Four Thirty Seven
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Four Thirty Seven
"There is something about driving on the road at 4am in the morning,listening to Groove Armada",said my mother once while we were stuck in a sort of traffic jam.Because of my father's odd flight timings at times,she drives to the airport to pick him up during the wee-hours of the morning.And when that happens,she tells me,that it is a great feeling to be driving on the road with no cars whatsoever,and it's just you,the road,and the wind that is blowing against your windscreen.
I dont remember going home so late before.Driving down CTE at 4am this morning was quite an interesting experience,as we sped through the tunnels and the expressway with nothing ahead of us,nor drivers flashing the headlights of their cars asking you to drive faster.It was a liberating experience to say the least,and with John Mayer's Continuum softly playing in the background,Ahmad and I found our way home soon after from Samantha's home all the way in Boon Lay.
The dogs stopped barking,and the cars started to disappearing.The air was heavy around our shoulders,or was it the silence that was weighing us down?In the void deck under Samantha's house our footsteps echoed around the walls,and we half expected some thug to jump out from behind one of those pillars and threaten us for cash at knife-point.It was just quiet in a very creepy way,and i found myself desperately wanting to get into the car at the carpark,for some unknown and strange reason.I've never felt that before,which was rather strange.
When you have just finished a movie marathon with your friends and a long chat with each other,and you are high on Coke and punch,and it is 4am in the morning,the last thing you want is to grow a conscience while driving down the road.The both of us started blabbering things about our lives,and the odd thing is that i cannot remember half the stuff we talked over.It mustve been the time,but i guess in a way the words just flowed so subconsciously we just allowed them to do so,like the time when Ahmad placed his hands behind his head,and let the car go on on it's on down the road.Whatever we talked about though,i remember cursing about it in the lift up to my home,and staying up till 6am in the morning thinking about it over and over.
On the dashboard there was a clock that flashed,and in the darkness of the car at that hour of the morning it was especially prominent.4.37am,i mustve been crazy i thought to myself.The air-conditioning was way too cold,and that mustve been why i couldnt messaging Ahmad's mother and friend properly while he was driving.He was driving buy her campus then,and he just wanted to drop a message to say that he was close to her.You know,all that cheesy ass jazz.
But don't we all love those cheesy-ass-jazz?We are all guilty of it,cheap thrills and guilty pleasures.We dont publically announce our love for those little messages,but deep inside you know that you crave for such things.It's a matter of desire that differentiates you and me,and i can safely say that i am living okay,without random message from friends,at 5am in the morning just to wake you up from your comfortable sleep.
"At least you have somebody to message that kinda shit to",i remember saying."I dont even have those,and even if i do have she's probably going to ignore it,or reply the coldest reply in the world." I mustve sounded like i was sulking,but i guess in a way at 4am when you are high on Coke,anything goes.
"Are you ready to go into a relationship,knowing that she might be in it with you just because she wants to 'test it out'?Are you ready to be in a relationship with her,knowing full well that she is unsure about her feelings,and that the both of you are just subjects in this...test?"
That was what i said,at some point of the journey back home.And i think it made some senseless sense,even if it meant that i was a little out of my wits then.It didnt matter i guess,if they sounded like random blabbering at that time,or even now.It felt like this splinter in my finger that i wanted out,and to throw that splinter at some poor victim close at hand.Sorry Ahmad,but you were in the vicinity.
I opened the car door beneath my block,and i remember stumbling out like a drunkard but not nearly as pathetic.Perhaps i was just tired,i thought."Good evening..." i said,and closed the car door.This time,with the right strength,and recieved a thumbs-up through the window.
I think i know what i was thinking at 4.37 then.I think i know who i was thinking about at that time.But i guess,i didnt want it to get to me,because i know at that kind of hour,even the strongest man is the most vulnerable.So i allowed the insomnia to swallow me in,and there in bed i laid until the sky turned a little blue in the East,and the air-conditioning made a constant buzzing sound.
