaps she should treat the both of us to dinner some time."Both of us?" i asked,and she reminded me that my birthday was coming up.Yeah,she reminded me that MY birthday was coming.Oh,i thought then.That's right,that's right.I almost forgot.Or rather,i havent been giving much attention to it lately.Just,drifting with my thoughts,along with the current of it as it bears me hence.

Paragraphs after paragraphs were what i typed just now,just a flow of emotions coming right out then.It mightve been Rachael Yamagata again.Damn,i need some Wolfmother.Anyway,i hate myself for loving her.I love myself for hating her.I hate myself for hating her.I love myself for loving her.That didnt make sense,it doesnt make sense.Nothing makes any sense.Any,sense.

Just write me off like that.Sure,why not.Am i not merely the boxes on your calendar,with each passing day you strike one off with a big black cross?I had to assume then,when the tides turned overnight like the way it did,the way you stopped speaking to me,the way you didnt.I had to start guessing your feelings,your thoughts,your emotions and your feelings.I had to guess every single thing about you afterwards,making stupid assumptions and guessing implications of the most trivial things.The most trivial,of things.

I had to assume,that you hate me now.I had to,because i dont know how true that is.Does it make it easier,does it make it simpler for me to forget?Yes,and no.Right,and wrong.Contradiction rules.

Do you know what sort of detrimental effect such an assumption has on me as a person?It makes a failure,a fucking failure.Because the assumption of hate exists,and with that existence it only means nothing mattered.Nothing that i ever did mattered,nothing moved you,nothing struck a chord.And that makes me,a bloody loser because i hadnt done anything to change anybody,to change you,what i set out to do in the first place.I had to assume,i had to guess,and do you know how painful it is to do so?

You dont leave in the middle of the night like that.You dont stop talking in the middle of a friendship like that.You dont run away in somebody else's Chevolet like that.You dont disappear all of a sudden from one's life like that.Because...because you just dont,that's not the way it works.That's not the way anything works.You dont run away from such things,you dont leave everybody guessing your motive,your intentions.You dont.You just...dont.

Okay,strangely enough after deleting that previous entry i committed the same mistake.Sort of...typed without actually looking at what i typed.My fingers lost control,and emotions sort of took over then.How random of me,how unlike the usual self.I dont do this,i dont post such random thoughts,do i?

I've always held myself up,no problem.Take a deep breath,dust myself off and i am ready to.I dont consider myself the most mentally matured person in the world,or my age of course.But i guess in a way i am better off than a hell lot of people out there.Strangely enough,i am here feeling myself unravelling.This predicament upon me like rain over earth...

Okay,stop.Here,right now.You are being hysterical again.Here,fullstop.

Stop.