In Continuum.

At World's End

Silently, I wish to sail into your port, I am your sailor
Quietly, I drop my weight into your sea, I drop my anchor
I sway in your waves, I sing in your sleep
I stay till I'm in your life

It was a little before ten in the evening I suppose, and the bus stop was crowded with late-night diners and school girls who were on their way home just before curfew. It was then when I received the invitation to a friend's birthday party, the first one in a long time this year. Suddenly, all the people turning twenty-one this year decided not to hold birthday parties, or at least I was not invited to any of them, between April and August. Finally, Lynette decided to invite myself and a couple of other usual suspects to her party. The only problem then was the location of the party itself. It wasn't at Downtown East - which would've been considered as far already - or any other holiday resorts in Singapore, but the Raffles Marina Country Club all the way in Tuas. The word 'Tuas' stared out at me through the message, and it was as good as being at the end of a rainbow. Aside from factories and warehouses, it was hard for me to imagine a holiday resort located there at all. I vaguely remember visiting one of them eons ago, when my father brought the family to the golf club for lunch. But that was a decade or so ago, and I hardly remember anything that happened last week.

So the party happened last Saturday, and the bit in the message about it being in Tuas was not a joke as we previously hoped for. You know how it is as a child, when everything seemed longer, bigger, or taller than it really is. I remember the pavement that lined the monsoon drains at the back of my house, and I used to call it the Silk Road because it seemed so long to walk from the entrance to the hawker center in the HDB estates. It takes less than five minutes for me to walk the same distance now, and the same can be applied for the journey to Tuas. When I was younger, my father drove the family to the country club for lunch, since he was a member there. The journey was seemingly endless, and I remember picturing ourselves in the middle of Thailand by the time we arrived. So the false impression of the distance remained with me, as Corinna and I cabbed from from Serangoon MRT station. The journey itself cost us more than twenty dollars, and that was probably the most I had to pay for a single ride in the taxi.

I realize now you're not to be blamed my love
You didn't choose your name my love
You never crossed the seven seas

The Raffles Marina Country Club is tucked away in a remote corner of the country. Right next to the Tuas industrial estate, the club is pretty much the last hidden paradise in Singapore in the sense that not many people bothers to visit the club - since it is located so bloody far away from everything - and it is indeed a beautiful place to begin with. It is a club where the rich people would park their yachts and cruise ships, and you can find rows and rows of them bumping against the pier, as they floated just beyond the harbor. Stepping off the taxi and into the front lobby, the emptiness of the place struck me as being somewhat of a rarity in a place like Singapore, especially on a Saturday evening. On either side, there were deep dark pools, with stone fishes lined on the edges as they spat water. Two giant staircases curled up towards the second floor where the suites were, and our footsteps bounced off the marble floors and pillars. The grandness of the place itself struck me with much surprise, because I certainly do not remember such grandeur when I was here as a kid.

We came through the lobby and onto the pier, and before us a dozen boats floated quietly on the shores, as they bounced softly against the jetties. A few visitors spent their time in the giant tent that was the bistro, with a soft scent of baked fish and spring chicken in the air, mingled with the salty taste of the sea. The second link between Singapore and Malaysia stretched out into the horizon on our right, with the lights from the checkpoint already turned on despite the sunset being an hour or so away. Beyond that were the hills and the forests of Malaysia, emerging out from the sea like a mysterious island. All around us, the mist of the morning rain hovered above the waters, and the sun was like a curious child that peeped through the hole in the sky, watching over us just before it takes its leave on this side of the globe for today. The peace and serenity in the place struck the both of us, as we paced the edge of the piers and peered over the railings to find fishes in the murky waters. It was surprising to see so many boats there, with the sea just under our feet, and yet the silence that encumbered us was deafening at the same time.

I realize now you're not to be blamed my love
You didn't choose your name my love
You never crossed the seven seas

We walked till the end of the pier, with the lighthouse just being around the corner. It wasn't one of those fancy lighthouses you'd find in foreign countries, but to see a lighthouse in Singapore was in itself, surprising. The sun was about to set in the West, and we were directly in front of it. We estimated the time that it would take for the sun to disappear over the horizon, and decided against the growling of our hunger stomaches to catch the sunset. It was casting its golden shadows on the waters, with the ripples of the sea breaking its form with every passing boat or breeze. Ships sailed by in silence, occasionally blaring its horns like a whale singing in the deep. Cast against the golden background, the silhouettes of the boats seemed so small and so distant all of a sudden, and the two of us just sat there and talked about everything - but mostly the sunset - as the fishermen and boaters busied themselves in their yachts.

I was curious about the name of the island in the distance, and wondered how long it would take for me to swim over. I have the fear of water, but that didn't prevent me from dreaming about the open waters. The mist in the distance prevented me from judging the distance, but it seemed to be a further than it looked, sitting there in the middle of the sea like a single tower of dark cloud. A sail boat passed under the sun, and it looked like a picture you would find on the cover of a postcard. Only, Singapore is not going to invest money on postcards with such an ordinary scenery on it, because it doesn't represent Singapore. You are probably going to find Merlion, the banks that defines the skyline in the city, as well as other statues and ancient buildings that is scattered all over the island. Not a random scene in the bay of Tuas, with a sail boat sailing by under the setting sun. Too common and too ordinary for the rest, but perfect for the both of us as we sat there in awe of nature's wonders.

