In Continuum.

Down Memory Lane

'Welcome to the real world' she said to me,
Condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white

In view of yesterday's incident, I placed the idea of visiting my old school today aside, thinking perhaps a trip down memory lane wasn't the best idea in the world, with Stanley still in the hospital and his family still sitting out in the corridors, waiting for him to wake up. But then again, life goes on with or without Stanley I guess, and it's not like I am stuck at the hospital to take care of him, whatever. I'm sure there are people out there who were hit harder than myself, but still going on with life as per normal. So what makes me any different?

So when Ahmad messaged me in the morning about visiting the school, I hesitated for a while on the phone and wondered if it was a good idea in bed. In the end, I succumbed to the wave of nostalgia that swept over me like a warm blanket and agreed to meet him later in the afternoon. But at the back of my mind, there was a constant voice, telling me that it isn't a good idea to visit the school, that you are going to be disappointed and perhaps bored out by it. The truth is, I never truly liked my time there, and when I told RuiQi that I was going back to school, she was surprised that I was being so 'loyal'. I told her I wasn't, and that I was merely bored. Besides, the school is less than five minutes away from my house, it'd be like going downstairs to the hawker centre to buy fish ball noodles, so why not?

I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens,
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeves

As I did a million times before, I never truly enjoyed my stay at the school. The dislike didn't have anything to do with the school culture itself, but rather the fact that A levels just wasn't my cup of tea. In fact, I think every single JC that I go to would produce the same results, and at the end of the day I would end up disliking the system anyway. But that is not to say that the school did not have its flaws. The uniform sucked, and the students never truly liked it. The material was too hot for us, thick and heavy like sang bags. And that is of course, besides the fact that it was the same color as our droppings in the toilet. I remember WeiYi was talking to Mr. Yee in class, and she told him about an incident on the cab when the driver asked if she was from HCJC, because we have very similar uniform. Ashamed of her own school, she admitted to that mistake instead.

Saying that you are from "NanYang" literally makes you sound like a fish from the Southern Ocean. You don't sound nearly as prestigious as if you tell people that you are from "National" or "Raffles", or even "Anderson". "NanYang" just doesn't have a ring to it, and instead of thinking about you as a student with files and books in your hands, people relate you to a sardine in the middle of the South China Sea. It's not a good thing to begin with, but it's not like the idea of changing the school name to Chung Cheng was very welcomed a few years ago. We were used to that bad name, and we were hesitant to change it.

They love to tell you
Stay inside the line
But something's better
On the other side

Dressed and prepared, I was ready to brave the onslaught of youth back in school. I've always enjoyed meeting people of the past, showing them just how much I've changed as a person. Thinking about how I was in the past, I can't tolerate the fact that people's impressions have been stuck that way about me. I wasn't in the best shape, and like Hanwei so kindly put it to me once," You are way more desirable right now". He didn't mean it in a homosexual way, but then in a way I agree with him. I was in a train wreck, and the fact that I wasn't good at anything made things worse. At least now I have something to sell, as I crossed the running track with Ahmad and a bunch of people on either side of us, kicking soccer and playing basketball in a tournament. It was a familiar smell of grass from the field, and the sight of boys and girls younger than myself, running about in the campus in that uniform. They changed the color actually, into this disgusting looking brown, as if the last one wasn't bad enough. It looked just like the old one, but washed too many times in a bucket of milk. It just looked weird, really.

Climbing those familiar steps of the grand stand, I had a weird sense of deja vu. The girls all looked like the ones we had in our days, and Ahmad kept going on and on about how much cuter they are compared to our year. To be honest, the aura that these youths were emitted made me feel so old. It's not about feeling older, because I crave to be older that's for sure. But feeling old, that's a different thing altogether. I'm not sure if I am making any sense here, but being old and feeling old are two totally different things altogether. So there I was in the middle of the youthful crowd, with the sound of a girl screaming over the speakers and other students selling canned drinks and stuff, feeling a little lost amongst the crowd and within myself all at the same time.

