In Continuum.

Last night was a good night out with an old friend. A couple of phone calls later and we were already at Serangoon Gardens, slurping on ice-creams. That's usually the way it works between the both of us, last minute phone calls and last minute places to go. We've known each other for a long enough time to know that even last minute meet-ups are just as important. It still amazes me how she has remained while most of the other people have faded away into their own lives, too busy to catch up and too busy to care. I am not proud of the way that the social life from my JC times turned out. It is in bits and pieces, and I never bothered too much to piece them together over the years. After some time, you realize that the ones that'd stick, will stick. So, naturally, a few of them stuck by me, and we still keep in contact until now. Corinna is one of them, one of those friends that has always been on the back of my mind in case of a rainy day out. There are things that only old friends understand, and I suppose knowing her for six straight years counts for something. She's seen my lowest point and I've seen her lowest points, and we've been there in some shape or form, one way or another. Anyway, so we talked over ice-cream last night, and an interesting point came up that I'd like to blog about.

As a Twitter post last night, I posted something like this: Love is the color of white, though sometimes black. There isn't a shade of gray to wallow in. That was a response to the issues that we spoke of last night in Ice Cube, that ice-cream place. I am sure most of you readers out there have heard of relationships, mostly of someone else, that operate in the gray area. By that, it means that there are a lot of uncertainties and ambiguity involved in the relationship, and it becomes difficult to differentiate one from the other. As much as love should be clean cut, a yes or a no, a black or a white issue, it doesn't always turn out like that. We sometimes compromise, we take a step back and we tell ourselves that we understand. But sometimes, a step too far and we venture into the gray places that makes things difficult for everyone. It'd be easier if the color was black, because it'd be easier to say no, to say stop, to say that this has to end. But then couples operate in the gray too, a place where it is neither here nor there. You cannot bear to leave, and yet you cannot bear to stay. It shouldn't be like that, you tell yourself, but at the same time it is better off than being colorless altogether.

It is the same reason why many couples remain in the same relationship, and that is because they feel that being in the gray seems to be way better than being in the black all the time, you know. Like, we have heard so many horror stories when it comes to relationships, a party in a relationship being verbally or physically abused by their partners and such. We have heard stories like that, and Corinna was telling me about how some people she knows would be verbally abused by their partners. In the event of an argument, for example, hurtful words sometimes get thrown about rather carelessly - true. Her friends have been called words like "whores" and "sluts", and these are just some words that you just don't throw at your partners, no matter what. At any rate, the female partner would usually try to approach the male partner when everything has cooled down, and perhaps seek some form of apology for using such words. The male partner would then ask the female to fuck off before storming away. Such stories come and go all the time, and we hear about it from people about some other people's tragic stories. The people living in the grey, then, feels like their relationship is OK, that they are perfectly fine.

This entry is to address the couples that remain as couples despite such abuses. As friends in the same circle, you inevitably feel somewhat obliged to "save" your friend from such a toxic relationship. It is part of your social contract, or a sort of responsibility that you take upon when you decide that that person is your friend, and you don't want to see him or her suffer. It is a burden that we put upon ourselves, but then there are also times when you just want to give up trying. There is always the point when you feel highly motivated to do something, and then there is the point when you do not care anymore, because you've come to realize that that friend of yours isn't going to change for the betterment of his or her life. They are always prancing about in each others lives, always in the circle around each other but never close enough. You start to wonder to yourself if these people are worth "saving" at all, despite the fact that you love them dearly. So you give up, and you just let them have their ways in things and you let them go. Besides, it becomes somewhat entertaining to watch after some time, the way that every argument ends up in the same way, and it becomes this really bad reality show or like a chewing gum being chewed too many times.

It's just that, we know so many toxic relationships, and yet the people involved in it don't necessarily realize that sometimes. There isn't a clear explanation to such a phenomenon, so to speak, but we are always so curious to know why. Perhaps it is the whole saying about how love is blind and, it is more than just commitment but also compromises. Sacrifices, they say, are made in the maintenance of love, and they feel like their rights and dignity are also a part of this sacrifice, which doesn't make much sense at all. But you know how it is with people in love, they usually cannot care less about what other people say. It'd be easier if their relationships are truly in the black, because it'd make them easier to decide. But when you start comparing yourself with other couples, and you start to think that you haven't got enough reasons to break away. Love and relationship shouldn't be about comparisons, though, and it should never be a pissing competition about who has it worse than yourself. The truth is, some other couple is always going to get it worse, so comparing is just really stupid. Being in a relationship is mostly a very selfish act with occasional moments of giving. Even the giving, though, seems to stem out of a selfish act somehow. When it comes to the happiness that you deserve, nothing should ever be compromised or sacrificed.

I suppose the only good that comes out from such toxic relationships would be the value of entertainment somehow. Beyond the point of giving up, you just want to sit back and take notes of whatever that is going to happen next. Like some social scientist observing an experiment, it can get pretty interesting, not to mention a couple of good anecdotes along the way. At this point, I do not wish for the couple to separate anymore, but I hope for a marriage will ensue somehow. You know, it'd serve as some really interesting social experiment, to see how it all plays out at the very end of things. After all, the longer it takes for that someone to snap out of it, the harder it becomes for that person to leave a relationship, and that is when all the fun starts. It's like some zombie-apocalypse movie with a group of people stranded in a mall, and a bunch of zombies are closing in on the mall or something like that. The people who are the last to know about the zombies are always the most interesting group of people to watch, because they are always the most desperate and the most confused. That is also why films like to base their story around these characters, because desperate people are fun to watch.

It does seem somewhat cruel as a friend to say such things, but at the same time I suppose it is only cruel if you haven't already said all the things you need to say to that person. If everything that you've said has fallen on deaf ears, then there really isn't much that you can do anymore. There are some people that are worth saving, while others are totally deserving of the situation that they are in. I personally know a couple or two in such a situation, when talking doesn't seem to get to their senses very well. I suppose they are the more hands-on people, the ones that'd rather experience something than to be told what to do. That is all fine and dandy of course, and it is your choice as to what you want to do with yourself. But always remember that you sleep in the bed that you made, and you have to bear the consequences of your actions. Besides, if it all goes badly for that certain someone, I get to say the four magic words that sends a jolt of adrenaline into anybody's mind: I told you so.