In Continuum.

Haunting Mass Appeal

Sometimes, I feel the fear of
Uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.

It felt like the call I received almost a year ago, on a Saturday morning when I was still in my slumber. It was a call from Henry I think, and it was a call for the boys to head back to camp for a full-dressed rehearsal of sorts. That's what happens in the army, you get this sort of callbacks once in a while, though they are usually predicted and known beforehand. I knew about the callback then, but it was still a pain in the ass to know that I had to go back on a Saturday afternoon just to pretend that there was an invasion underway. Like everything else in the army, it was just a great play and everybody were the actors. It wasn't to make the audience happy, but to please the higher ranking officers, who strolled amongst the ranks of men and pretended to be important. The call I received on Tuesday afternoon felt exactly like that.

It was a call from Jonathan, and the details of the call was brief. City Hall MRT, 7.30pm, dinner. That was about all the details he told me about yet another gathering with the people from school. Of course, such gatherings are way more enjoyable than say, yet another callback from those military goof balls. But I can't help but notice the similarities between the two phone calls, especially the sort of urgency involved in both of them. So I climbed out of my bed after the afternoon nap, and started my preparations - just like I would for an actual callback. Only, I was actually looking forward to seeing those people, and I was certain about the fun I was going to get for the rest of the night. There is something about these last minute calls to meet that appeals to me, the way nothing is planned in a...planned sort of way. Though I am yet to be impulsive enough like some of them, who grabbed their passports at four in the morning just to grab supper in Johor, I guess this is as far as it goes for my healthy dosage of spontaneity.

It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.

So the night went on, just like how it would've on a normal gathering night. There were Mahjong pieces being pushed around on the table, homemade martinis with a couple of lychees thrown in, a great company to boot at that. Shem brought his guitar along, and his guitar eventually ended up in my arms throughout the night. Hooey brought down two of her other guitars, and those were occupied by Shen and Aaron as well. We jammed for the most part, while the rest of them won and lost money by the edges of the Mahjong table. I wasn't so hot about gambling my money away, especially when they had Travers and Blondie playing at the same time. If I joined them in the game, I would've ended up paying with my clothes or manual labor, because that is how bad I am at the game of Mahjong. I know, they always argue that Taiwanese should be good at the game, but I guess there is just something about pushing the tiles around that I don't get.

It was a great pleasure jamming with the two boys, despite my mother calling in at one in the morning to ask where in the world I was. It was pretty late, and even Hooey's dog fell into a comatose state on the sofa. Tucked in the corner of the street, the lot of us hung out to great drinks and great music, and it was just a scene that was hard for me to let go. A part of me still had the feeling of school in mind, the way you wake up in the morning with something to do in your head. I still get that once in a while, the way your nerves kick in and warns you about work being left undone at home. But in truth, it is the holidays, and there is nothing for you to do at all. The same feeling struck me halfway through a song I was playing with Shen, but was dismissed as soon as it struck my mind, and the night continued until the wee-hours of the morning when I thought - it is about time I make my way home.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there...

Some of them wanted to head to a local hawker center for a quick supper, but I wasn't exactly interested in that idea at all. Aaron was out in the driveway putting on his helmet, and there was an extra helmet at the back of his motorbike, just waiting for somebody to pop it on. So I was standing in front of him with a wide grin across my face, wondering if it was possible for him to give me a ride down to the main road. It has been a million years since my last ride on the motorbike, and I must say that it was scarier than I remember it to be. But there is always that fear in everything that appeals to the masses, doesn't it? The way we take a roller-coaster ride, feeling the world spinning 360 degrees a dozen times over, to be safe at the very end of the ride. There is a certain appeal to humans when it comes to the brink of danger, and that was the kind of mentality I had when I was a child, hopping onto my uncle's Vespa before he drove off to the neighborhood convenient store.

I was probably eight years old, or younger. Motorcycles in Taiwan are dirt cheap, and he bought a second hand motorbike from a dealer back then. I've been riding in cars for the most part of my life back then, because my parents are passionate haters of motorbikes, claiming those dreaded vehicles to be worse killers than drunk drivers. Since young, my parents never liked the idea of me being on a motorbike, which must have been why my uncle used to sneak me out of the house just to get me up front at the dashboard. I'd stand in between his legs, while he rides down the streets of Taipei despite the cold blasting wind. Aside from the danger of crashing at high speed, there was also the danger of me being discovered by my parents or my aunt. But it was that exact thrill, that appeal that drew me into standing there right at the front of the bike, spreading my arms out wide into the air as I attempted to catch the wind.