"There is something about driving on the road at 4am in the morning,listening to Groove Armada",said my mother once while we were stuck in a sort of traffic jam.Because of my father's odd flight timings at times,she drives to the airport to pick him up during the wee-hours of the morning.And when that happens,she tells me,that it is a great feeling to be driving on the road with no cars whatsoever,and it's just you,the road,and the wind that is blowing against your windscreen.
I dont remember going home so late before.Driving down CTE at 4am this morning was quite an interesting experience,as we sped through the tunnels and the expressway with nothing ahead of us,nor drivers flashing the headlights of their cars asking you to drive faster.It was a liberating experience to say the least,and with John Mayer's Continuum softly playing in the background,Ahmad and I found our way home soon after from Samantha's home all the way in Boon Lay.
The dogs stopped barking,and the cars started to disappearing.The air was heavy around our shoulders,or was it the silence that was weighing us down?In the void deck under Samantha's house our footsteps echoed around the walls,and we half expected some thug to jump out from behind one of those pillars and threaten us for cash at knife-point.It was just quiet in a very creepy way,and i found myself desperately wanting to get into the car at the carpark,for some unknown and strange reason.I've never felt that before,which was rather strange.
When you have just finished a movie marathon with your friends and a long chat with each other,and you are high on Coke and punch,and it is 4am in the morning,the last thing you want is to grow a conscience while driving down the road.The both of us started blabbering things about our lives,and the odd thing is that i cannot remember half the stuff we talked over.It mustve been the time,but i guess in a way the words just flowed so subconsciously we just allowed them to do so,like the time when Ahmad placed his hands behind his head,and let the car go on on it's on down the road.Whatever we talked about though,i remember cursing about it in the lift up to my home,and staying up till 6am in the morning thinking about it over and over.
On the dashboard there was a clock that flashed,and in the darkness of the car at that hour of the morning it was especially prominent.4.37am,i mustve been crazy i thought to myself.The air-conditioning was way too cold,and that mustve been why i couldnt messaging Ahmad's mother and friend properly while he was driving.He was driving buy her campus then,and he just wanted to drop a message to say that he was close to her.You know,all that cheesy ass jazz.
But don't we all love those cheesy-ass-jazz?We are all guilty of it,cheap thrills and guilty pleasures.We dont publically announce our love for those little messages,but deep inside you know that you crave for such things.It's a matter of desire that differentiates you and me,and i can safely say that i am living okay,without random message from friends,at 5am in the morning just to wake you up from your comfortable sleep.
"At least you have somebody to message that kinda shit to",i remember saying."I dont even have those,and even if i do have she's probably going to ignore it,or reply the coldest reply in the world." I mustve sounded like i was sulking,but i guess in a way at 4am when you are high on Coke,anything goes.
"Are you ready to go into a relationship,knowing that she might be in it with you just because she wants to 'test it out'?Are you ready to be in a relationship with her,knowing full well that she is unsure about her feelings,and that the both of you are just subjects in this...test?"
That was what i said,at some point of the journey back home.And i think it made some senseless sense,even if it meant that i was a little out of my wits then.It didnt matter i guess,if they sounded like random blabbering at that time,or even now.It felt like this splinter in my finger that i wanted out,and to throw that splinter at some poor victim close at hand.Sorry Ahmad,but you were in the vicinity.
I opened the car door beneath my block,and i remember stumbling out like a drunkard but not nearly as pathetic.Perhaps i was just tired,i thought."Good evening..." i said,and closed the car door.This time,with the right strength,and recieved a thumbs-up through the window.
I think i know what i was thinking at 4.37 then.I think i know who i was thinking about at that time.But i guess,i didnt want it to get to me,because i know at that kind of hour,even the strongest man is the most vulnerable.So i allowed the insomnia to swallow me in,and there in bed i laid until the sky turned a little blue in the East,and the air-conditioning made a constant buzzing sound.
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