In Continuum.

Random Little Donuts

My eyes have dried, my hands are tied
Nothing I can say
If you feel the need to go
I won't stand in your way

We'd like to think that what we did in the past were the best possible methods in solving anything. The illusion that we've tried our best leaves no regrets, and that applies for everything that we attempt throughout our lives. More often than not, how you attempted something is probably not the best way out of things, you just wish that it is, that's all. In the field of relationships, the chase is always where the fun begins and ends. That is what a pessimistic person would tell you, especially when his own relationship is on the rocks. I am single, but I am telling you that it is true about the part about chasing. That is because in that period of time, we get to attempt different ways and means to win the heart of a girl, and it is always interesting to get closer to a person but not close enough. There is that sense of excitement when you stand in the driveway of her house, and throwing pebbles at her windowpanes. The kind of childish excitement not everybody in a relationship can understand.

The thing about the chase, is how every silly little habit and mistake can turn out to be a plus point for you. You bring the girl out on a date at the beach and it starts to rain, and the girl is probably not going to blame you for it because it was your first date out with her. Huddling in the concrete hut just off the beach while the world turns to a shade of gray is quite a romantic thing to do as well. But when you are in a relationship, you cannot afford to have any mistakes during a date, because a boyfriend is expected to be flawless, to be perfect. After all, women do not share our expectations for our partners in a relationship. All we need our partners to be is to be a good lover, and probably nothing more than that. A boyfriend - to them - has to be their friend, their best friend, their boyfriend, their lover, their pet, all at the very same time. While we all have elected the route of attaining those unattainable standards, we have all been shot down by our girlfriends during those disastrous dates, when she just cannot stop yelling about how the rain and you ganged up to ruin the perfect Sunday afternoon. Yeah, let's look back on those days when she was absolutely and completely - desirable.

Sit and think
Drown in drink
Sing this sad, sad song
You can bring me flowers, baby
When I'm dead and gone

We have all tried a million different ways to win the heart of somebody that we fancy. Depending on the context, we have all tried to be the person that she is going to pick at the end of the day, the person who is going to be at the top of the pedestal, while everybody else watches in vain. Some of those methods might seem a little retarded, or even very retarded from your point of view now, but I bet you must have thought highly of yourself, for having come up with that ridiculous idea in the past. At least it applies for me, the way I am so confident - or over-confident - about myself in the past, causing me to trip a dozen different times in front of a dozen different people. I have come to learn a thing or two about the chase, and here I am to share a couple of little somethings regarding it. I am a veteran of my own humiliation, the survivor of my own idiocy. The best I can hope for right now is that I am not going to commit the same mistakes when trying to win the heart of somebody else. But who can tell, really? I cannot promise anything at all, really. Ten years down the road, and I am probably going to look at myself and laugh at how retarded everything has been.

The thing about being liked by somebody in return, is that it feels so incredibly good. You know how those cliched Valentine's Day cards always have the lines "The best thing in the world is to love and be loved", and how you feel cheated when the shreds of the torn card are being thrown back into your face. The journey to attain that feeling usually washes away all our rationality and senses, and it is not difficult to find ourselves attempting to buy that feeling with those multi-colored plastics in our wallet. Money really goes only that far, and the rest of the way depends always on something else, something more. But of course, when you are drowned in the insatiable craving for a certain feeling, you tend to forget that the bridge you made with those money only stretches that far off the edge of the cliff. The rest of the way to the other end of the giant valley is still pretty much, thin air. I have seen so many guys, and girls, falling off the edge with their leaps of faith, thinking and believing that their money is going to last them all the way. While money can build infinite amount of bridges in infinite distances, that is not the case in the sugar-coated world of love. A point to note of course, it is sugar-coated for a reason, because the candy really tastes rather bitter.

