In Continuum.

The Saddest Sad

"...The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, "No, I'm happy for you?" That's when it's really sad..."

--- John Mayer

It's hard for so many people,how everybody stands up to the onslaught of emotions.When it bites,when it really takes its bite into your skin,forming teeth marks deep into your flesh,how long can you tolerate the pain?How long can you hold yourself together,and not scream out loud?How long can you take this,before you break down,and into pieces?

Tolerance was never something i associated with myself back then.I mean,my mother used to tell me how bad tempered i was when i was a kid.I vaguely remember some of her stories though,but one of them i particularly remembered vividly.I recall having this set of toy train,and that the tracks were green.They were supposed to be joined together,one of those DIY toys my mother bought for me.I tried to make it work,but the way the tracks kept squeaking on the wooden flooring pissed me off so badly that i started crying.It was over such a trivial thing,and i blew up in front of the camera my dad was apparently holding.I even have the photograph to prove it,and no i am not posting it.

My mother used to tell me that if i continue to be so pissed off over little things,the veins in my neck and forehead will swell out so much that it bursts.Of course,death is usually the final threat but i couldnt control my anger back then.I was like Hulk,but without the clothes ripping action and skin-colour tone changing trick.I was,in fact,a kid with anger management problems.Of course,that had everything to do with the fact that i couldnt control my emotions.Not just anger,of course,but so many other things as well.

I wont say that NS hadnt done anything for me.Of course,it's not like i've been this angry kid all my life right up to the point when i got enlisted.But the fact that NS,in nature,is intolerant towards intolerance(Wow,that sounded rather oxymoronic didnt it?),i learnt to control my emotions rather well.There is of course,the fact that getting yourself into a fight will eventually end you up in DB.Guess i learnt a lot from NS,in terms of tolerance.I've pride myself in the fact that i've been able to hold my head up high at the lowest points of my life.The ups and downs,the sliding down from the crescendo,everything.I've been able to tolerate those,it seems.Hold myself together,dust myself off and move on with life,always looking on the bright side of it.You might call it a dumbing down of sense,how the regimental life of it all is making me dull,incapable of feeling anything,anymore.Perhaps that is the reason,the true reason why i havent shed a tear before.I tried to reason with myself,maybe it is the fact that i am still in shock,in disbelief.Or perhaps,it's just the dulled senses inside me,the way i dont feel,cant feel anything anymore.

But what if this is not as simple as it seems,sometimes i ask myself.I do not believe in this sort of change,i dont believe NS has such great powers over my emotions.After all,if it does i wouldnt even be here blogging about it would i?Before NS i was so afraid that i might lose this side of me,the emotional side.I remember telling my mother on the car ride to camp one day,that i felt like a Tin Man.Feeling emotional about not being emotional.Isnt it strange?Did that make sense?

As of late,though,that thought came rushing back to me.It's not because of NS,for i have already tuned myself to the fuckedupness of it all.It is of course,back to square one.It's always about her,isnt it.Everything that you do,everything that you say,reminds you of her in so many ways.It pisses me off,it really does,that my will is not as strong as it used to be.She's always coming back to me,and it sucks to think it is never enough,even the mere thought of her.

It is true,that the saddest sort of sad is the kind of sad that tries not to be sad.John Mayer nailed it right there for me,and i finally realised what i have been feeling for so long.Nothingness,the way i have convinced myself that i am not totally sad,depressed,devasted by the situation.Of course,i was in so many ways,the above.But i guess i am just telling myself to feel that way,and not exactly FEELING that way myself,on my own accord.Why do i tell you in my mind,that i am happy for you when i really am not?It's just the sadness acting upon me,telling me to tell you that i am happy for you.Do i truly feel that way,is that what i truly want to tell you,in truth?

I think when you are in that sort of situation,when the saddest sort of sad bugs you,when you are holding yourself together for so long and you realise the truth,there is bound to be a point when you explode and break down.I wonder if i have crossed that state,if i am over and done with that already.

Thinking back,i have been trying to be strong for myself,for the people around me.I havent been bringing the topic up voluntarily.Always the people around me asking about it,and i tell them how i feel about this whole thing.But it sucks,it really does,when in truth you dont want to be such a strong individual.Sometimes,you dont want to be strong,because you just want to break down,you want to have a shoulder to lie on because your neck hurts,your heart hurts,everything pains you.

People are breaking down everywhere.Once in awhile,you see your friends,sad MSN nicknames or blog entries.Even the girl at the side of the road,burying her face in Kleenex,with the world around her fleeting past,wondering how come nobody is feeling her pain,or perhaps it's just not pain enough?I've always been there,or at least tried to be there for them.To be the strong one,the stronger one,to be the support.But it tires me,it makes me so exhausted to pretend,to act,to fake my strength because i am not what i am,who i pretend to be in this bloody play.I want to join these people,join the club of sadness and just cry together with everybody.

But i cant,i just cant.Have i been robbed of my ability to feel,for you?Guess i am lost again,though i was once upon a time found.Found by you,remember?In the MRT station.That was the first word i ever uttered to you,face to face."You found me",i said,as you smiled.Guess i am losing my grip tonight,losing my grip these days.It will be okay again in the morning,im sure.It will be brighter again in the day,when everything is back to normal and fine.But what does that mean,what does that mean fundamentally.Does the problem fade with the rising sun,the fleeting world?Or does it still exist,in this graveyard of emotions where everything is dead and the only growth present is the growth of death,the smell of it all?

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me