In Continuum.

Lost Tales

In loving memory of my ex-wife.You were my friend,mentor,listener,and so much more.

I got half a smile and zero shame
I got a reflection with a different name
Got a brand new blues I can't explain
Who did you think I was?

A couple of years down the road,i am going to visit this blog and find myself incredibly dumb.That's the truth,and to my future self: Just when you think the present ME hadnt thought about the possibility of your,downgrading me to being an absolute idiot of the past,i HAVE considered that.But i have to remind you,future self,that we all have phases.I'm sure when you are sixty,we are sixty,we are both going to be dumb to that old hag.So spare me on your cynicism for a second,how's that?

Anyway,the reason i know that that future self is going to come back and judge me is because,i did that to my old self only an hour ago.I revisited my old blog,and found myself laughing to the level of stupidity written all over.I saw my very first post,and it was something about me starving my intestines out...something along that very strange,twisted line and mind.I dont know what i was thinking,to be totally honest with you.I guess this whole blogging thing,back then,was rather impulsive.I still think it is,in fact every entry is rather impulsive.But i guess i just love the randomness of it all,how impulsive everything seems,how they are going to seem,ten twenty years down the road.That is,of course,if blogspot still exists.

Every mornin when the day begins
I make up my mind but change it back again
I'm a shifter of the shape I'm in
Who did you think I was?

Let me give you a little mental picture of how i was like,back in the days when i first started blogging.I remember reading about blogs,how people started writing their diaries online,and read a couple of my friends' blogs as well.I never thought much about it,since my only decent diary attempt lasted for about a week.That's true,honest to God.It was in my Goosebumps notebook,which i bought from a Primary School friend of mine for three dollars.He got it from a trip to Australia actually,and though i hate to say this,but man you were dumb to sell me at that kind of price.Sorry dude.

You got my number but I always knew the score
Who did you think I was?

So the idea of blogging was left aside for some time.That is the case,even after i actually started blogging.It was some time in the month of July,back in 2003.It was after school and i remember myself sitting before the computer,wondering just what the hell am i supposed to type in that big white box now staring at me throw the monitor.The cursor was blinking so eagerly for something to be typed,almost as if it was begging me to type something meaningful,something honest,or perhaps at that time it didnt care anymore.'Anything at all!',i almost heard it screaming at me.

So that childish,dim-witted me typed something about my empty stomach.Great,the very first post of your long blogging career,you use it up typing about your bloody starvation one July afternoon.It couldve been so much better,so much greater than it was.I'm just glad that the link to my old blog is removed from this one.It's such a shameful thing,now that i think of it.Sure,i placed my heart and soul into that blog.But it's like an old saliva stained pillow of yours,that favourite bolster.You love it so much you dont really want people to see it.Not because people might get jealous of it,but rather the possibility that they might point fingers at you,and comment on how backward accelerating you are in terms of mental growth.

Am I the one who plays the quiet songs
Is He the one who turns the ladies on
Will I keep shinin til my light is gone
Who did you think I was?

I still remember myself back then,that hideous creature lurking around school with an ugly Hayers bag.I dont know what drove me out of my house back then,but with the present mentality and the way i dressed back then,i wouldve never gotten myself out of the house,even if my father decides to hire a dozen construction site workers and bulldoze me out.That wouldnt have been possible,because i had a had full of...well,strictly speaking,those werent hair at all.I remember a barber commenting that i had holes in my hair,as if the previous barber was drunk from a night of heavy drinking,and decided to run his scissors through my hair without actually giving a shit about the end result.

That was how bad i was,how much i lacked self-consciousness.I dont think it has got anything to do with vanity,really.In fact,it is a courteous to go out of your house,and look decent,right?I mean,it is only courteous to make yourself look okay,soothing to the eyes of people.At least you are not going to be an eye sore to the passerbys,like some third eye on your forehead or something.

Mentality wise i was a dumbass.I wonder what went through my head other than absolutely nothing.I was a downright schmuck,i must say.I dwelt over the same problem for way to long,so long that i was sick of it,and didnt even realise it.It became something like a norm,something out of my everyday life.It seemed to me,that if i did not blog about it,i wouldnt have had anything else to blog about.

I'd like to talk about the evolution of my blog as well.It started out with a plain black template,somewhat like the current one i am using.Then it moved on to a plain white one,which i was dumb enough to destroy with my own try-ons of HTML.It was a horrendous effort,and from that very day on i swear that i am an expert in checking e-mails on the computer,and nothing more than that.

I dont think that i have progressed very much in terms of computer knowledge,but at least right now i KNOW that i suck at certain things.There is a difference between confidence and egoism,i always tell people.Confidence is when you know what you are good at,and what you are bad at.And by knowing that,you execute your everyday lives accordingly.Now,being egoistic is absolutely different.You think that you know everything,but you dont.You realise,and your acknowledge the fact that you are not the smartest man alive,but instead of facing up to the music,you live in an absolute state of denial.Like a frog in a well,the sky's always as big as the well's willing to reveal to you.

I have come a long way in terms of my blogging career.I am just glad how much i have grown with each entry.700+ entries later,right now i am sitting in my room typing this new entry of mine at 12.28am,with John Mayer's "The Hurt" softly playing over the speakers,i truly feel the difference inside of me,this difference now looking back at the old days,back at the lost tales,when everything seemed so squeaky clean and innocent.When i was so bloody immature and blinded.

I'd like to also take this opportunity to thank the readers of both the old blog and the new,the passerbys and the old friends.I dont think that i couldve had the drive to go on writing,if not for the support of you guys in cyberspace and out of it.You guys were like the pushing arms behind my bag,behind every single entry that i have.And without the constant blogging,i dont think i wouldve came this far in my life.

It is therapeutic,i always say about blogging.And it is true,it is true.You grow with it,and it grows on you.

Here is a line that you won't understand
I'm half of the boy but twice the man
Carry the weight of the world in the palm of my hand
Who did you think I was?