In Continuum.

A Dark Place on a Rainy Day

Once upon almost every mornin
I woke up to find her flying in
Hummingbird was making blurs with
Blue and wings of purple in the air

All the while,
I was trying to keep her there
Now I'm man enough to leave
Man enough to always care

Hummingbird
Hummingbird
Thats song I heard
That's my hummingbird

I think it was Tuesday morning if i got the day right,when we pulled down our camo nets and got ready for our very first mission.It was,for some reason,delayed and we had to wait along this muddy dirt road for the river crossing operation.As we were roaming around the sides of the vehicle it started pouring down all of a sudden,with the morning sun still hanging lazily in the eastern sky.

The bunch of us leaped into the vehicle,and initially we wanted to shield ourselves with a ground sheet spread over the trooper hatch.But the rain got too bad and furious,with the top of the ground sheet soon filling up with water.It flowed over the sides,and we were forced to dump that idea and hop into the vehicle itself.With a loud bang,the hatch doors were closed shut,with the guys under the hatch drenched like a wet rat.

The rain went on and on,and soon enough it was as if the rain was never going to stop.I remember those freaky rainstorms back in the school days,when they used to last for more than a week straight.I wonder if that is going to happen that day,if the rations in the vehicle is going to last the eleven of us that long.

It was surprisingly dark in the vehicle,with the hatches closed like that.The only light came from the small periscopes in the driver's compartment.The rest of the vehicle was veiled in darkness,only the edges of the guys' face illuminated by the bars of light floating through the periscopes,with dust particles dancing and shooting around through those bars like stars.

The storm raged on outside,and the time passed by like a slug in the rain.An hour,then two,and three,and the lot of us were already growing moulds under our shirts and having difficulty breathing.It was so crammed up,our knees started to hurt,and the only way to forget about the pain was for the lot of us to sleep,or rather try to sleep in the cover of the dark.

So it was me,the one and only person left standing after awhile.A soft snoring came from next to me,with the breathing of others steadily going on around myself.The rain kept hitting the sides of the vehicles,beating down hard and mercilessly.I heard the thunder far off,and occasionally the light from outside the periscope turned into a threatening shade of bright blue and purple.The thunders lasted for longer than usual,like encores of a concert unwilling to end.I sat there in the dark vehicle,with my knees squeezed up and staring into nothingness,i started thinking about...well,the usual.Again.

Remembering the love for rain,you and myself.I remember telling myself,"Hey,way to go.You didnt think about her today,perhaps it's a step forward finally",forgetting the irony by thinking that i didnt think of her at all,made myself think of her all over again.Or the times when i am so pre-occupied by things,only to be reminded of things when it starts to drizzle or rain.The small needle-hair kind,the slanted painful ones,the ones that appear and disappears,the ones in the sun.Any sort of rain,as long as they fall from the skies,every drop of those,always reminding me.Always remembering.

But that day's rain was rather different.Maybe it was the fact that i couldnt exactly see it going on,or maybe the fact that rain water was leaking through the gaps in the hatch doors,and drenching half of my uniform.But right then,when i thought that i am going to be reminded of you again,i didnt.Instead,i was thinking more about the state of this relationship that we have.

It is a common misconception that the word "relationship" between a boy and a girl would usually relate to an "attached status" kinda thing.I am having a lot of relationships right now.With friends,with bunkmates,with the neighbour next door,or even that security guard downstairs.I mean,relationships are like bridges between two people,or even a bunch of people,and how they are related,right?It doesnt necessarily need to have a boy and a girl,being together to actually HAVE a relationship.Similarly,it doesnt need to be in a state of bliss and happiness in order to say that you are currently in a relationship.Like mine,it's currently in a mess,really.It's hardly a relationship,but i guess in a way the fact that we HAD some sort of connections,makes this connection-less connection,a relationship.Did that make sense?

The storm reminded me of the state i am in now.Raging,and the echoing of the rage reaching far off into the sky and within the clouds,as if it is unwilling to just dissipate into the storm.I found myself telling myself the same things over and over,and to some others to a point whereby i am sick of myself sometimes.I mean,like army,the way i hate to tell it to people outside of camp.I just hate to come across as this whining bloody son of a bitch,sulking about the same issues over and over.They are like echos,like me saying the same things over and over,going on and on,like this bloody blog entry.

It's dark in here,only the light coming from the periscopes.Guess that's the exact replication of my hopes.Small little ray of light in a dark place,still holding on only because of thise stupidity that i hold so dear for some strange unexplainable reason.However much i despise stupidity in people,guess at times we commit the same mistakes we swore to.Why do we always give hopes to things,are we praying for miracles?What does this little light from the periscopes represent,even for me?Does it show clearly,my hopes and dreams,or stupidity?Does it shine clearly,or darkly?

Just because I said I didn't want it
Doesn't mean I want her to go
In fact I quite depended on it
But i didnt want her to know

Now that she is gone that I,
All the while, I was trying to keep her there
Now I'm man enough to leave
Man enough to always care

Hummingbird
Hummingbird
Thats song I heard
That's my hummingbird

Hummingbird...
Hummingbird...