In Continuum.

This week, the next week, and the one after the next, and hopefully everything is going to settle down at last. You know, by settle down I mean go back to how it was before all these shinanigans started flooding into the picture and destroying its balance. School has been fine, however uneventful it may be. Nobody ever said schooling is supposed to be a summer beach party, and I am certainly not complaining the fact that it has been about going through the actions as of late. But that has been alright, until all the army stuff came back to haunt me all over again. You know, the whole deal with the physical fitness test and the deferment of the in-camp training, and everything in between that is going to be affected severely. Just thinking about the assignments, the chapters that I am going to miss, the quizzes, the exams happening right after that week makes my head spin. After all, missing eight full chapters in an university context is sort of like missing one's childhood and teenage years together, or maybe buying a packet of Oreo cookies without the cream. It is going to cause me a lot of troubles just to catch up with the rest of the gang, and it just sucks that the deferment has been slapped back into my face all over again. 

Many friends that I have talked to, the ones having holidays now anyway, were surprised that my deferment did not get through. After all, it should make sense to allow you to defer when you actually do have a full-time course, even if it is a private institution, right? On top of that, this is not just any private institution we are talking about, I happen to be taking one of the most expensive courses in Singapore, and it's not like the school is kind enough to give me refunds and free credits for the classes that I am going to miss either. They completely ignored the fact that I am attending a school that has a five day week, a compressed semester with all the examinations and assignments crushed together into a matter of six weeks, and that is not to mention the fact that I had a clean track record while I was in the army. No major disciplinary issues, no medical leave, no nothing of that sort that'd cause them to blacklist me in any way. It just depresses me at times, when they completely ignore the life that you've been leading after you have already finished your term in the army. I have completed my obligations, but it's not like the master lets you run very far away with that leash around your neck. They always find a way to pull you back, and it really is saddening on my part. It is just a kind understanding from them that I ask for, and it just seems to be the most difficult thing in the world for them. 

Due to an incident that happened between Deuel and myself, I ended up heading to Maju Camp for my IPPT alone today. That is not to mention the hours spent alone in the school trying desperately to study - but can't. The only thing on my mind at that point in time was the grueling hours ahead of me, all the sweat and all the muscle pains that'd ensue surely by the end of the evening. It surely wasn't helped by the fact that everybody went home then, the school was pretty much vacated, and the skies were relentless in the showers all afternoon. The walk towards the camp came me a few thoughts as the droplets of water fell from the branches and the leaves above, a thought that involved me packing up my belongings at home and then sending them all over to Taiwan and then making a dash for it one fine day. In that way, I'd have all my things in Taiwan and be able to run away from it all - what a cowardly way of looking at things, but consider the fact that I was walking towards a place that I have been avoiding for the past year or so - give me a break. 

The smell of a camp, the sight of a camp, the way people sounded, everything was excruciating to my ears and eyes. It brought back memories of those days when we were locked down in the camps and were not allowed to go home, or those even harder times when cellphones were completely barred from the vicinity of the camps. Those were the days, and I was revisiting it all by myself. I changed into my gear, and the whole nightmare happened without much recollection. One thing led to the next, I was in a mental mode that involved a switch in my brain turned off. That's a talent that I have taken away from the army, the ability to switch your brain off and just do the job. Still, certain things inevitably crept into my head as I realized that I wasn't able to run away from my weaknesses at all. I dread fitness tests, not because of the events themselves but what they remind me of - my weaknesses. It's depressing to know that I am the way that I am, as if self-esteem isn't already a problem in my personality DNA. 

It's just this "Asian Mentality" isn't it, and I hate to blame it all on society norms but I have to. It's just the way people require you to be this smart, this fit, and this successful in your pitiful little life with a trivial thing called career. It isn't enough that you are satisfied and contented with what you have, and what you like about yourself. People want you to be the way they want you to be, act the way they want you to act, and do the things they want you to do. They don't use the word "punishment", because that word has a rather morbid connotation to it. So they use other underhanded ways to make you pay for your mistakes, it's kind of like how they've been always making polytechnic and private institutions feel like a subpar educational route, like some ugly cousin in the family or something. They've drilled into the heads of so many students out there that going to a Junior College is the right way to go, then going to a recognized local university and get a proper degree. Failure cannot be tolerated, and certainly it should be punished in our society! 

I don't know, I like being the guy that loves music and books, and movies in between the hours of work in school and other minor obligations. I like the fact that I am this way, the introverted self with the ability to survive with prolonged hours of solitude. I don't need to be the kind of person to pull a dozen chin ups, to run at gold timings, to finish the race first. Some people are just not meant to be made into the kind of person others would like them to be, and I am not the kind of person that they'd like me to be either. I seek their kind understanding that I am the way that I am, not because of laziness or lethargy, or just a general disinterest and irresponsibility in things. This is just not how I work, this is not how I operate, I don't work like that. I am the kind of soldier who'd throw down his weapons and run on home because I'd much rather die with my family than to die for my country - what is a country, anyway? Who is she, this motherland people always speak of when giving patriotic speeches? It is so elusive, so intangible. It's like a big fat lie people are fighting for, it doesn't make any sense to me anymore. As far as I am concerned, I am only willing to fight for people that I love, and not some thing that people tell me to love. I have given up two years of my life to you, is it really so hard to leave the rest of my life to me? 

I guess, what I am trying to say is that, this period of time has been rather depressing to me. School has been fine, I guess I am handling well enough to keep my chin up. It's just everything else, everything else. I just need these few weeks to be over, and perhaps that'd be the best birthday present by the time my birthday comes around at the end of the month. It'd be nice to know that I am in one piece, that I have yet to succumb to the pressure of it all. Of course I am not going to die, of course I am not going to suffer from some kind of life-threatening injury in the course of this entire ordeal. Still, I just hate to be apart of a system that wants you to be anything but yourself, a system that proclaims democracy with an iron fist. It may seem to some that this is me, wallowing in my own pool of self-pity. How pathetic is that, you ask? It is, rather, I do admit. But it's not like keeping my chin up is going to change the system, it isn't going to make these three weeks' weather forecast to be any better. And so I sulk, I sulk, and I sulk some more. It makes me feel better in a bitter sort of way, like the after taste of some god-awful medicine from the clinic. Simpler times, whatever happened to those.