Purple Hyacinth
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Purple Hyacinth
"...Forgive the unforgivable
Leave behind all the sorrows
So easy it is for you to say so
With those words that you borrowed..."
The lift rose,and i was nervous.My palms were sweaty,and i thought i felt my legs quiver just a little bit.In my hands,a bouquet of purple hyacinth.The scent of it filled the elevator,but all i could smell were my regrets,my guilt and my fears.
The wind was strong,as i rode down Route 77.It was my first day on my new bike,a cool new Baird ZX636.The sound of the engine roared as i sped on faster and faster.It felt good,liberating,almost as if i was flying.I found myself smiling to the freedom that i controlled,the fate that was in my hands.The feeling of absolute control over your life was exhilarating,and at that moment i shared it with my love.The love,Jennifer.
She held on tight behind my back,with her hands tight around my chest.With her chest on my back,i thought i felt her heartbeat beating faster as we made our way between trucks and cars,missing them by an inch or two every time.
"You sure this is okay?" Jennifer shouted over the roaring wind.
"Don't worry!" I yelled."I rode my brother's bike a couple of times,we're going to fine.Just enjoy the ride!"
Jennifer nodded,and rested her head back on my back.She adjusted in the seat,and for a moment there there were no cars,no trucks,no road at all.Just the two of us,in the moment together,as two individuals and one all at the same time.It was magical,as the world disappeared around us in a blur.
I reached the top,and the door opened.The corridor was brightly lid,a monotonous shade of taupe.Nurses paced up and down with clipboards in their hands,minding their own businesses.A man walked by,with a cart in his hands.He stared at me for a moment,and looked away when i spotted him.I dont know why,but at that moment i almost thought he looked right through me,the same feeling i had so many months ago when i woke up in the same hospital,and looked through the mirror for the first time.The bandaged face and the swollen lips,the broken arm and the bruised knee.I saw,beyond those,a wound within about to split open so wide,i swore at that moment that i wouldnt be able to live with myself ever again,ever the same.
We went around a bent,and barely missed an eighteen wheeler.Jennifer grasped onto my waist,as the truck blew it's horn right past our ears.I laughed,and she slapped me on my back.
"Dont do that again!" she yelled,and gave me another knock on my helmet.
"Comon',it's fun!Want to see me do it with no hands?"
"No it's not!And dont do that,please." Jennifer pleaded."Can we go back now?"
From the corner of my eyes i looked at her through the helmet.Her eyes were sad,and i thought i saw a hint of tears that glittered in the passing wind.I smiled,and reached back with my left hand and touched her smooth long hair.
"Okay,sure.Let's go back."
Room 408,the number tag on the door read.My hand reached for the knob,and hestitated.Behind the door,i thought.My everlasting guilt and regret laid.It was a simple task,to just push open the door and apologise.But that motion,that simple action to open that door and look at her straight in the eye,was even harder than climbing Everest.I felt weak,almost helpless as i stood alone in the doorway.The knob felt cold,too cold for my comfort.My nose felt sour,and i rubbed it away with the back of my hand.I trembled,and with a deep breath taken i opened the door.
Upon the bed,laid Jennifer.Oh,my Jennifer.She was in her most beautiful summer dress,the one her mother bought for her for her sixteenth birthday,i remember.The dress hung loosely upon her shoulder,and her neck glittered under the morning sun that was streaming in through the window.She was sound asleep,and from where i was i could hear her soft breathing.She looked peaceful,different from the last time i saw her.Scared,devastated,and most of all,the way her eyes pierced mine.That anger and that hate.
An Opel pulled up in front of us,driven by an old lady probably three times my own age.She was hunched before the wheel,all eyes upon the road before her.She was going at merely 40 miles an hour,and the road ahead was clearer than the skies above.I got irritated,and decided to go around her to the opposite lane.Just then,a car out of nowhere turned into the road and i was going too fast to brake.The car made an effort to swerve out of the way,but after a loud screech and a long blow of the car horn,i felt myself airborne.
What happened after the horn was a blur,but i felt myself flying through the air with the road beneath me.The glass of the car shattered,and i landed across the road into a bush after crashing through the tree.The rock at the foot of it knocked me out,and before i fell out of consciousness i looked in the direction of my bike,it was destroyed and smoking in the engines.Jennifer was nowhere to be seen,and as my eyes desperately looked for her around the clearing,everything turned into a blur,then black.
I walked up to her bed,unnoticed.Her bandages were gone,and her wounds healed over the months.I smiled,for she still looked so pretty,so beautiful.I wanted to touch her,but my heart held me back.I held my breath,afraid that my breath would wake her up.I was tensed,as i placed the bouquet of hyacinth on the table at the foot of the bed.