Oh, sweet creature
I know exactly how you feel
Your clock is ticking, tick tack tick tack
Your heart is beating tum tum tum tum tum

Instead of a private jet to fly me to Mongolia, I had the urge to buy a yacht instead - if I am rich enough in the future. There is something about sitting on top of a bobbing boat as it is tied to the pier, or anchored in the middle of the sea. With your fishing rods tied to the back of the boat and a picnic mat spread out towards the front, it'd be nice to have glasses of wine and French cheese, as we admire the sunset or sunrise from the middle of nowhere. I've been living in this part of the world too long, with every corner of this island dominated by the sound of something all the time. You start to wonder if there is a piece of Earth left, not polluted by noise or the ugliness of human beings. Even there, there were styrofoam boxes floating in the sea, but I guess it was inevitable to have those. I guess I just want to sail out into the open sea one day, and feel how it is like out there away from everything that I have grown so used to.

It was getting late, and we were joined by Ahmad as he cabbed in from his place. It was amusing to see Ahmad being so enchanted by the scenery there, as he literally walked towards the sunset and nearly off the edge of the pier itself. Sitting there in the sun, he was minutes away from lifting himself off the ground, attaining Zen in his own time. It was indeed a beautiful sight, as Corinna and I celebrated by taking a bunch of pictures of the place and ourselves. We felt like pollutants all of a sudden, tainting the place with our presence. On out side of the island, we saw the giant ugly building of the Super company behind, with the towering chimneys of factories along the shores. But in between Malaysia and the island I mentioned above, I wanted to sail through like a straight arrow, and continue right down until I hit the first shores. It'd be quite an adventure, and I shall do it one day when I have nothing to hold on to in Singapore any longer.

Silently, I wish to sail into your port, I am your sailor
Quietly, I drop my weight into your sea, I drop my anchor

The party started about two hours later than expected. Guests started arrive in droves, people that we didn't know greeted the birthday girl and gave hugs and kisses on the cheeks. Ahmad and I stood amidst the crowd, lost and disorientated all of a sudden. The setting was brilliant, with the smell of baked fish and spring chicken still lingering in the air. But there was something about the people there - at least for me - that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It was perhaps the presence of all those people that I didn't know, the way they talked and the way they dressed just seemed like they were from a completely different world. I felt that it was so hard for me to connect to the place itself, the way everybody conversed with each other with the both of us thrown into the back of their minds. It was inevitable, since we have never seen those people in our lives. But deep inside, there was an urge to escape the party and run back into the darkened pier. At least there, I may find better company with myself and the thoughts I'd conjure in the deep silence by the sea.

The crowd chattered away as the dinner was served, blabbering away about topics I could hardly relate to. It wasn't necessary for me to mingle around and socialize, but for some reason I felt like I needed to do something there and then. The guys disappeared outside the restaurant for cigarettes, while the girls took pictures of themselves and the birthday girl, laughing at the top of their voices in the most shrilling pitch imaginable. They all looked as if they came from a club, or perhaps they were heading for the club after the party. Whatever the case may be, I just felt like a human from another twilight zone, another dimension altogether. They were talking about senseless thing, surface-deep things that concerned little about me. Not that I wanted to be the center of attention in any way, but it made me wonder how it was possible for these people to talk about what they talked about, and call those a 'conversation'. The urge grew as the awkward atmosphere expanded in size. I wanted to leave, and that was exactly what I did soon after my horrendous dinner came.

I realize now you're not to be blamed my love
You didn't choose your name my love
You die a little in my arm

I pictured myself running into the pier with somebody in my hands. Somebody, a person without a face. We jumped into my yacht that was parked at the very end of the rows of ships, with the lights from the tent slowly disappearing behind us. We were both bugged by the awkward atmosphere back where we came from, and we were just exhilarated by the smell of salt in the air, as the sea water sloshed away beneath our feet. You took off your high heels, because they threatened to have themselves stuck in between the wooden boards, and I commented about how crazy we were to sail out into the open seas on impulse. It'd be a wild adventure, and despite not knowing the other person who tagged along, she agreed on this wild venture into the unknown with me. It'd be great fun, and the engines of the boat started to move. Water splashed in the back of the boat, sending them into the air and resembled the stars in the night skies. We chose a random coordinate on the map, and we were out of the harbor without telling anybody. It'd be rude to leave the party like that, but we did it anyway, with our logic governed by our young stupidity and emotions taken over by excitement. Just sail away into the night, towards the Northern Star in the horizon, and see what happens afterwards. It'd be fun, wouldn't it? It'd be fun.

Only, I was back at the lobby at ten at night, sitting on the sofa with soft rock music coming from the bar next to us. Ahmad was surfing the net with his laptop, while I spent most of the time staring into nothingness. Something was on my mind, a fear was creeping my chest. It might have been a fear of not having the dream come true, the dream of sailing off into the night with an unknown person. It'd be the most likely outcome in fact, that it'd remain as a dream that was conjured out of boredom at the party. However, on the ride home in Corinna's parents' Mercedes, I found out that it was something else that was bugging me. Something - else. It was the face of the person that could have been with me, as I hop over the edge of the boat and started the engine. The person that could have been there, who wasn't and never will be. The air-conditioning in the car grew increasingly cold, and I hugged myself as I shifted closer to Corinna's warmth. As we sped down the expressway and away from the hidden paradise, a sense of melancholia overthrew me. And I found myself falling out of the car and onto the expressway, shredded into a million with nobody stopping for me. Nobody stopping for me at all. At world's end that day, I found a dream of the past, lost forever in the coming tide of time.