In Continuum.

Cocoon

co‧coon  /kəˈkun/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuh-koon] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1.The silky envelope spun by the larvae of many insects, as silkworms, serving as a covering while they are in the pupal stage.
2.Any of various similar protective coverings in nature, as the silky case in which certain spiders enclose their eggs.
3.A protective covering, usually consisting of polyvinyl chloride, sprayed over machinery, large guns on board ships, etc., to provide an airtight seal and prevent rust during long periods of storage.
4.Any encompassingly protective or hermetic wrapping or enclosure resembling a cocoon: a cocoon of gauze.

--- www.dictionary.com

*

It must be the fan of this new bunk.I dont remember it being as cold as the one below on the second floor.Or perhaps it is the weather turning colder nowadays.Who knows?The Singaporean Winter for you,nothing more than afternoon showers followed by chilly nights,even in the comfort of your blankets and pillow.Ever since i moved to this new bunk,i havent had a good night sleep for a long time.I've been spinning cocoons on my own at night,wrapping the blanket - though the word 'blanket' hardly fits - all around my body and over my head,not allowing the cold wind from the fan to enter the comfort of my private space within this cocoon.I try desperately each night to block out the chill,the coldness that surrounds me,and even though i've turned the power down,i still feel the cold,i still feel the chill especially late at night and early in the mornings.Or,is it the weather at all?

*

The sky was still in a pale shade of blue,not dominated by the dull yellow light from the streetlamps that lined the street.Nights Off night,everybody was excited.For some reason this privileage of ours has become something rather sorted after by the men,every evening when the Routine Orders gets printed in the office.People would flock to the piece of paper,slotted in a plastic folder on a green notice board,and see if there is a Nights Off.People cheer when there is,and jeer when there isnt.But to me,i dont see much of a difference,i stay in most of the time.I venture out only when i am desperate for some outside food and perhaps - even for that little while - a breath of fresh air.

Wednesday night was no different,as we left the gates of our camp and discussed where we wanted to go.There were five of us,with four of them in a group at the front while i followed quietly in the back.Was i feeling moody,emotional or depressed?You couldve came to those obvious conclusions if you looked at me then,but i wasnt feeling those.I just felt detached and isolated,in a very odd and voluntary way i must say.The group chattered,laughed and then chattered somemore.I felt a sudden urge to detach myself from them,from the world and then dash off the bus into the nearest place where nobody knows me,where everybody is anonymous to one another.

A wave of dizziness swept across me,the scenary outside blurred.I felt drowsy,but not intoxicated.The world spunned,the bus bounced.The people's faces twisted,the sounds drowning in my ears.I had my head to the seat before me,feeling the constant vibration of the vehicle's engines.Drowning,drowning as my body vibrated with the rest of the bus,vibrating,mundane vibrations.

They talked somemore when we got off the bus,and talked somemore when we ordered Subway sandwiches.They talked somemore when we visited a comic shop,and they talked somemore when we bought food back to the poor souls in camp.They talked,and i felt more and more detached.It was the desperate call out to myself,the loner inside of me who screaming out at me,reminding me of his existence.And i acknowledged it,by calling back out into the distance of my mind with a silence known to the rest of the group.I'm sure they noticed,as Kenneth smiled and asked me why i was looking as if i had a terrible week,when all they've been talking about was the picture of my hand in anothers' in my handphone wallpaper.

'I'm just tired,' i told him,and he accepted that excuse.But was I really,as i laid in bed that night thinking about whatever that happened during the Night Off.The lights went off,the sound of the fans dominated that night.The fumbling of bedsheets from the other side of the bunk quietened down,the rufflings of the blankets were gone.Leaving behind the soft snoring of my friends,and then the screaming coming from the inside of the blanket.I was imitating an act of a ventriloquist,with an invisible wooden doll and me,mouthing his scream with nothing coming out loud.I felt myself clawing at my chest,tearing my skin off but not truly knowing why i was feeling like that,in the darkness of my cocoon,and the only light coming from the light of my handphone,coming on and going off with every incoming and outgoing messages.

*

That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

*

Flag days,i never figured out why they called those Flag Days.Where were the flags,i wondered.Or were the stickers stuck to the edges of the metal can,flags?Why not Sticker Day?Why Flag Day?

