In Continuum.

Night at the Airport



The air was cloudy around the lamps that lined the expressway, blades of light forcing their way through the wall of mists, almost as if we were in a dream world. My mother asked me about the mist, and I told her it must have been the transpiration of the trees around. But I wasn't sure about it, and Dad sure wasn't in the right state of mind in the backseat to answer any questions. He fell quickly asleep at the back of the car, snoring quietly away with an arm on his briefcase, flying to Shanghai for an urgent meeting. It was a quarter past eleven just now, and the streets were relatively empty, save for the cars zipping in between one another and the suffocating sensation of my thoughts, blocking my mind and nostrils.

We came down the long stretch of road leading to the control tower. On our left lined a neat row of taxis, waiting for midnight customers at the airport. We pulled up at the departure hall, and the place was virtually empty. It was only midnight, and I sure wasn't used to the empty sight. I remember the day when I left for India when I was in the airport at 6am in the morning. It was way more crowded than this, but with the echoes all around there was a sort of calm and serenity to it. No wonder they call this the best airport in the world, I thought. It felt like a shrine of sorts, a cathedral perhaps. Beautiful.

My sister's SMS came in only moments before we arrived. She said something about a Mushroom Swiss Burger from Burger King. In my shorts and sandals sliding off my feet, I tried to adjust the straps while hopping through the sliding glass doors and into the departure hall. Something was vaguely familiar then, as I trotted through the empty place.

The tiles on the floor glistered, hard work by the janitors I presume. To keep the image of Singapore clean and green, the government does anything to uphold it. More than half of the staff aren't even Singaporeans, or Chinese. That speaks a lot about the service industry. I thought those to myself as I walked past shops that were closed, darkened stores with their metal gates pulled shut. Only the Burger King and Coffee Bean were still attending to customers, and the lines were long.

I waited and looked around, and then it struck me like a fist in my temples. The Burger King, the sofa, the chairs. Yeah, I have been here before. So many months ago with somebody that I love, on a bus to nowhere when we ended up here finally. Somehow, it was different back then. There were so many people all around, and the public announcement system blared out constant names and flight numbers.

People were talking everywhere, passengers who just arrived and the ones who were just leaving. Kids running about on the aisles, and parents trying to tame their kids. We watched and we laughed, we smiled with our hands held. I remember walking away jokingly, leaving her behind and see what she would do. She remained in her seat, and there she sat behind the trees. I tried to look back a dozen times, but she never moved. As the distance between us grew, the people that got in between got more and more. Until it was hard to see her in between them, and I panicked. I walked back, brushing my shoulders against others', trying to catch a glimpse of her once again. There she was still, unmoved and stubborn. Sitting there, watched as I slowly walked away...

I lost my attention a little bit when the cashier attended to me. He was a young man, probably around my age. It must have been the time, because he looked sleepy somehow, and took the order at a leisurely pace. I wasn't in a hurry really, but for some reason I wanted to get out of that place. Memories are beautiful things, if you don't have to deal with the past. And there I was before the counter ordering a Mushroom Swiss, and dealing with the past at the same time. I couldn't even make the order in proper, and had to repeat it twice. I almost forgot to take the change, and as soon as I was done, I made the long way around the place, away from the row of sofas.

The paced quickened, and I was virtually running now. The sandals made weird sounds under my feet, and I'm sure the security guards regarded me and the bag of fast food with much suspicion. But the air was suffocating, with the lights above my head swirling. There was a sea of nausea sweeping over me like a blanket, my ground beneath my feet reflected my own face, and inside that reflection I almost saw myself and you, staring back at me. I took a look back at the elevators, and you kept coming up. You appeared and you appeared and you appeared, and I left the departure hall breathing hard. Shaken, and silent

Just pure...silence.

At this point in time, there isn't much that I can do, now is there? Not a word that I can say, or a thing that I can do that will change your mind about anything. Your heart built a road with your mind, and they both agreed with each other on the decision. That is the best equilibrium there is in you, and to be honest I am proud of what you have done with yourself. To see you come out from your gloom and to make up your mind about something, that is really an accomplishment of sorts. Even if you don't see it, I am telling you now. This is how great you are, and how great you can be. Do you not see what I saw, and still see?



I guess I am beginning to miss you. In fact, that has been the case for the past week. The part of my computer where I have not the courage to touch for a long time was visited by myself today, and looking through the pictures brought a sour feeling to my nose. Emotions welled, but no tears fell. Because they were happy memories, memories boxed within the 3x5 limits of the photograph. We never took pictures when we were unhappy, have we? And when we do, we could never stop, always asking to take one more. We were happy, we really were. So what happened?



There are things that I have not say to you for such a long time. They don't seem appropriate anymore, these days. They used to blurt out of my mouth so naturally, because whenever I was with you, everything felt so right. But nowadays, nothing feels at ease, everything is uncomfortable. And those words retreated into the back of my head like disheartened troops. But looking at those pictures, and visiting the airport at night, rekindled those words inside of me.



Though I have not the courage to say them to you yet, I just want to say, that I love you. Still, after all this silence, I really do. And you are beautiful, so very beautiful in those pictures. But all I felt, as I ran my fingers across the monitor, was the smooth sensation of the screen. It felt cool, and it felt cold. Nothing resembled your touch, the warmth that skips from your skin onto mind. It's been too long since I saw you, and I am losing all hopes now, truly.



I see it happening, we meeting one another. I will be there, and you will be too. I'm not even sure about smiles now, but there will be words exchanged, and I can hear the words "This is it" going over and over in my head. Afterwards, the vision blurs and no image is coming through. I dare not imagine what happens next, or what would. As much as I am prepared for any circumstances, I cannot imagine myself going through it.



My dear, as much as I hate to face it, it is so much better than speculating, guessing. To get it over and done with, is what I wish for right now. Like a time capsule, those mists on the expressway to the airport must have been some sort of time machine, bringing it back to when we were happy, really happy...I miss those times, I truly do. But if we have to end this, and to put a stop to the possible memories that we might have in the future, so be it. May it be, because I'd rather lose than to have never had it at all. Nothing hurts like nothing at all, but I can deal with it. I did it before, and I can again. But just don't keep me guessing anymore.



If it is a decision that we are going to remain, tell me. If it is a decision that you are going to leave, tell me too. In both cases, I am going to love you just the same. Just that for the latter, I am going to have to work out a way to let it die out. Because you should know better, that lingering love only turns bitter at the very end. I'm going to have to kill every part of you in me, saving the bittersweet memories for me to savor. Forgive me, but that is how I imagine myself to do.



There, I've said it. So I guess, if it happens, I won't say anything when I am with you. Forgive me, if I just walk away from you without a word. Because killing the love of your life in your heart, is a pain more than words can ever explain.