Mystery Man
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Mystery Man
Lately i have been recieving complains from my friends,and probably from the angelic half of me as well.Come to think about it,they might just be right about me,something i havent had the time,or bothered to ponder about over the days.
A rather rude SMS from my friend calling me a "stupid bitch"(Haha),triggered this whole "Hmm,she might be right" thing inside.Come to think about it,i have been pretty closed up all my life,like this shadow in the corner.Yesterday night while having one of those Friday Night chats with a friend of mine,she too observed that im a rather secretive person.I have never considered myself one,not even close to being a mysterious person.
I asked her to rate from one to ten,how well she knows me.Ten being her boyfriend David,and one being Mr. Wong downstairs at the hawker who sells Rojak.She rated me at a six,and i wonder if that's a number worth celebrating.
Six is pretty damn pathetic,especially when you consider the person rating you a close friend.Then i started thinking,if i am really a bastard of a friend when it comes to sharing thoughts,feelings,secrets,all that stuff.It made me feel a little guilty,almost frustrated that i never thought about doing so for so long.
It is as if i owe my friends an apology,a sort of explanation about my close-up-ness.I dont know why,but i guess it's just in me.How i hate to talk about myself,my thoughts especially.I hate to repeat,despite my friend's assurance that it is okay to repeat like a broken recorder".You can say that now,but im sure one day,if i ever listen to your advice and start ranting limitlessly,you are going to stick your index and middle finger into my sockets and tear my eyeballs out.Because really,i have friends who are willing to pour their thoughts and emotions upon me like Tsunami over a 1km square island in the middle of the Indian Ocean,and it pisses me off when they do so.Not because i dont want to listen,but when they are repeating about the same old problems,same old woes,the same old bloody issues in their life it becomes seriously,absolutely,completely and utterly anger inducing.
So,putting myself in my friends' shoes,i decided to lock myself behind closed doors and digging a hole in the wall with a little hammer.To let the sun shine in once in a while and for me to check out the rest of the world.A comment made on Tom Cruise during an interview i saw online between Oprah and Letterman kinda suits my personality,i guess.Oprah commented on Tom that he tells you what he wants to tell you,and he hides from you what he wants to hide.And i guess,we both have our reasons to do so,however close we are to somebody,anybody.
I believe in a relationship,any relationship,you and a boy/girlfriend,you and your sister,brother or parents,or your neighbour.It always helps to have a secret or two to keep,something along the checklist of "About my Friend" that's still unchecked,a question mark.Just imagine yourself sitting by the beach,enjoying a cool night breeze with your boyfriend upon a bench.The moon is up,and above you a pepper-stray of stars.You turn around and look at your boyfriend,who was then staring out into the horizon blankly.You try to start a conversation,perhaps a romantic one.But you stumble,and you realise that you havent got anything to ask him because...you already know him inside out and upside down.
That's the end of the road,as far as verbal relationships go.
So,what i am saying is that if i reveal everything about myself to you,or vice versa,there will always be one point when we just shut down.When we havent got anything to say,to ask,to talk about to one another because you already know what he is going to say,what he is going to do,how he is going to react to your questions.What is the fun in that,or where is the surprise in a relationship like that.Isnt it kinda boring,in a way to know about somebody even before you are even closed to being a "happily married old couple"?I mean,happily married old couple have the right to say "Oh,i know about my significant other thorough".It wouldnt be senseless to say such a thing,because after all they've been together for a damn damn long time.
Ten points is the full mark,and i am four points short.But i am glad that i am merely a six in her mind.I am glad that,i have that four points still unrevealed,still questionable.By the time those four points are revealed,by the time she gets to know me better,i might have advanced to a fifteen or a twenty.All im saying is,i dont think there's any harm to keep things from friends,to let them know about things.You might be surprised,how much we can still talk about in five,ten years' time over a cup of coffee on a sunny Saturday afternoon.This is like a long-term investment of sorts,by not releasing too much information.
Despite those,i still feel a little guilty when i hide things,when i do not tell my friends certain things.It's almost as if i should tell them,when this urge inside tells me to just...SAY the god damn thing.But then again,i guess it feels good to keep a few secrets here and there,to keep my mouth shut about things.To be the mystery man in the crowd,who's there but not quite.
Did i just make myself sound like a bloody Marvel superhero?