But anyway,i remember a particular flag day when i was still in school.With the overpowering population of females in my class,it was easy to get lost in rather feminine conversational topics.I remember sitting in class one day when a particularly fat classmate of mine - a guy - walked past the table,and a girl from the group commented that he actually had bigger breasts than she did.I mean,i am totally fine with them talking about it in front of me,but it is not exactly the kind of stuff you would say in the presence of a male classmate,right?At least leave the comment to later,and take those hands off your breasts right this minute.

I remember that day,it was a warm and humid Singaporean summer.The lot of us did the flag day together,and took refuge in the comfort of the air-conditioned Takashimaya after merely an hour of money-begging from the passerbys.The center of the Takashimaya basement where they usually have exhibitions and sales,was having a sort of exhibition from Disney,and they were selling all kinds of Disney related toys,clothes,shoes and stuff there,and between those swarms of people moving against and along each other,rubbing shoulders and rummaging through the little hills of clothes.The girls were so excited i remember,and with the bag of metal cans in my hand,i followed the group of them as they proceeded down into the crowd.

There was a section full of women lingerie there,and because everything was Disney related,the lingerie had Mickey Mouse,Donald Duck and Goofy printed on them.They were really for children,but those eighteen year old classmates of mine were terribly excited over all their finds.The best of all,the price were ridiculously low,and they were putting the bras and the panties up into the air towards the light,screaming in excitement at just how cute they were,with the price tag running a little under ten dollars each.Just picture that,times that single image by about ten,and then image those girls circled around a pile of female under-garments,running their hands and fingers through multi-coloured lingerie and then exclaiming in joy about just how cute they might look in them.

The guys,or the two of us standing outside the circle,were dumbfounded.

'Are you okay?' one of them asked.

'Sure,' I replied. 'I'm just upset that they dont sell cute Disney boxer shorts.'

The rest of the day,pulling the plastic bag full of their donation cans around,i kept quiet all along.I remember making up fake phone conversations as they shopped in Zara,what a goon i was back then in the nameless crowd,talking to no one on the other side of the line.I was a ventriloquist,the only ventriloquist in the crowd,mouthing the words to an invisible puppet.

The loner crept out of a hole in my head,folded me up into a 5x5 piece of square paper and ate me up.He retreated into a corner of the shopping mall,with that paperbag full of donation cans still in his hands,and as the world went past him,he sat quietly in the dark corner and started spinning a web.It started from his feet and slowly,it went upwards towards his head.It was green silk,growing thicker and thicker,and around in circles around his body until he was covered in whole.Nobody saw him,nobody knew.Because behind the green silk cocoon,he disappeared completely and vanished.Vanished from the world,the lonely ventriloquist.

*

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

*

The green blanket was pressing on my head now,the world outside disappearing into the night.Or was i disappearing instead,from the world i've grown to know?I had no idea,for the medium within the cocoon was not of the same one in reality,the rest of the bunk.I was successful,the cocoon was done.I detached myself from the rest of the world,everything was falling into place.I'm not sure if an evolution is going to be involved in this cocoon of mine,but i know inside of this cocoon meant safety,it meant serenity.I shut myself in that cocoon the whole night,as the clock ticked away and my thoughts went for a run into the wild.

A sudden disturbance,a vibration in the cocoon.I awoke,a light in the corner of my comfort zone shone.It was a light,a light from my handphone.A message came,part of a conversation i almost forgot i was having.It was getting late,i was having a rough day.My hand crept over,the button was pressed.The message read,a smile was spread.

The ventriloquist mouthed a silent prayer,a prayer of blessing.The invisible doll appeared,a doll he never knew existed.Inside the cocoon they talked for a while,finally not with himself but with each other.The doll materialized into a human girl,sitting at the back of his head,conversing with him deep into the night.Inside the cocoon this happened,while the rest of the world carried on,careless and ignorant.It was safe,i thought.It was safe in this green cocoon of mine,this comfort zone.This serenity...

That was how I;That was how we,disappeared completely.

*

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here


*

'I think i had better sleep now.I've had a rough night.'
'Wish I'm there to kiss you goodnight.'
'Save that for Saturday,save that for me?'
'Only for you.Just you,and you can claim it anytime...'

*

Goodnight.
Goodnight.