In Continuum.

Your Immaturity

The glove compartment is inaccurately named,
And everybody knows it...
So i'm proposing a swift orderly change...

I think there are so many misconceptions about the things that come with age,or the things that go with age.As fleeting as it seems,as daunting as the aging of one might be,i think there are things that we gain from it,and these things are sort of the consolation of...taking a step closer to death,perhaps.I dont know how this thought came into being in the first place,but i remember an immense amount of frustration,and that eventually led to the thought,and the conclusion,that there are things that,though usually associated with aging,don't in most cases.

Take common sense for example.They call it "Common" sense,only because they are facts,or logical things people are expected to know.For example,an apple is to be shared between four people,you slice it up into four pieces.Common sense.That is the simplest example of common sense of course,but there are just some corners people can never get around until somebody whacks their heads with a sledge hammer.The truth is,common sense in truth,is not that common after all.And people do expect it to grow in you as age progesses,as life goes on.But that is not the truth,because i have seen,myself,that that is not the case at all.There are people still as dumb,still as stiff,still as inflexible as before.That i shant go into detail,but that is merely an example of the misconceptions that come with age.

I was thinking about partners on one rainy morning this week.I bet it mustve been the rain,making the shower so damn cold that very night.I tried keeping my mind of the cold by concentrating on something else,and i found myself talking out loud as goosebumps grew all over.

Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life...

I used to think that people shouldnt set any form of standards for their partners before they actually meet them.Like,they got to be THIS rich,they got to have THIS length of hair,they got to be THIS way to me and my parents and they go like THIS,or else they are off the list of men or women,like any other trash i abandoned in the bin.Because i think by the time you are finished with the list,satisfied and all,you look around wondering why the world is suddenly so empty and silent.Because you just wrote off the half the world's populatin of the opposite sex.Because by setting these standards you are merely restricting yourself instead of anybody else.

I used to think that,and was a firm believer of that.So when i go out judging people,not just partners,o set my mind blank in a way.I erase any first impressions or judgements that i might have of somebody,no standards to meet whatsoever.To recieve this person in his or her entirety and just accept the person for who he or she is.But i discovered that that doesnt work in so many cases,especially cases involving the following character.

Immaturity really isnt something i can overlook just like that.It is not something i can say one day,that i am going to write that off my list and DO IT,because it is such an important aspect of somebody's personality that i cannot possibly ignore or deny.It's like a sore thumb,and it sticks out that way,attracting everybody's attention whether they like it or not.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head

It is unlike childishness,per se.There is a vast difference between immaturity and childishness which not many people might have noticed.I take my sister for example.I think she is childish,or young at heart if i must be terribly kind with words tonight.She comes into my room and asks if she can punch me,or if she can bite me on the arm,or asks if she can talk to me about anything at all.Im not sure what to say to those sometimes,especially if she just lunges forward and take that bite off my arm and runs away screaming her head off.I dont find that,in any way,immature.She's more childish than immature.I think immaturity is really,the way you deal with things in life,the way you handle the problems at hand,the way you present yourself to the rest of the world,that really makes up the maturity of oneself.

I understand that,the way things have turned out,is in some ways,inevitable.But that is only on your part,i am quite sure.Because throughout this,journey of ours,i have always been the one making the most effort.Sure,you made the effort to draw that portrait of mine.That meant a lot to me sure,but right now with so little done on your part,it doesnt mean anything anymore.We are both to blame,arent we?The way everything is in this mess,this horrible ugly wreckage that cannot be repaired.We both had a hand in the destruction of it all,but the effort of trying,to rebuild this lost paradise,has always been me.Me,the person behind this all and never you.Never,ever.

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been...

And the only reason that i came up with,for your stubborn ways in the dealing of the wreckage,is the immaturity to the situation between us.I know things are in the stage,where it cannot be repaired.The wind is blowing so strong that we can barely stand.The fire is raging and we can barely take the head against our faces.The earth is crumbling under our feet so fast we can barely balance ourselves.And we are falling,falling into this abyss that leads to nowhere but the death of us both,the death of all that is left between us and everything that couldve,wouldve and shouldve been.

When the shit hits the fan,some people run and some people stay.I know the shit has been thrown,and now i am here facing it right in the face.I know there is nothing i can do about it,so let's deal with the problem.But not you.You are running away,like so many other things you do in life.Running away doesnt solve anything now does it?You merley stove them away deep down,and such things never stay beneath long enough for comfort.They always surface,and when that day comes what are you going to do,then?Are you going to run away all over again like you always do?

I think your immaturity totally turned me off,and it is a gap that is never going to be filled,no matter how much i force myself to do so with my infatuation.It is not going to work like that,because unlike cement,it is not going to harden.It stays that way,and before you know it everything crumbles.I think,that your immaturity is causing the death of us both,digging the grave for us so that we can both lie peacefully inside,with roses in our hands.But that is you,that is only you.I am being devoured by worms here,eaten by bugs and here i am screaming through the boards of my coffin just yelling to the world that i am alive,that i want to be alive still.But you dont even try,you stay the same,and you ran away.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night...

So comes the end of our relationship,officially.Im not saying that i am in any way,so damn matured or whatever.It is not a claim that i can uphold myself like that.It is not something i am in the right position or right to proclaim.But isnt it true,that whatever you did,or did not do,caused whatever that happened?The way things are right now?I dont want,or dont like to point fingers the way i am doing now.But it was you,it really was you,that caused the fading of us both.

I used to think that it is something i can overlook,that i can close one eye about.But it is not the case.I guess in so many ways,i was,myself,immature about so many things.I am still learning,i am still constantly re-investing in myself.But you are running away all the time,but staying in the same spot altogether.How did it come to this,really?How did it,end the way it is going to at the end of this very entry?I know i am going to miss you,and i know that i am going to miss missing you.But if that is the way it is going to be,then that is the way it is going to be.I am not going to be the victim of your immaturity,and i am going to breakthrough this wreckage and take my own steps down the countryside,down to the next town where everything will start anew for me.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night...