In Continuum.

Rats In A Laboratory

I see the lights are turning and I look outside
The stars are burning through these changing time
It could have been anything we want
It's fine, salvation was just a passing thought

It was just a passing thought

When I was younger in my teenage years, I used to think that 'Rejections' were the right of handsome, popular or the lovable guys in school or in clubs. That term never came to me as something I would use unto others, simply because I never saw myself as being anywhere close to being remotely attractive. To tell you the truth, I really wasn't an attractive person when I was in my teenage years, when I still smelled like milk powder and my white socks could be seen under the long pants back in the Secondary School mess. I was in a mess, and throwing me into a club would make me look like I walked into the wrong party, when I should have been in the party with theme "80's Fashion Disaster". I'm not saying that I am - in any way - a sex machine now. But an improvement is what I acknowledge in myself, and a change for the better too.

Anyway, back when I was in Secondary School and Junior College, the idea of rejecting somebody wasn't a lovable idea. After all, I have been the target of rejections throughout my life mostly, and seldom the other way round. But you couldn't blame me for being the target of rejections really. After all, I was deprived of skills and my hormones were bouncing up and down in my body like particles in quantum physics. It was hard to control my liking for any member of the opposite gender, since I was in a single-sex school and had Cedar merely down the street from the entrance. It was hard to be sane about anything back then really, and when it comes to rejections I might just be at the top of the list - or close.

Don't wait, act now. This amazing offer won't last long
It's only a chance to save the path we're on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time we'll sort it out

And in time we'll sort it out

When it came to understanding the feeling of being rejected, I knew full well. It wasn't difficult to put myself in the target's shoes, because I myself was in the position a dozen times. It's not something to be terribly proud of, but at least I have the experience to share. So when it came to rejecting somebody outright because of the lack of mutual feelings, I felt like a downright bastard and a jerk off to be honest. To tell you the truth - to all those reading who has never rejected anybody before - the feeling utterly sucks.

This is what happens when it comes to the moment of confession. Your mind gets clouded by a sort of mystical cloud of stupidity. You start to lose the ability to think rationally, and your mind wanders into the realm of idiocy seconds before you utter other confessions. Deep in your heart, you are wishing for that person to say that he or she has the same exact feelings for you as well, and that we can make a bright and beautiful future by running off into the sunset, hand in hand. That is probably the image in the mind of every 'Confess-er'. We will be filled with expectations, hopes and wistful thoughts that we start to forget the fact that the chances of that person liking you in return, is probably lower than say, a person being struck by lightning on a perfectly sunny day. Or perhaps the odds of the Singapore Soccer team getting into the next World Cup and winning the ultimate title.

And though they say it's possible to me
I don't see how it's probable. I see
The course we run spinning farther from what I know
I'll hold on, tell me that you won't let go

Tell me that you won't let go

In the year of 2004, somehow, people started telling me about their mindless infatuations. It's not like it wasn't welcomed or anything, because being liked by somebody is quite a good feeling to be honest. I know that it might have sounded crude or egoistical, but let's not deny our feelings when it comes to being the target of a certain infatuations. Anyway, like I said, it's not because it wasn't welcomed, but rather I had no feelings for them at all, whatsoever. Which meant that I needed to be the bad guy, the bastard, the jerk off, the guy that drops the "No" bomb. I had to tell them about my feelings for them - or lack thereof - and it wasn't a lovable feeling at all.

On their side, they were crying and sobbing, tearing and whining, questioning and then more questioning. On my side, I was stabbing myself mentally with a kitchen knife and sawing my head off with a chainsaw. Because I felt so much guilt, so much disgust for myself that I was denying somebody else of their feelings. Because I knew the feeling of being rejected, to be dejected, to be left outside in the front porch and not let inside. It wasn't a good feeling, to hit a wall head on when you had so much confidence, so much hope, and so much feelings for whoever that was over on the other side. I apologized, and I kept doing so until the wee-hours of the morning for all of them, I remember. They calmed themselves down afterwards, and told me that it was all OK. But the both of us knew, that it wasn't going to be something easy to get through. Even for me, it affected me as a person so terribly. It sucked to be the messenger with the bad news. It really does.

And truth is such a funny thing with all these people
Keep on telling me they know what's best and what
To be frighten of and all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us

They know nothing about us

You cannot force chemistry to occur between two parties. Water is not vinegar, and you do not expect the former to have the same effect on baking powder as the latter. The truth was, I saw them as friends the first time I met them, the kind of friends that stay as friends, nothing more. It wasn't difficult to differentiate between the ones with potentials, and the ones without. And because I have already had a preset idea about them, I didn't want to treat them like mice in a laboratory. To test them out and see if they are suitable for me. After all, a relationship doesn't work like those colorful liquids on burners or held by tongs, it is not something that can be created out of a series of trial and error, or something you can win a Nobel Prize for.

It wouldn't have been fair, to say that "OK, I'm not sure about my feelings for you, but let's just try things out for a while" It's just not right to treat a relationship like those amateur experiments we did in school. It is not fair for my partner and myself, if I ever decide to do that. Which is why I found my mother's advice for me before I got into my previous failed relationship to be ridiculous. She told me not to put in a 100% into my first relationship because you'd never know how it'd turn out. Allow the relationship to mature and to grow, and with the 50% that you started off with - for example - you can then slowly add 10%, followed by 10%, until you are perfectly sure.

And though they say it's possible to me
I don't see how it's probable. I see
The course we run spinning farther from what I know
I'll hold on, tell me that you won't let go

Tell me that you won't let go

But to me, I think it is either you put in your all, or nothing at all. And that was exactly what I did, because if I didn't have a full heart in it, it'd be unfair for everybody involved. And feelings aren't something you want to meddle with, like toys from the shelves.

So to stand now in my life, thinking back on all those people that I built a wall in front of, I still fee a tad bit of guilt and perhaps a sense of disgust for myself. But I guess, in a way, I finally understand why some of the people who rejected me, did it in the first place. It was the right move, on their part, to have said 'No', now that I think about it. And though it sucks to be in that kind of situation, though you are all broken and fallen apart, you just have to tell yourself that perhaps things are for the better, that it is better to be treated like a human than a lab rat. Because really, nothing is worse than a relationship that is based on trial and errors. So many couples I see these days are like that, remaining together for the sake of doing so. Isn't that sad? Isn't it?

I'm not alright
I'm not alright
I'm not alright
I'm not alright

This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful
But times are tough I know
And the pull of what we can't give up takes hold