In Continuum.

21 Upon 25

One of my insomnia reasons,one of those thoughts that went through my head was a little conversation that i had with my Economics tutor back in JC,Mr. Teo.I remember it was early August,and it was late morning when he asked if he could talk to me about my results.I was reluctant then,never too willing to face up to reality,the fact that my results were plunging to historically uncharted territories of one's intelligence.Really,it was bad bad bad.

I finally agreed,after much persuading.We were outside the staff room,at the bunch of tables where students usually studied with their tutors.He asked me about my career choices,and what happened to my results and stuff.I told him i simply wasnt interested,and thought that JC was a complete mistake for me.It was,and still is a bloody mistake i dont seem to be able to mend.I mean,what can i possibly do now to change the fact that i made the wrong educational route?

I told him about what i want to do in life,my passion in writing and music.Geography,Economics and Maths really werent what i was interested in,or what i had a hang off.I blamed myself then,i told him.I blamed myself for choosing the wrong way,realising it only too late.He agreed with me,the fact that it was too late to make changes.I remember him telling me,that since there isnt anything you can do about the current situation,the i might as well make the best out of what i had and pull through the final hurdle.

I didnt really take that to heart,sad to say.I mean,i was hard-headed.Still am,and his words didnt get through to my brain at all.I hated Economics with a passion,the way every single question and result puts me down like a crowd mocking at my stupidity.I hate to do anything that puts me in that sort of situation,when i am place in disadvantage.I hate to feel stupid,to feel foolish,useless.And those were the exact feelings i had when i was in JC.Total uselessness.

After the talk,i remember a couple of weeks later we had this little mock test.It was held in the lecture hall i remember,and i just did what i studied there and then.I didnt give much thought to it,just wrote that essay that way i pictured it.Turned out,Mr. Teo gave me a 21/25 for that essay.Next to the red,bolded marks on the top right hand corner was a little note that read: See,you can make it if you want to!

Back then it was an encouraging thought,the way i was merely four marks short of a fullmark.I mean,when a teacher tell you something like that,give you that sort of a grade,it must be some sort of turning point in your educational life,right?I mean,this sort of result doesnt come for no reason at all.So i was encouraged,and motivated to actually work for something,though i didnt know exactly what i was working towards.But at least,i had a general direction back then.It didnt last me too long though,before i gave up once more.But hey,i was actually motivated.

Come to think of it one night,while i was tossing around on my bed in camp cursing the bloody fans above,i realised that Mr. Teo probably lied about my grades.I mean,he did give me 21/25 sure,but it was probably a fake.My essay probably wasnt that well written anyway.It was merely a fraud,a boost to my morale i guess.To fake a result and tell your student,"Look,you can do it if you try" kinda shit.Great trick Mr. Teo,great trick.However much i was fooled by your little trick back then,it worked.However short that spell worked on me,at least it was there.It was there,for a moment.

How sad,to think of oneself as an idiot.I admit,i am a complete Economics idiot.If you were to ask me to write an essay for GP right now,about the press freedom in Singapore,or the effects of World Cup has in our society i'd probably ace it,or at least do well in it.Economics,not so lucky.I was constantly at the back of the class in terms of my grades,and to think that my class was rather bad in that subject,you can imagine how bad my results were.

Back then i thought,"Hey,maybe i am good at this.I just didnt know it yet".Successfully fooled by Mr. Teo,i was tricked to think that perhaps some parts of me were rather perfect.Right now,i must admit.In terms of studying,i am a complete failure.Just like in so many other things,so many other things.

But at least i am proud of something else in my life.I dont need a 21/25 to boost my morales on these things,these things i pride myself in doing.Keeping this blog is one thing,i take pride in each entry that i type.Each word that i use in every sentence.Im not that blind,wistful kid back then anymore,getting a kick out of that stupid grade,that fake grade.Great trick Mr. Teo,but you are not going to fool me again.Ever.21 upon 25 my ass.