Just then,Jennifer opened her eyes.She groaned,and shielded her eyes to the morning sun.She turned her head,and saw me standing before her.My heart stopped,and my breath withdrawn.She looked hard,then harder,and for a moment i saw no expression whatsoever upon her face.Then,she spoke.
"Why are you here?"
"I am...here to see you,and apologise."
"Apologise?" she asked.
"Yes...i mean,i dont know..." i replied.
"You want to...apologise?" Jennifer said,almost whispering.
"I am sorry,Jen.I am so so sorry for what i have..."
Jennifer broke down right then.Her eyes welled up with tears,and they streamed down her cheeks.They glimmered in the morning sun,like her eyes as she looked upon me,the man she hated for so long.She choked,and with much effort she sat up in her bed.
"Get the fuck out of here.Now."
"But,Jen..." i replied.
"Get the fuck out of here right now!You fuck!Dont you fucking call me Jen,you piece of shit.Fuck off!" she yelled.
Jennifer reached for me,and grabbed hold of my jacket.She tugged it so hard that i almost fell towards her on the bed.I pulled myself back,and tried to pull her hands away.She reached for me again,but this time i was too far away.She leaned forward,and the weight of her body shifted off the side of the bed.Bang,and she sprawled on the floor with the blanket tangled up between her legs.Her hair now all over the place,and she wept softly on the floor.
"Get out...get out..." she repeated.
"Jen..." i said."Where is Jen?" i asked,as i grabbed the nurse by her collar.I stumbled as i walked,and the nurse kept holding me up.She wasnt answering my question,and i was desperate to get some.
"I need to find Jen!" i shouted,with guilt and desperation as it echoed down the corridor.
Jennifer sat up on the floor,and her hair was covering her face.Under those hair,she was crying so hard.Ever sob hit my heart like a sledge hammer,and i wanted so bad to wipe the tears off her face.But i knew,i knew that i shouldnt.But i wanted...i was in a dilemma.I felt so helpless,so fucking shameful.
Finally,Jennifer stopped crying.It was all quiet for a moment,and all we heard were the chirping of birds outside the window.I was silent,and she too was quiet.Then,she grabbed the arm of the chair by her side,and pulled with all her might.She groaned softly,using so much effort to do so at the same time.She lost her grip then,and she slipped back onto the floor.I went over to help her up,but she slapped my hands away.
"I said fuck...fuck...Why?Why did you have to appear again?Why did you...why are you so cruel,so evil?"
"I just.I just..." i stammered."I was just hoping that...maybe if i did something,if i do something right now,it might help you get on with your life..."
"Life?" Jennifer interrupted."What life are you talking about?Do you see me having a LIFE?I am lifeless,i am FUCKING CRIPPLED!What life are you talking about?"
I looked,ashamed and beaten up by her words.The words that rang through my head,and the same questions too that echoed around the walls of my room,the windows in my car,and even the coffee smelled like guilt and blood.For four months,i had to live with that,always under the dark grey clouds,hovering over my piece of sky.And now,before Jennifer in the hospital room,it started raining.
"Jen...i mean,Jennifer..." i said.
"Dont say my name.Dont you say my name."
"Okay,okay.If this is what you want.You can hate me,you can kill me a hundred times if you have to.You can drive a knife through my heart for all i care,but before you do so i need...i want to tell you.I never meant to do you wrong,i never wanted to harm you in any way.It was so long ago,and i figured if i remained at home,the way i did.If i never said the words that i want to tell you,it is going to threaten the life that it belongs to.The life,that shouldve been taken away on that fateful day.I regret and i beat myself up,every single minute of every single day,over that stupid mistake that i made.I hate myself,and i hate what i did.I am in a constant state of self-destruction,and i tell myself i she would just forgive me...forgive me for what i did to her,maybe it will be good again.Maybe my clouds were scatter,and there will be sun again."
"Jennifer...after that incident.After i got out of the hospital,i took my driving lessons.I passed,the very first time i tried.Remember that meadow i told you about?The one we were heading that day?It is still there,the birds and the trees.The river right next to it still flows from the hill in the distance,still cold and refreshing.At night,on the grass,you see a pepper-stray of stars,and every weekend i go there i want you too see them with me,so bad.So bad,Jennifer.And...i want you to see it with your own eyes..."
"You know my number,and here's my licence.I am not lying about it Jen,not this time.If you are ready,if you feel like it.Whenever you want,no matter how long it takes,give me a call on my number.I will be waiting,waiting for you as always.I will come back here and take you on that ride,the ride we never reached our destination.I promise,that when we reach the meadows,when i show you what i intended to show you,you can do whatever you want to me.But one thing,just one thing.Forgive me,Jen.Forgive me...I dont know how else to say it,but forgive me..."
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start...
