In Continuum.

A Frightful Projection

This is a frightful projection.

In a neatly tended room,on a neatly tended bed,laid a person.It is 7.14am,36 seconds till the alarm clock rings,the cue for the start of a brand new day.The light that streams through his curtains are soft,hinting not of the chaotic day that awaits the person.15 seconds till the alarm clock rings,the person stirred within his sheets to a mundane dream he probably wouldnt remember five seconds after he awakes.9 seconds till his alarm clock rings,the person's eyes open.The body clock of his is working up again,he has adjusted to the everyday routine of his,and he no longer needs the alarm clock to wake him up.2 seconds till his alarm clock sounds,and he slams down hard on the off button on top and groaned.

It was time for work,a long day awaits the person.He swung his legs over the side of the bed and felt the cool touch of the wooden flooring against the bottom of his feet.He forgot to adjust the air-conditioning again,he thought.Goosebumps formed on his skin,and he rubbed his palms over his arms as he got into the bathroom to begin his daily ritual.

Who is this person,you might ask.He asks himself the same question too,even more often these days.This person is the person who wakes up at the exact same time everyday,has a good steady job with no excitement whatsoever.He lives alone in a posh apartment on the fifth avenue,with a slick car his father bought for him as a birthday present.The black and white tiles of the bathroom floor felt cold too against the underside of his feet,a little moist due to last night's late night shower.Why was he in shower at 330am again?He couldnt recall,but instead went through the job descriptions of the day.Who is this person?Who is this person?He asked,and looked into the mirror.

I stared back at myself,with the well tended hair and the rugged look.I need a shave,i told myself.It's been a while since i did that.My mind has been drifting off into strange realms these days,i dont remember me feeling this weird on a beautiful morning such as today's.It's tough being a thirty year old,i told myself in the mirror,checking out the wrinkles at the end of my eyes and the loose skin,the eyebags.I've been lacking sleep for a while now,mom called to remind me that it is unhealthy.But i cant help it,i told myself.There are thoughts,thoughts bugging me.But what?But what?

The facial foam covered my face,then washed off by the refreshing water.Droplets trickled down my cheeks and into the white sink,as i stared at myself.Something's missing,but what is it?I was satisfied,sure i was.This is the beauty of it all isn't it?The beauty of being single,you are the boss and you are in control.The master of the house,the man of the island,the king of kings.

I pressed the remote control,and the lights from the car blinked once,twice.The car started,the engine ignited.The soft whirl of the engine came through the dashboard,and i felt the soft vibrations around me.It's too cold today,i thought to myself.But the air-conditioning was turned off,so was the one in my room just now.Strange,it must be the weather.Yeah,the weather.December days are getting more and more unpredictable these days,i better bring my umbrella along.Yeah,my umbrella.My umbrella.

*

Work was awful as usual,but i grumbled to no one but myself.Loud rock music blasted through the speakers as i waited impatiently for the idiot in front to beat the red light.I'm into louder,more angry music these days and i dont know why.I left that person behind,and i thought to myself - whatever happened to the jazz and blues?I pounded my palms against the steering wheel and cursed aloud as the idiot in front still refused to move.I horned once,i horned twice,and pointed a middle finger as i sped around the female driver.

The house felt cold for some reason,as i tossed the car keys into the tray by the door and tore off my tie.Dinner with the colleagues sucked,i should stay away from hawker food.Those thoughts bounced against the four walls,around the IKEA furnitures and the specially furnished and designed livingroom.The expensive china glittered under the lights in the kitchen,the wine glasses hung glistering on top of the banister.I took one down and fixed myself a drink,the ice rocked and rolled in the confinement of the glass as i tasted the alcohol with my tongue.

Television was switched on,and before it sat myself.Reality television,MTV,World News and more reality television.Television these days,getting from bad to worse.But there i was flipping through the channels and absorbing all the useless informations.What's wrong with me today?I thought to myself.I never thought these habits to be wrong yesterday,or the week before.Strange,today's different from other days.It must be the weather,it must be.What else can it be?

My handphone vibrated,a single message recieved.There was excitement,but why was there?Who could it be?It was Sally from work,asking me about a gathering at the Stuck Pig this weekend with the rest of the office.I refused their offer,and threw the handphone into the space between the cushion and the arm rest.The television continued to blurt out useless information,and i was seeing the shows without watching them,hearing without listening,being there and nowhere at all at the same time.