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as a real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

Ahmad and I just wandered the school mostly, and friends we knew came rarely. I saw JunTing, whom I talked to briefly about Stanley's condition and his life nowadays. But it was hard to hear him over the girls at the announcement counter, with one of them being pretty cute too. I was too distracted today, standing in a crowd of absolute strangers, I suddenly felt lost and disorientated. It wasn't different to get around the school, because everything was pretty much the same everywhere. I knew the corners at the back of my hand, and made my way through the crowd like a gliding snake. But still, the place felt very foreign to me all of a sudden, and not even the teachers there with their familiar faces made any differences.

The place was stifling, and I don't remember it being ever so hot. It might have been the number of people, shoulders against shoulders, chests against chests. The both of us took refuge in the library, and it still smelled the same as ever before. The way the air-refresher smelled so subtle in the air, and the smell of books and the wooden shelves at the front just reminded me of the old days when I used to mug my ass off before the As, in the library with Corinna till the school closed. Those were the good days, as dreadful as they were actually. Because those were the days, the beginning of a beautiful friendship that lasted until now. I sent a little 'card' of sorts to her online that I made, with a picture of the library I took today, and I dearly hope that she liked it. Because those times spent there in the cold library with you, were truly the physical manifestations of happiness.

So the good boys and girls take the so-called right track
Faded white hats, grabbing credits and
Making tranfers
They hit all the books but they can't find answers

Met up with a couple of old teachers, and most of them didn't recognize me when they saw me. Mr. Teo at least stopped for a minute or two to talk to me, and he mentioned how 'funky' and 'modern' I look now as compared to the past, as if I looked like a living dead or something. But then again, he wasn't nearly as bad as Mr. Yee when I greeted him in the hall. He took a full minute to recognize me, and I told him about how he ignored me when I saw him at the Bugis Kinokuniya just the other time. He smacked his head so hard that I swear, I thought his head was going to pop off from his sockets. He laughed, and said that his memories were failing due to old age, and that he cannot remember all his students. But of course, I was just joking about it with him, and he still looks like a nice old chap, which kinda made me feel guilty for all the things I did to him, or never did.

But the atmosphere was just too suffocating. I took some time away from the people I was with and went around the school on my own for a while. In the remote corner of the school I leaned against the railing and watched as these new students ran around the field, kicked balls and sold home-made jewelries at counters and booths. It reminded me of the good old days, but at the same time I hated the memories altogether. It was a strange contradicting and conflicting emotion, one which I am still battling with myself. But one thing is for sure, and that is the fact that seeing those old faces felt good, truly.

All of our parents they're getting older
I wonder if they wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

Flipping through the anniversary year book, I saw the well-wishers from graduated students, and the achievements of past students in the working life. Some became famous lawyers, doctors, researchers, actors, and even politicians. While I leaned against the railing with my hair caught in the wind, I thought about my own face appearing in a book like that someday, if the school is ever going to invite me back to their anniversary celebration because I made it somewhere with my passion for writing. I'd like to - in fact love to - to have that kind of honor. But for now, at the brink of my own dreams and aspirations, I wonder when such a dream is going to be fulfilled, if I am ever going to be good enough.

Standing in the school which ended for me two years ago, I am on the edge of beginning yet another journey in the education world two years later after the military life. I can say that I have changed, and I have changed so drastically over the years. I have grown so much, and changed into a person that the guy in the past would probably not recognize. I like this person, despite all the hardships and the heartbreaks that he went through. They just molded me into a different person, a bigger better person, simply because I refused to give in to the pain of heartbreak and the obstacles ahead.

They love to tell you
Stay inside the line
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as a real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I have changed, and I promised myself then that in ten years' time when they celebrate their fortieth anniversary, I am going to be somehow in that book, and under my picture in big bold words "Chin Wei Lien, Class of 04. Published Author". Just you wait world, here I come.

I am invincible
I am invincible
I are invincible,
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as a real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I just can't wait till my ten-year reunion
I'm gonna burst out of the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all those times were for