Fate has played his hand so cruel
There ain't nothing I can do
You say you lost your love for me
Me my love for you

As a tradition, when I am speaking of the negative aspects of somebody on my blog - especially when there is a mild chance that me may chance upon my blog - his or her name is going to be replaced by something else, or nothing at all. Anyway, so we have all heard of that guy that lost his way in his mind, in that controversial blog entry titled Russian Doll. Well, here's the true story behind what he did for the girl that he fancied at school. It has been in his beliefs that money is going to buy him the attention that he craves, or the lovings that he desires, at least that is what I observed from what he does amongst his friends, or to the person that he liked in the past. He was always the guy jumping out of the crowd, offering to pay for a huge amount of restaurant bills, or the same guy that brings in candies and food for the lot of us at school. While such an impulsive act can be rather welcoming every once in a while, even such acts cannot cover up the fact that his mannerisms do get onto the nerves of the people around him at times. This was especially true when a letter of rejection was slammed into his face, and he sank into a self-imposed depression that caused many troubles amongst his peers. Throwing tantrums and endless whining, were only part of the theatrics he managed to come up with.

There was an incident when the girl that he fancied wanted some donuts from a specific store in Malaysia, which was just across the straits at that time. After hearing that, he conveniently skipped school and went all the way to Malaysia just to bring her those donuts that she was craving at that time. Of course, many of us who don't know him is going to say just how romantic he is because of his impulses and spontaneity. But the people who knows him, we all know that it is all part of his efforts to buy the heart of somebody else. Of course, he is not going to admit that he threw in all those money just to make somebody else feel a little more comfortable. But in truth, we all know that he piled those money in front of her in an attempt to please her, which all crumbled down in vain and crushed him at the bottom like a dung beetle.

Sit and cry
And say goodbye
And sing this sad, sad song
You can bring me flowers, baby
When I'm dead and gone

It seems like donuts have become the weapon of choice amongst many guys I know as of late. I guess boxes of chocolates, love letters and flowers don't work half as well as donuts anymore. Another story I heard from my social circle also involves a donut, and this time around it was a especially saved up for somebody else that he kind of fancied back then. I don't suppose the details should be elaborated, but I guess it is not difficult to guess them anyway. Which got me thinking about the obsession with donuts these days, though I am quite a fan of those myself. Both guys in the situation were rather delusional, spending obscene amount of money just to please somebody else, you start to wonder if it was all worthwhile, especially when neither of them ended up with the person that they liked.

Like I mentioned before, I think that money only brings you that far. When it comes right down to it, it is always about the person with the broadest shoulders for you to lean on, and the person with the kindest words for you to hear. That person is always going to last further, and build a longer and more sturdy bridge than anybody else. Of course, such characteristics are always so much harder to achieve, and using money to buy people's feelings is fundamentally the same as grabbing bags of oranges from a supermarket. If we are going to think that money is going to buy everything in this world, then we are only going to end up upon the jagged rocks at the foot of the cliff, with our insides broken and our organs smashed. But then again, in a time such as the one I am living in now, you never know. At least what I said proves my case, and I am sure kind words do not work for everybody out there, though I'd like to think that they do. I have nothing but these words of mine I am able to weave together into a coherent string of rationality. It is all subjective at the end of the day, and there are people who is genuinely going to prefer random little donuts to anything else.

So when you're lying in his arms
Think of me and know
The choice you made it free and clear
It cost me a heavy toll

So, it'd be nice to find somebody who still smiles to love letters and flowers, and not those contorted faces of disgust and awkwardness. It is not that money is an issue to me, or random little donuts for that matter. I just believe that there are more to just monetary gifts, that it takes a lot more to be the friend, the best friend, the boyfriend, the lover, and the pet. Like my own definition of love, we are all willing beings of a form of stupidity. I guess we all need a little bit of that in our lives, and I don't suppose those plastics are going to buy anything real enough to last me for a long time.

Sit and think
Drown in drink
And sing this sad, sad song
You can bring me flowers, baby
When I'm dead and gone