Lately i have been recieving complains from my friends,and probably from the angelic half of me as well.Come to think about it,they might just be right about me,something i havent had the time,or bothered to ponder about over the days.
A rather rude SMS from my friend calling me a "stupid bitch"(Haha),triggered this whole "Hmm,she might be right" thing inside.Come to think about it,i have been pretty closed up all my life,like this shadow in the corner.Yesterday night while having one of those Friday Night chats with a friend of mine,she too observed that im a rather secretive person.I have never considered myself one,not even close to being a mysterious person.
I asked her to rate from one to ten,how well she knows me.Ten being her boyfriend David,and one being Mr. Wong downstairs at the hawker who sells Rojak.She rated me at a six,and i wonder if that's a number worth celebrating.
Six is pretty damn pathetic,especially when you consider the person rating you a close friend.Then i started thinking,if i am really a bastard of a friend when it comes to sharing thoughts,feelings,secrets,all that stuff.It made me feel a little guilty,almost frustrated that i never thought about doing so for so long.
It is as if i owe my friends an apology,a sort of explanation about my close-up-ness.I dont know why,but i guess it's just in me.How i hate to talk about myself,my thoughts especially.I hate to repeat,despite my friend's assurance that it is okay to repeat like a broken recorder".You can say that now,but im sure one day,if i ever listen to your advice and start ranting limitlessly,you are going to stick your index and middle finger into my sockets and tear my eyeballs out.Because really,i have friends who are willing to pour their thoughts and emotions upon me like Tsunami over a 1km square island in the middle of the Indian Ocean,and it pisses me off when they do so.Not because i dont want to listen,but when they are repeating about the same old problems,same old woes,the same old bloody issues in their life it becomes seriously,absolutely,completely and utterly anger inducing.
So,putting myself in my friends' shoes,i decided to lock myself behind closed doors and digging a hole in the wall with a little hammer.To let the sun shine in once in a while and for me to check out the rest of the world.A comment made on Tom Cruise during an interview i saw online between Oprah and Letterman kinda suits my personality,i guess.Oprah commented on Tom that he tells you what he wants to tell you,and he hides from you what he wants to hide.And i guess,we both have our reasons to do so,however close we are to somebody,anybody.
I believe in a relationship,any relationship,you and a boy/girlfriend,you and your sister,brother or parents,or your neighbour.It always helps to have a secret or two to keep,something along the checklist of "About my Friend" that's still unchecked,a question mark.Just imagine yourself sitting by the beach,enjoying a cool night breeze with your boyfriend upon a bench.The moon is up,and above you a pepper-stray of stars.You turn around and look at your boyfriend,who was then staring out into the horizon blankly.You try to start a conversation,perhaps a romantic one.But you stumble,and you realise that you havent got anything to ask him because...you already know him inside out and upside down.
That's the end of the road,as far as verbal relationships go.
So,what i am saying is that if i reveal everything about myself to you,or vice versa,there will always be one point when we just shut down.When we havent got anything to say,to ask,to talk about to one another because you already know what he is going to say,what he is going to do,how he is going to react to your questions.What is the fun in that,or where is the surprise in a relationship like that.Isnt it kinda boring,in a way to know about somebody even before you are even closed to being a "happily married old couple"?I mean,happily married old couple have the right to say "Oh,i know about my significant other thorough".It wouldnt be senseless to say such a thing,because after all they've been together for a damn damn long time.
Ten points is the full mark,and i am four points short.But i am glad that i am merely a six in her mind.I am glad that,i have that four points still unrevealed,still questionable.By the time those four points are revealed,by the time she gets to know me better,i might have advanced to a fifteen or a twenty.All im saying is,i dont think there's any harm to keep things from friends,to let them know about things.You might be surprised,how much we can still talk about in five,ten years' time over a cup of coffee on a sunny Saturday afternoon.This is like a long-term investment of sorts,by not releasing too much information.
Despite those,i still feel a little guilty when i hide things,when i do not tell my friends certain things.It's almost as if i should tell them,when this urge inside tells me to just...SAY the god damn thing.But then again,i guess it feels good to keep a few secrets here and there,to keep my mouth shut about things.To be the mystery man in the crowd,who's there but not quite.
Did i just make myself sound like a bloody Marvel superhero?
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on Saturday, March 11, 2006 at 4:39 PM.
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