In Continuum.

Waltz Me to Death, Why Don't You?

The door was locked,and the windows shut.The fan was spinning and so was the air-conditioning,softly blowing.My eyes rolled back for a while,buried my face into palms,and pushed myself away from the computer table,upon the wheels under chair.Standing up in the middle of the room,i stared one last time at the brightly lid monitor,with the cursor still blinking and the songs still playing.The soft sound of my sister's fingers on the other side of the wall could be heard through the locked door of my room,but i took no heed of her presence then,because i couldnt hold it back even if i tried.

I screamed.Like Zach Braff upon a broken yellow crane,like V upon the burning rubble of Larkhill,like Jim Carrey upon the breaking ice above the lake in Montauk,i screamed.

I really did,i really really did.I bet my sister fell off her chair back then.I bet my parents woke up from their beds then,because i doubt if the music or the door blocked out the scream.It echoed for a split of a second,but in my skull it kept going on and on until i closed the window.

I've got to go.
You always seem to be in a hurry whenever i talk to you.Or is that the case for you everyday,nowadays?
No,I'm just tired.
Oh yes,you had church this morning,didn't you?
I really am.
Sorry to have troubled you,then.Please go to sleep,and not on the floor.Like you used to.
Goodnight.

A scene repeated in my head then,thinking back on the movie i just watched with my parents in the livingroom,V for Vendetta.There are over eight hundred songs on V's jukebox.Though he has listened to them all,he has never danced to the songs with anybody before.So he dearly wished,that before the fifth of November,Evie would dance with him for just one time,one last time.

And that was the song that played on my computer then,how coincidental.The exact same song from the soundtrack,right on cue as i ran my finger through my hair and down my face,scratching my skin with my freshly cut fingernails,drawing red lines and not blood down my face.Cat Power,that's her name.I shall not forget,i shall not forget your name.You got me all misty-eyed,what a great song.A great song...

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

And you'd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come

I ran my fingers over the keyboards and typed.I tried hard,but four lines appeared on the screen.That was it,merely four lines appeared,as the result of my moving fingers and the sound of breaking underneath my chest.There it is again,as i type this entry,and every passing letter it's shattering and cracking,like thin ice over waters.That's all i could say then,that's all i can say right now.Encompassing inside,anguish and grief,anger and utmost sufferings...

She stabs me with her emptiness
She, whom i hold dear
She stabs me with her lovelessness
So deep I'm bleeding tears

It didnt help that Thom Yorke from Radiohead was up next on the playlist,nor did it help that in the song it had your name.No it didnt,because like the lyrics you did it again.You did it again,with what was sang,or the lack thereof.To the beat and tune of the song,i turned off the light in my room and left the lamp on.I danced to myself,but only in my mind.Hugging a body that doesnt exist,imaginary and cold.The guitar strummed,the beating of the drums,the dullness of the bass,the broken voice of Thom,i fucking died...

I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.

Kill me Sarah,
kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
'cause i'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

The head of state has called for me by name
but I don't have time for him.
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
'cause i'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

We are standing on the edge.