In Continuum.

Between the Sky & You

I swear,ia m growing moulds in my joints,but for some strange and sick reason i am loving the weather like that.I remember those days with the long straw bench in the balcony,when i used to grab my blanket and sleep on the cushion while the rain falls hard all around the rest of the world around.But of course,with the kind of rain i am experiencing now in the night sky now,it is almost impossible to attempt that sort of stupidity.Well,it was a kind of sweet stupidity back then,but doing it in this sort of down pour has no sweetness involved at all.It is just plain stupid,and that's the end of the story.

So it hasnt been raining this heavily for a very long time.Perhaps ever since those early days of NS two years ago.But anyway,the question came to my mind as to if i prefer to walk in the rain under an umbrella,or just in the rain in naught but your shirt and skin.Looking out into the darkening skies and the rain,the answer is of course obvious.But it is not like it'd make a difference,with the slanted rain spashing in from every direction possible,and the flooded pavements reaching halfway up your ankles.The good old NS outfield days reenacted,great.

I hope it remains like that for a while,though it is probably not going to.I know that during my Malaysian trips i made a lot of plans to meet up with friends,to catch up and have a Christmas dinner.But for some reason the weather is prompting me to stay indoors,and i have half the mind to follow suit.Sure i want to meet up with my friends,and at the same time enjoy the remaining days in Singapore before i leave for Taiwan after Christmas.But just look at the weather outside,and tell me you want to go out into that kind of world in a nice holiday shirt.Seriously,i will think twice if i were you.And no,you will never catch me in town with my shorts and slippers.No way.

I must say for the millionth time,that i love watching movies in bed with her.The depression in the bed,the warmth on the left side of my body and of course,the ones that she leaves.Especially today though,because it kept on raining the whole day.The rain is the best lamp shade when the sun is acting as the light bulb.Everything has a different tone or feel to it,and in my room with the movie playing on the computer and her on my side,everything was just so tragically beautiful.I swear,if a poet saw the both of us in the soft glow of my room this afternoon,he wouldve wept and made a poem out of the image.It was that beautiful,i swear.

I was walking out of my estate with her in my arms today.It kept on raining,and i held her close to me because the umbrella wasnt too big and her bag was protruding.The smell of her hair as i held her close filled my nostrils,and we had to shout to one another over the sound of the thunderous rain falling from the sky all around.It was crazy,the way everywhere was literally flooded.We tried jumping over puddles and mini-ponds.But the great big ones got in our way,and we had not much of a choice but to get our feet wet.But the dinner at the hawker centre down at the HDB block was great,with the chicken rice and the Dim Sum.Amazing food i have around my house and right under my nose.I actually missed it!How ignorant of me.

*

You havent cried that hard in days i thought.Not with me for a long time.It wasnt because of the movie,or the movie afterwards.I dont think it was the weather that induced those tears,the way they fell scared me really.It was completely dark in my room i remember,and i could make our your silhouette against the back of my bed.Your face was there,and we kissed in the dark.But i tasted something salty,something foreign.'Are you crying?' i quietly asked,and you kept silent and shunned away.I knew,and said no more.

In the dim glow of the yellow lamp in my room,your hair was spread all over my pillow.Your body felt cool against mine,and there was an unspoken fear in the air.Your thoughts were escaping through the fissures in your head,and was boucing around the walls of my room and screaming above the sound of rain against the window sill.I held you tight in my arms,and tried to squeeze the fear and sadness out of you.But i felt your tears falling harder on my shoulders,running down my skin and then disappearing in the fabric.I felt your heart against mine,and then the sobbings getting harder and harder.I wasnt sure what you were afraid of,but i know that at that very moment as you broke down within yourself,i broke down,too.

I have already told you what i have to say.Even the talk i had with my mother only hours ago.Like i told you,there are so many things about us that i cannot promise,and i would rather not promise so as to prevent empty promises being made in the future.I cannot promise you that our relationship will last till the end of time,till death do us part.I cannot promise that with the change of our environment - when you go to work and then school,while i attend college - things are going to remain the same.I cannot guarantee you that i will not fall for another girl and think that our relationship was in any way,fabricated or untrue.And vice versa too,the same as you cannot promise anything in return.But i understand,and know that as a fact,that i can only promise the effort that i can put in to actually make that happen.

