Chicken Soup
Monday, August 25, 2008
Chicken Soup
It's Jan, again. This time around, however, she seems a whole lot happier and jumpy than before. Maybe it is the smaller class that she is taking this time around, or the fact that she doesn't have a twisted ankle this semester. Either way, she looked thoroughly happy and satisfied with our class this morning, and her bell has taken a whole new look this time, two flying saucer like bells that made a rather zen sound if you ask me. Like most of her lessons, she usually has her ways with things, interesting discussion questions and whatnot. This time around, we were told to give a speech on any topic that we like, and to follow a certain organizational format in our speech. My group has chosen to write the speech in a chronological manner, and the topic was chosen by Jeremy as: How to Catch, Kill, and Prepare a Chicken for Cooking. It sounds like a ridiculous title, but it was "pigeon" before I decided that a chicken would be more appropriate and practical. The ridiculous euphemisms used in this user manual type thing that we wrote were intentional, which is to say we don't actually talk like that in real life. Besides, writing it in this format just makes it that more official and important, even if it is about preparing chicken, right?
It's Jan, again. This time around, however, she seems a whole lot happier and jumpy than before. Maybe it is the smaller class that she is taking this time around, or the fact that she doesn't have a twisted ankle this semester. Either way, she looked thoroughly happy and satisfied with our class this morning, and her bell has taken a whole new look this time, two flying saucer like bells that made a rather zen sound if you ask me. Like most of her lessons, she usually has her ways with things, interesting discussion questions and whatnot. This time around, we were told to give a speech on any topic that we like, and to follow a certain organizational format in our speech. My group has chosen to write the speech in a chronological manner, and the topic was chosen by Jeremy as: How to Catch, Kill, and Prepare a Chicken for Cooking. It sounds like a ridiculous title, but it was "pigeon" before I decided that a chicken would be more appropriate and practical. The ridiculous euphemisms used in this user manual type thing that we wrote were intentional, which is to say we don't actually talk like that in real life. Besides, writing it in this format just makes it that more official and important, even if it is about preparing chicken, right?
First, set up a freedom restricting device (FRD) using some tantalizing chicken feed, a la worm. Next, await the grand arrival and consumption of feed, a la worm, by chicken. This crucial step will activate the freedom restricting device (FRD), which will restrict the freedom of the chicken. Then, we will slowly and carefully lift up the FRD with the non-master hand, and we will reach in with our master hand to apply a vice-like grip to the chicken's walking apparatus (WA). Adjust and enhance to a comfortable yet firm grip and using your non-master hand, apply another vice-like grip to the other WD. Take note that the above process should be completed within 5.3 seconds, or the shortest time possible. Failure to do so will result in the repeat of the whole process and the freedom of the chicken. Next, transfer your master hand to the head supporting apparatus (HSA) of the chicken with your thumb perpendicular to the ground and parallel to the force of gravity.
Give the HSA a firm and abrupt clockwise (or counter clockwise) twist and lift the brain containment unit (BCU) off the HSA housing. Tilt the organ-containment unit (OCU) in the angle of 45.8 degrees to facilitate the excretion of oxygen carrying fluids. With a sharpened tool, slit from under the solar plexus all the way down to the waste excretion opening. Then, remove the contents. Slowly but surely, lower the carcass of the chicken into a pot made of steel, containing liquid made up of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen at a boiling temperature of one degrees above ninety-nine degrees. Remove temperature preservation coating, a la feather, to expose porous flesh covering. Lastly, consume.
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