In Continuum.

A Certain Clarity

I worry I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted,
Only diamonds now remain

The sky wasnt even brightened yet,and there i was at the back of my parent's car,with my head rolling around in the backseat,mind faltering off into some uncharted territory of my mind,as 'Lightness' by Death Cab for Cutie went through my head.It was this morning after book out at 6.30am,after a little less than three hours of sleep,feeling the world spinning out of control under my feet and off the walls of my head.But even then,there was a certain sort of clarity that rang so clear around me,because right then i knew that the life that i knew for so long,is going to end right then,this morning upon a car down the highway back home.Because i know,that the next time i step back into camp,it's going to be a different story altogether,despite being so used to the life before.

So comes the end of ATEC Stage 2.Like i said before,it is sort of like the A levels in school,just that you dont go through this test with a pen and paper,but rather with rifles and your own pair of legs,a lot of will power and a hell lot of starvation.Those,im going to get into in detail in subsequent entries,but right now im a little light-headed to describe them in details.I mean,it is,after all,8.42am right now and im not in the right mindset to have any form of brain activity.But hey,i feel that with the morning light filtering through my plain white curtain,and the morning air smelling a little of the coming rain and burning ash,i thought i'd better get this clarity down somewhere,before it gets filled up again in the days to come.

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretending
That it somehow lingered on

I remember the first thing i did,when i got home from the two weeks confinement back last year,after the first days in BMTC.I came back to my room,took off my shoes and just laid on the floor and did nothing for a minute or two.It sounds dumb,but i guess i needed to have that feeling of,actually owning my room all over again.You know,to be somewhere,with your body against it,never to let it go,sort of thing.The coolness of it,as my cheeks lost heat to the ground,it was refreshing in a very odd way.

A friend of mine(Noticed how she's now 'A friend of mine',instead of just 'she' or 'her'),used to get on the ground all the time.You know,it's like the habit of talking to oneself.I bet the lot of you out there talk to yourself once in a while when nobody's looking,dont you?Yes,you do.Yes,you do.You dont need to be shy about it,because i think it's one of those very common...rare,habits.That sounded wrong in a very right way,but nevermind about that.

Anyway,we used to talk a lot.Not anymore,but i cherished/cherish the little moments that we had at that time.And i remember,vividly,that during one of our conversations when i asked what she was doing,she said she was just there on the floor of her room,doing nothing.Save for,of course,messaging me over the phone.Which struck me as rather dumb at first,but then i thought,"Im guilty of such a thing too,sometimes".She stopped replying after a while,and later told me that she actually fell asleep right then.I dont know which was funnier,the fact that she fell asleep on the floor or the fact that she was THERE in the first place.But what the hell,i laughed it off,and told her that she's the most intriguing person i have ever met,and still remains as so.

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't because it can't

I recall the days after i first watched Mission:Impossible in 1996.I was in Primary 4 if i am not wrong,and the scene when Ethan Hunt hangs onto the top of a speeding train as it barrels down a long tunnel between France and England,sort of got stuck to my mind for a long time.I was a fan of dumbass role-play,and i remember those days when i used to put myself on the ground and let the wind coming from the kitchen door blow my ass off,imagining myself as some top secret CIA or IMA agent,on a deadly mission to save the bloody world from terrorists.It's yet another embarrassing fact about the owner of this blog,but i have nothing to hide.Nothing.

I guess it all reminds me of this plain innocence that we once had,and when i came home today after the long week of ATEC outfield,i made myself comfortable on the ground once again.I guess it feels like smelling your old teddy bear all over again,or the way your drool stained pillow always smells better than anything in the world.That's the way it felt to me,like some fleeting moment of my childhood running away so fast.

Was there a second in time I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down?
Was anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I am here now?
And she is here now

The beauty of innocence,to me,is the clarity of everything.Because everything was so simple back then.Adulthood is like some sort of chemical waste,it pollutes what was virginal about our purity.I dont know,i guess there are pros and cons,good things that come with growing up.But i guess when the time comes,when it strikes,when you are on the floor soaking yourself with the clarity of the mind,you start to miss those days when you were a kid,so careless about the world and dumb,in a very beautiful way.

I just read The Catcher in the Rye by J.D.Salinger,and it was a great book of leaving the innocence behind.Im not too sure why this book is on the ban list of so many countries,but i thought it was a great reminder of where we were,when we first started out as babies.The main character,Holden,is a sort of cynical bastard we see in our lives.The way they criticise about everything around them,everything being 'phonies' and everybody being 'hypocrities' and stuff.But when it comes to children,like his sister Phoebe,he sees so much beauty in that purity,that clarity in her he changes towards the end of the book.I loved the way Holdren reminds me of myself,so mixed and screwed up in reality that i forgot what i had for so long when i was a kid.

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much secret in the month of June
How 'bout you?

So there i was,on the ground on my room,with my eyes closed and white shadows on the light casted all over me.And right then,this clarity washed over me with a wave of surging sensations.It wasnt the lightness of my head then for sure,but really the clarity of the mind,when a phase of my life is about to end,when you do your spring cleaning and you look at your emptied room and give out that sigh of relief.That's what i felt that,a certain clarity.

And I will waste no time
Worried 'bout the rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together