Sure,you are going to go your way and i am going to go mine.You are going to start work in January,and then of course there is the school aspect we both have to consider.You are going to meet more people and experience a lot of things in life your previously never encountered.Things are going to be realised between one another we never noticed before the change of circumstances.Because really,the environment changes us as a person,and who knows if we are going to like each other in the days to come?I cannot promise you that i will,but i can tell you now that i am flexible,that i can change.

I told my mother that instead of seeing the change in the environment as a definite end to a relationship,we should see it as a test for the parnter and self.It is an obstacle life sets for us,and we have to find means and ways to get above or around it be adapting.I think a successful relationship has to have the ability to overcome these obstacles to adapting to one another,to adapt the surroundings and be flexible,so as to get used to the changes the partner might have,or you might have.And i think the main thing a couple has to do is to respect one anothe.Like my mother said,respecting your partner is to respect yourself.That is the truth everybody seeks,remember that.

There is no word in any dictionary to define what is between right and wrong.Right and wrong are two words on the opposite sides of the poles.There is nothing in between to say that 'It was not right,but it was not wrong either'.It is a grey area in between,with everything blurry and vague.But you just have to understand,that the past is the past.Like Celine said,memories are beautiful things if you dont have to deal with the past.You dealt with them your own ways,you paid your debts.You had the emotional trauma thrown upon you,the silent finger-pointings and of course so many other things i am reuctant to mention now.You paid it with your dear life,you paid it with gallons of tears fell on the cold hard floor of your room and on my shirt.Remember those,and that you paid up.You dont have to deal with the past anymore,you really dont have to.

It was a right thing for you to do,nor was it wrong.It is a class of its own,and it is not something you can have a definite answer about.Was it right?Not really.But was it wrong?No,either.All i can say that it was a deal about respect,and it was a respect to self that you didnt have while in that messed up part of your life.By knowing the consequences and still hurting yourself,by ignoring the possibilities of protecting yourself and prevent something from happening is a disrespect to yourself.But was it right?I hate the fact that there isnt a term to describe the feeling of being in the middle of right and wrong.I dont think there is a point in between though,but a path that leads out to the question of whether it was respectful of yourself or not.

*

I walked home alone in the rain under the umbrella.Thoughts spunned through my mind like a merry-go-round.Just thoughts,thoughts hitting the front of oncoming cars and were gone.The heartbreak in your eyes,and then the heart shattering within my chest.It broke my heart when you sobbed in my arms.Even there,you couldnt stop your tears from falling,and i felt as if i couldnt do anything else,and a little helpless then.All i could do was to give you that stupid smile of mine,and kept asking you if you were okay after telling you my thoughts,which didnt mean anything to me all of a sudden.I kept telling myself that i needed to do something,anything.But what could i offer other than my words?I dont know what you saw and see in me my love,and i still dont.Perhaps in the days to come,but for now everytime you cry,i feel in a way,that i am back at square one again.I can never remove that thought from your head,those doubts and the traumas.I wish at times that you never met Mr. M,that after Superhero you came to me straight.In that way,you wouldnt have had that kind of...well,shit.It is a hard road to fix you,but i am walking upon the rocky surface with you,and you know that.You know that,right?I dont know which part of me you saw that attracted you,or which aspect of my hands you found to be comforting to hold.I really dont know,i dont know at all.But what i do know...what i am sure of is what i whispered in your ears before you got onto the bus and left into the raging storm.

I love you,i really do.

And like the reason why you love me in return,i dont know why.I dont know why at all.But i am smiling,smiling clueless.Are you seeing my stupid smile?Are you?

Smile,you are fine.You are together,you are fine.

*

Between the sky and you
There was a fight between the both of you
As to who can cry the most,who can break into
More pieces of hearts,hearts that turned softly blue

The sky had an edge,it rained as hard as it could
It even rained more than it probably should
But in a dry room,with a bright yellow gloom
Only the tears you fell could blow my heart's balloons...