"...Forgive the unforgivable
Leave behind all the sorrows
So easy it is for you to say so
With those words that you borrowed..."
The lift rose,and i was nervous.My palms were sweaty,and i thought i felt my legs quiver just a little bit.In my hands,a bouquet of purple hyacinth.The scent of it filled the elevator,but all i could smell were my regrets,my guilt and my fears.
The wind was strong,as i rode down Route 77.It was my first day on my new bike,a cool new Baird ZX636.The sound of the engine roared as i sped on faster and faster.It felt good,liberating,almost as if i was flying.I found myself smiling to the freedom that i controlled,the fate that was in my hands.The feeling of absolute control over your life was exhilarating,and at that moment i shared it with my love.The love,Jennifer.
She held on tight behind my back,with her hands tight around my chest.With her chest on my back,i thought i felt her heartbeat beating faster as we made our way between trucks and cars,missing them by an inch or two every time.
"You sure this is okay?" Jennifer shouted over the roaring wind.
"Don't worry!" I yelled."I rode my brother's bike a couple of times,we're going to fine.Just enjoy the ride!"
Jennifer nodded,and rested her head back on my back.She adjusted in the seat,and for a moment there there were no cars,no trucks,no road at all.Just the two of us,in the moment together,as two individuals and one all at the same time.It was magical,as the world disappeared around us in a blur.
I reached the top,and the door opened.The corridor was brightly lid,a monotonous shade of taupe.Nurses paced up and down with clipboards in their hands,minding their own businesses.A man walked by,with a cart in his hands.He stared at me for a moment,and looked away when i spotted him.I dont know why,but at that moment i almost thought he looked right through me,the same feeling i had so many months ago when i woke up in the same hospital,and looked through the mirror for the first time.The bandaged face and the swollen lips,the broken arm and the bruised knee.I saw,beyond those,a wound within about to split open so wide,i swore at that moment that i wouldnt be able to live with myself ever again,ever the same.
We went around a bent,and barely missed an eighteen wheeler.Jennifer grasped onto my waist,as the truck blew it's horn right past our ears.I laughed,and she slapped me on my back.
"Dont do that again!" she yelled,and gave me another knock on my helmet.
"Comon',it's fun!Want to see me do it with no hands?"
"No it's not!And dont do that,please." Jennifer pleaded."Can we go back now?"
From the corner of my eyes i looked at her through the helmet.Her eyes were sad,and i thought i saw a hint of tears that glittered in the passing wind.I smiled,and reached back with my left hand and touched her smooth long hair.
"Okay,sure.Let's go back."
Room 408,the number tag on the door read.My hand reached for the knob,and hestitated.Behind the door,i thought.My everlasting guilt and regret laid.It was a simple task,to just push open the door and apologise.But that motion,that simple action to open that door and look at her straight in the eye,was even harder than climbing Everest.I felt weak,almost helpless as i stood alone in the doorway.The knob felt cold,too cold for my comfort.My nose felt sour,and i rubbed it away with the back of my hand.I trembled,and with a deep breath taken i opened the door.
Upon the bed,laid Jennifer.Oh,my Jennifer.She was in her most beautiful summer dress,the one her mother bought for her for her sixteenth birthday,i remember.The dress hung loosely upon her shoulder,and her neck glittered under the morning sun that was streaming in through the window.She was sound asleep,and from where i was i could hear her soft breathing.She looked peaceful,different from the last time i saw her.Scared,devastated,and most of all,the way her eyes pierced mine.That anger and that hate.
An Opel pulled up in front of us,driven by an old lady probably three times my own age.She was hunched before the wheel,all eyes upon the road before her.She was going at merely 40 miles an hour,and the road ahead was clearer than the skies above.I got irritated,and decided to go around her to the opposite lane.Just then,a car out of nowhere turned into the road and i was going too fast to brake.The car made an effort to swerve out of the way,but after a loud screech and a long blow of the car horn,i felt myself airborne.
What happened after the horn was a blur,but i felt myself flying through the air with the road beneath me.The glass of the car shattered,and i landed across the road into a bush after crashing through the tree.The rock at the foot of it knocked me out,and before i fell out of consciousness i looked in the direction of my bike,it was destroyed and smoking in the engines.Jennifer was nowhere to be seen,and as my eyes desperately looked for her around the clearing,everything turned into a blur,then black.
I walked up to her bed,unnoticed.Her bandages were gone,and her wounds healed over the months.I smiled,for she still looked so pretty,so beautiful.I wanted to touch her,but my heart held me back.I held my breath,afraid that my breath would wake her up.I was tensed,as i placed the bouquet of hyacinth on the table at the foot of the bed.