So, if I decide to waiver my
Chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine
And hold my own and drive?

I had a hard time putting on the helmet, because I didn't know how to. Back when I was still a child, my uncle didn't even bother to put a helmet over my head. The helmet got stuck on top of my head, and it made me look like I had an extra head growing out of the top of my skull. Aaron helped me with the helmet, and strapped it down with the straps under my chin. When I was all done with the helmet, I started breathing deeply and pretended I was Darth Vader, and claimed to be Shen's father. Anyway, that was the first signs of how excited I was about the ride on the bike at two in the morning. It must sound a little childish to some, and you guys must be thinking what exactly is so thrilling about a ride on the bike at two in the morning? To tell you the truth, I have no idea myself. But like the child that jumped onto my uncle's Vespa in the past, it was perhaps the sense of danger that I wanted myself to be immersed in. So the engined was started, and the both of us rode down the narrow streets of the housing estate, with myself cheering at the top of my voice.

Aaron rode like the wind, bearing down the quiet streets and the narrow corners at blinding speed. Every time his bike tilted to one side at a turn, my hands would slam back onto his shoulders. It was a sort of natural reflexes for me, and I was rather embarrassed by myself at that time. But that didn't keep me from enjoying the breeze on the rest of my body, the kind of feeling you don't get while sitting in the back of your car. It was the sense of control, while being out of control. It was the sense of freedom that you don't get in a car, and also the idea of danger as well. I was addicted to the feeling, the moment he twisted the handle and we sped down the road at an even higher speed. For a moment, all the lessons that my parents preached about getting a motorcycle flew out of the window, and there were plans already being made in my head about getting myself one of those two-wheel rides. But I came back down to earth, just as soon as reality began to set in. And in the backseat, I retracted my arms and settled back into the shadows of the trees that hung low above our heads.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.

The truth is, it wasn't so much about the sense of freedom, but the sense of death lurking around the corner. It was quite a strange sight to see Aaron riding his bike all over again, after his father's death just a week ago as well as his own accident some time in May or June. And as for me, my friend Stanley just died from the same kind of crash only months ago, and there I was screaming at the top of my voice at how good it felt to have the wind roll above in the center of my palms. There are times when this freedom almost seems priceless, when there is more to everything in this world, even perfection. But reality almost always pulls you right down, and you find yourself thinking about the cold hard truth: Is it worth it? Is it worthwhile?

At the junction, we were pulled over by a pair of policemen doing their late night patrols. I was supposed to be dropped off at that point, but the policemen came out of their car and asked us to pull over by the curb. It was the first time I had a run-in with the police, and it was quite an experience for me. But there Aaron was, shaking like a cat while being interrogated by the policemen. Afraid, he asked one of them if he did anything wrong by making a wrong turn, or exceeding the speed limit. Sarcastically, one of them replied," I don't know, DID you do something wrong?" With that, Aaron confessed to the fact that he didn't have his P-plate because it was stolen, and started the story of how we were out at Hooey's, and why I was being dropped off in the middle of nowhere to catch a cab. Our names and IC numbers are now officially in the traffic police database, simply because I was dropped off in the middle of nowhere to catch a cab.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there...

While Aaron was there trying to explain himself, there I was wondering about the brief experience with the ride. Like the roller-coasters and the Vespa rides when I was younger, there are haunting appeals to all of them. It's like letting go both your hands while you are riding your bicycle, the idea of your bicycle going out of control anytime soon. I tried that before by the beach a few years ago, trying to test my luck against gravity. I crashed into the grassy patch by the side of the road, and laughed heartily at my own stupidity. Deep inside, I knew that I wouldn't have been laughing if I was on a motorcycle traveling at high speed, especially so when two of my friends died from similar accidents in the past two years. It was time to put my hands on the wheels, and to take life back to the course that it was taking the whole time.

The sirens blared, and the police car sped off into the night with the red and blue lights blinking into the distance. Aaron made an U-turn at the junction and was off, while I stood there in the silence of the night, wondering what my friends must have been doing in the Heavens at that time, and about Aaron's father even though I have never met him in my life. I was back on solid ground once more, with my two feet sinking deep into the long grass, and the road on either side of me stretching out into the horizon, marked by the red and green traffic lights that worked ceaselessly into the night. It was time to wake up - I told myself, time to go home. So I waved hysterically at the first cab that came into view, and told him the directions to my home. It was good to be in a real seat once again, to hear the wind going by and not feel it at the same time. Like the arms of the woman you love, it was the safest feeling in the world. I told my friends under my breath, and perhaps Aaron's dad as well," I told you so. I told you so."

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there...