In Continuum.

I, Insomniac

When you try your best but you dont succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you cant sleep
Stuck in reverse...

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cant replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And i will try to fix you...

It's that time of the year again,and it is happening all over.I cant seem to figure out why though,until a few nights later.

It used to be exams that make me quiver in the stomach and cause turmoils in the head.I remember tossing and turning in bed just thinking about the empty spaces in the papers,waiting for me to fill.The fear of not being able to come up with the answers while everybody else scribble away was to me,petrifying.I hate to lose,but sometimes the fear just overcomes this drive and will do achieve,that i end up in my bed with my eyes wide opened the whole night.

Then there were those nights before i went to a new school,a new environment,a new life.The night before orientation was the worst,and let's admit it man,it was because of the girls.I mean,Secondary School was fun BECAUSE there were never girls around to judge whatever you did,which made things a little more easy-going and limitless.With girls around you tend to behave yourself a little bit,you tend to hold back just that step behind because you are afraid to be judged,to be nagged,to be talked about in the most undesired way possible.

Those were the reasons back then,why i had insomnias.They were very stupid,if not laughable reasons i know.But seriously,that's how i was back then.Especially the night before enlistment,i remember.I swear if i was ten years younger i wouldve pissed the bed.I was that scared,as i laid wide awake in bed thinking about the new life i was about/supposed to embrace.It was scary,and what a reason to be wide awake for.

But in bed a couple of nights ago,i was in camp curled up in my bed thinking about things.I couldnt get to sleep,and i didnt know why that was the case.The fan softly spunned above,and the swirling wind blew gently against my sheets.Soft rain splattered on the window panes,and the sound of Raj talking softly under his sheets could be heard from a metre away.But there i was,sleepless and desperate.

I felt tired,i really did.But have you ever had those experience,whereby you are so tired and way beyond your threshold of exhaustion you cant bring yourself to sleep?I found myself drifting in the morning,staggering down the corridor into the toilet.I even skipped breakfast on Tuesday because of a terrible headache pounding on my temples like a ten-pound hammer.Then i would get into this drowsy mode the whole day,then at night become this sleepless insomniac.I was like a living dead from a Rob Zombie movie.

Then it came to me,one night as the snoring of my bunkmates slowly took over the silence.I was listening to my iPod,trying desperately to drown myself in the lyrics of each song,hoping that they would make me fall asleep asap.Then Coldplay's "Fix You" came on,and i started listening to the lyrics closely,hoping to fall asleep after such intense concentration(This is in fact,a secret method of mine to fall asleep.By listening to the lyrics of songs intensely you will fall asleep in no time).The verse below came on,and it suddenly dawned on me,the reason for my bloody insomnia through all these nights.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Why cant you just let me go Miss Duplicity,or is Mr. Backfire ie. Me,not letting off his leash?I aches a little less and more everyday,at the same time.I dont know how to explain it,but it is kinda like those oxymoronic situations."Less is More",Robert Browning once said.That is so bloody true,right then in my situation.My sleeping disoder problem.Argh.Great,now i am stuck with this memory in my head and i cant get a proper sleep.

How do you even get rid of such memories though.My friend Invis once told me,you dont just "walk away" from a memory.To quote from her blog(Sorry for not asking for permission):

"...It's 2.50am now and i'm still thinking about relationships.I haven't been through a lot myself, but i've learned quite a number of things.Letting go doesn't mean you forget everything and stop thinking about the memories...it means moving on knowing you once experienced something beautiful.It took me a bloody 7 months to let go,it seems..."

"Experienced something beautiful" was how she termed it.I guess they were,those troubling nights in bed.What kept me up so bloody late."Parting is such sweet sorrow",a line from Shakespear's Romeo and Juliet,the line that captured the bittersweet essence of it all for me.Similar lines were said in history by famous people including Alec Guinness(aka. Obi-Wan Kenobi)who said,"Acting is happy agony".

Such oxymoronic phrases,making sense but at the same time not.Relating to me but at the same time dont.It's just so confusing,how i agree and disagree to the same thing.There is such a complexity in my thoughts,my troubling nights that i dont even know where to start,where to begin to actually...understand it.How to fall asleep again,the way i used to before August.That fateful August,why cant i just tear the pages off my diary and just join the ends?Like,connecting the ends i left untouched.Wouldnt that be a dream,a dream i actually long for.Something i hope to see,finally see,in a peaceful dream,when i really do fall asleep.When will that be,when will that be?

Wont you help fix me,Miss Duplicity.



Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And i will try...

To fix you.

---"Fix You" by Coldplay