Sitting home alone on a Friday,i was flat on the bed looking back on old love - or lack thereof.I was still in my shirt and pants,with the top buttons left undone.My wishful thinkings are gone,i thought.Im jaded,and i hate it.Am i tired of being alone?Am i tired?No...No,i like being alone.I've been like this for so long...but what's wrong?Something's missing.Something is,but what is it?

The coffees tasted like hot water these days,and i counted brush strokes.Every driver pissed me off,and the red lights always felt like they purposely remain that way a second long just to spite me.The neighbour's kids are always two decibels too loud,and i am numb.Numb of life,i thought to myself.I felt like a knife used too many times and felt blunt.What happened to the person i used to know,that person i was ten years ago?I liked myself,i liked the way i was.But i like myself now as well,i love myself...I do.I really do.But why am i finding it so hard to convince myself,to make believe?

Something's amiss,something's missing.The bedsheets felt cold against my right palm as i ran my hands over the sheets.The left side of my bed weird odd,and something was off.What's with the left side of the bed,what's with this strange empty feeling in the left hand of mine?Something familiar was creeping up my left arm,a familiar warmth.It's that time of the year again,when i feel this...what's this?What's this?

I am going back to the time,i am going back to you...

*

I had a thought on the bus today,when i was heading back from your place.On the bus and all around,the late night travelers eager to head on home,the man in his tie,neatly tended hair and his black suitcase sat next to me across the aisle.He looked like he had everything going for him,with his PDA in his palms,as he poked the monitor.I can picture it now,he probably has a good job,a well paid job.He probably has a wife,from the ring around his finger.But with the hour and the time,he mustve been working overtime,overtime somewhere.He stared out of the bus window blankly,just staring with death in his eyes.There was no spirit,no passion and no soul,and he doesnt realise that his life's going down the hole he dug for himself.He doesnt see that something is missing,because something always is,something is for everybody.

I had a frightful projection right there on the bus,imagining myself ten years from now,living alone and being alone.I imagine myself going through daily routines such as the ones i mentioned,with the fancy house and the fancy car.I imagined the black and white bathroom and the image of myself,projected to ten years later in the mirror.I saw myself deteriorating before my own eyes,and not seeing it.I saw myself being worn out and worn down,and i saw myself losing the passion for life and love,the passion i used to possess,the passion i possess now.

It was a frightful projection,to know that the possibility of my life in ten year's time turning out like that is so very high.I imagined myself like that,and there was a sudden surge of fear in my chest.The threat is real,to be consumed by this mundane,institutionalized person in the future.What does the future hold for me,if not a future with you?I'd be lost,lost in the rituals of the day,being consumed by work and then more work.What do i live for,what do i look forward to?I fear for my own future,a possible future without you in my life,and at times i feel the choke and strangle it has on my throat,just thinking about it scares me.

It scares all of us,the possibility of you being 'okay' with the life without each other.Am i capable of living alone with myself,being single?Sure,with the posh house and the posh car,anything is possible with money.Money being the best distraction of all.I wont die,i wont be stuck,or handicapped.I will move on,and i will survive.But do i really want that?Do i really,truly want that?

Im not sure what i am trying to convey now,my thoughts are in a mess.I guess it is the fear of being used to the fact that you are not around in the future,when i am old and useless.I imagined a life without you around,and i imagined my life revolving around my job,my job and more jobs - the mundane and the superficialities of my life.I wouldnt want that to happen to me,to be convinced that it is fine to leave you,to live a life without you.Because ultimately i know,that one day i am going to realise that my will is not as strong as i hope it to be,that somehow everything is going to come back to you.The memories that we had and just how magical our days together have been.Have been,past tense.And i will weep,i will weep for the loss of my innocence,my passion as i tear off my expensive shirt and thrash the expensive bedroom of mine...

The thought scares me.It does,and the threat is very real.So very real.

*

Will you save me,save me from me?
Myself in the future,would you please?
Just be here for me,be with me.
Dont let the future-self consume me.

Because what would i be?
Or who would i be?
And where would i be?
If you arent here with me?