Just then,Jennifer opened her eyes.She groaned,and shielded her eyes to the morning sun.She turned her head,and saw me standing before her.My heart stopped,and my breath withdrawn.She looked hard,then harder,and for a moment i saw no expression whatsoever upon her face.Then,she spoke.
"Why are you here?"
"I am...here to see you,and apologise."
"Apologise?" she asked.
"Yes...i mean,i dont know..." i replied.
"You want to...apologise?" Jennifer said,almost whispering.
"I am sorry,Jen.I am so so sorry for what i have..."
Jennifer broke down right then.Her eyes welled up with tears,and they streamed down her cheeks.They glimmered in the morning sun,like her eyes as she looked upon me,the man she hated for so long.She choked,and with much effort she sat up in her bed.
"Get the fuck out of here.Now."
"But,Jen..." i replied.
"Get the fuck out of here right now!You fuck!Dont you fucking call me Jen,you piece of shit.Fuck off!" she yelled.
Jennifer reached for me,and grabbed hold of my jacket.She tugged it so hard that i almost fell towards her on the bed.I pulled myself back,and tried to pull her hands away.She reached for me again,but this time i was too far away.She leaned forward,and the weight of her body shifted off the side of the bed.Bang,and she sprawled on the floor with the blanket tangled up between her legs.Her hair now all over the place,and she wept softly on the floor.
"Get out...get out..." she repeated.
"Jen..." i said."Where is Jen?" i asked,as i grabbed the nurse by her collar.I stumbled as i walked,and the nurse kept holding me up.She wasnt answering my question,and i was desperate to get some.
"I need to find Jen!" i shouted,with guilt and desperation as it echoed down the corridor.
Jennifer sat up on the floor,and her hair was covering her face.Under those hair,she was crying so hard.Ever sob hit my heart like a sledge hammer,and i wanted so bad to wipe the tears off her face.But i knew,i knew that i shouldnt.But i wanted...i was in a dilemma.I felt so helpless,so fucking shameful.
Finally,Jennifer stopped crying.It was all quiet for a moment,and all we heard were the chirping of birds outside the window.I was silent,and she too was quiet.Then,she grabbed the arm of the chair by her side,and pulled with all her might.She groaned softly,using so much effort to do so at the same time.She lost her grip then,and she slipped back onto the floor.I went over to help her up,but she slapped my hands away.
"I said fuck...fuck...Why?Why did you have to appear again?Why did you...why are you so cruel,so evil?"
"I just.I just..." i stammered."I was just hoping that...maybe if i did something,if i do something right now,it might help you get on with your life..."
"Life?" Jennifer interrupted."What life are you talking about?Do you see me having a LIFE?I am lifeless,i am FUCKING CRIPPLED!What life are you talking about?"
I looked,ashamed and beaten up by her words.The words that rang through my head,and the same questions too that echoed around the walls of my room,the windows in my car,and even the coffee smelled like guilt and blood.For four months,i had to live with that,always under the dark grey clouds,hovering over my piece of sky.And now,before Jennifer in the hospital room,it started raining.
"Jen...i mean,Jennifer..." i said.
"Dont say my name.Dont you say my name."
"Okay,okay.If this is what you want.You can hate me,you can kill me a hundred times if you have to.You can drive a knife through my heart for all i care,but before you do so i need...i want to tell you.I never meant to do you wrong,i never wanted to harm you in any way.It was so long ago,and i figured if i remained at home,the way i did.If i never said the words that i want to tell you,it is going to threaten the life that it belongs to.The life,that shouldve been taken away on that fateful day.I regret and i beat myself up,every single minute of every single day,over that stupid mistake that i made.I hate myself,and i hate what i did.I am in a constant state of self-destruction,and i tell myself i she would just forgive me...forgive me for what i did to her,maybe it will be good again.Maybe my clouds were scatter,and there will be sun again."
"Jennifer...after that incident.After i got out of the hospital,i took my driving lessons.I passed,the very first time i tried.Remember that meadow i told you about?The one we were heading that day?It is still there,the birds and the trees.The river right next to it still flows from the hill in the distance,still cold and refreshing.At night,on the grass,you see a pepper-stray of stars,and every weekend i go there i want you too see them with me,so bad.So bad,Jennifer.And...i want you to see it with your own eyes..."
"You know my number,and here's my licence.I am not lying about it Jen,not this time.If you are ready,if you feel like it.Whenever you want,no matter how long it takes,give me a call on my number.I will be waiting,waiting for you as always.I will come back here and take you on that ride,the ride we never reached our destination.I promise,that when we reach the meadows,when i show you what i intended to show you,you can do whatever you want to me.But one thing,just one thing.Forgive me,Jen.Forgive me...I dont know how else to say it,but forgive me..."
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start...
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on Saturday, March 18, 2006 at 10:43 PM.
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