In Continuum.

The End

8.49am,the beginning of the end.The polo shirt and the pants laid on the side of the bed,the morning light pouring through the plain white curtain of my room,while i stretched and got prepared for the big day.Two years ago,and it mustve been about the same time as well.I remember waking up to a similar morning almost two years ago as well,staring out the window at the view i thought i might never recognise in a couple of months' time.The bags were packed,the farewells were said.The car ride to the bus terminal was long and dreadful,as i stared out of the window thinking about the past,the present and most of all,the frightful future.I remember the previous night online,my last night then.I was online,and a thought came into my head suddenly to drop a message to somebody,somebody i dont even know very well.

It was a random message,and it was out of the blues really.What made me do it,i have no idea.It didnt even make sense on the way to the terminal,with my parents in the front seat and the enlistment letter in my hand,vibrating to the car engine.Oh wait,it was the trembling on my hands,fearing the life before me and perhaps the termination of it as well.I was certain that i was going to be killed in the army,the new phase of my life was going to consume it whole,swallow me up and spit me out as a totally different person.I was afraid,and i was scared for myself,that i might not recognise myself aside from the shaved head and the tanned skin.And amidst the bugging thoughts was the one true sentence i said the previous night,that was perhaps both comforting and melancholic all at once.Come to think about it,im glad that i said that and the fact that it came true.Because it did,it really did,in the most beautiful and miraculous way.

"Wish i had known you better..."

*

The walk towards the main gate of my camp was a strange one.I dont usually carry such a small bag to camp,but this morning i was.Inside was a couple of folded paper,mainly my clearance forms,commanders' survey and FFI certs.The sun was blazing hot against the back of my neck when the guard at the gate allowed me to enter."Pass?" he asked,and i told him for the first time to anybody,that i was going to ORD."I'm back to take my IC",i added.And it felt good,really good.

The red tiles beneath my feet,the grassy smell of the soccer field on my right,as the wind passed over the blades of grass and across the road.The company line loomed into sight,the empty corridors and the parking lots,screamed back at me memory of the first day in Keat Hong Camp,when everything was still spanking new and dirt free.I remember being impressed,and i remember being comforted for just that little while,that i was an AI Trooper.That didnt last for very long,and i remember in the weeks to come,dreading my vocation like the flies dread Baygon.

The company line was quiet,and i almost expected rows of my fellow friends along the corridors,shouting vulgarities and then jeering jokingly at us,the bunch of lucky bastards leaving the army for good this time.I remember picturing to myself,so many days and nights in the past two years,about this very day.Rolls of toilet paper flying through the air,people being stripped and thrown into the pond while others were tossed into the air and then poled.Yeah,it was a rather horrific sight but for some reason,i pictured all the victims smiling happily.It mustve been the sadistic side of me taking hold,but that didnt come true today.No orchestra music in the background,no tears of joy or that of pain.Just the serenity of the company line welcoming me,with JunLek in the corner smoking on a cigarette and waving goodbye at me for the last time.

So the last of the signatures were signed,the clearance form finally finished.The bedsheets were folded for the last time,still smelling of old sweat and mould.The rubbish remained uncleared,the bowl of noodle i had the night before still laid on its side along the corridor.I forsee an area cleaning to come,back not myself involved in it at all,finally.I was glad,despite it being a little evil and unright,that people are going to work and toil without me around,and legally so this time.It felt good,and it felt great.And though i never was properly recognised for my silent efforts,the fact that everything was going to end today,it didnt matter anymore.

The door opened,and i entered.OC sat at the desk and sorted out the pink ICs.He handed me a form to sign,when he himself checked through my documents,ready to bid me farewell."Where are you?" he asked,as he flipped through the cards trying to recognise me with the photograph instead of the name.When he found me,he commented that i look drastically different now."Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" i asked."It's a half full,half empty question",answered Jonathan from behind.OC just smiled.

The feeling of the card,an old friend.The day i gave them my card still remained vivid in my mind.My name was called,and the wallet was flipped open.I gave the guy my card,whoever he is i cannot remember.That was the last time i saw my pink friend,and i almost forgot about the picture i had on the IC until today.It felt great to have him in my hands again,and the texture of it still remained the same.Everything was,and the parting and meeting of this old friend - the time in between - almost seemed unreal.It was surreal then,kissing the card with my lips and then sliding it into the compartment in my wallet.Back to where it came from so many days and months ago,back home and life.Cheers,to all the days in between us,good friend of mine.

So with a firm handshake and the words "It has been fun",i waved goodbye to my OC and friends.I lingered around still,a little unwilling to go.But it was getting late,and nobody was leaving at all.They were heavy steps i took,but i took them anyway.The morning breeze surfed through the parade square.The echos of the parades we had resonating around the empty company lines.I imagined rows after rows of soldiers bidding me farewell,wishing me good luck.The fleeting of the life i got to know so well before my eyes,and instead of that sudden rush of adrenaline to dash out of the camp,or the surge of elation through my veins,it was replaced by the feeling of emptiness,a certain hollow in my heart.Where am i going to go?How is my life going to be lived?Questions after questions,the ones you ask yourself when you are skipping from one phase of your life into another,not knowing where you are stepping and if the foothold is strong,into uncharted territory and into the frightful unknown...

But it didnt matter,not then.It was my time,my time to celebrate.The guards at the gate refused to let me out,saying that the fact that i had my Pink IC prevented me from doing so.Of course,he was merely joking about it and feeling sour for the fact that i was leaving the army seven full months before him.But i tried,i really did,to comfort him that it is going to pass by sooner than he thought,and that you are actually going to miss it more than you expect yourself to as well.

Because it's true,that the moment i stepped out of the gates and pulled out my shirt,i was a changed and different man.I didnt feel the way i felt,the first day in the army,trembling like a Chi Hua Hua and being consumed by self-pity and fear.I was confident and i was strong,and despite the dark horrible thoughts i had before about the life i am about to lead,strangling me by the throat as the rest of my life goes sailing by under my toes,i ignored them in the morning sun,waiting for the bus to come.Because i knew then,that it wouldnt have helped if i worried or cared.There are more important things to acknowledge,and to care about right then.

The point is,that i have changed over the years.I am still breathing,and i survived against all odds that i had against myself.Time was not wasted,but properly used because i felt strong and confident throughout my time in the military.So who cares if my future seems rather bleak.Who cares if my A levels was fucked up,and that i am not allowed into the courses i desired in any Universities.It didnt matter,like the way Simon from As Good As It Gets didnt matter about his bankruptcy and the selling of his apartment."Like the hat?" he asked Jack Nicholson,and i am going to ask the world if they like the look of my pink IC gleaming proudly in the sun.

I am free,i told myself.I never felt so free and liberated in my whole life.Not just because i was free from the restrain of the military,but from my old self i so gladly left behind in the past.I broke away and there i was in the bus stop,alone with Noah the black dog,smiling proudly to myself and feeling proud all over again.

This is my life,this is my road.To hell with fears and to hell with doubts.I have my time,and i have all of those in the world.So who is going to stop me,if it is not going to be myself?Cheer me on world,cheer me on.I shall not be daunted,i shall not feel that anymore.Especially with YOU in my life right now,i am braver than ever before.

Every new beginning is some other beginning's end.

ORD LOH!