In Continuum.

One Whole

With the lights off and the dogs barking in the distance,the bunk where i sleep in sinks into a rather creepy mood,as the lot of us snore softly away into the night.After the lights go off,and the clock on WeiJie's shoe cabinet slowly ticking,that is when everybody truly gets a state of peace in their head.That is when,everybody can breathe the smell of their blankets and pillow cases,and tell themselves,"One day is over,screw tomorrow!"

That is roughly how the bunk might look like at night,if you were to turn down the window panes at the front of the room and take a peek in.One fateful night this week,i was sound asleep in my own bed,minding my own business dreaming about monsters and dragons(literally),and at the front of the room sat Mr. Kenneth Kwan in that red chair of his,with his back to the window,reading his long overdue in the dark,with the light from the corridor shining in through the panes.He's that sort of person,risking his eyeballs for a couple of more pages from the book he is reading.

So there he was,alone in the dark,and as he peeked above the pages of the book he was reading,he surveyed the bunk and breathed a sigh of relief.That sigh,was not for the silence that resonated across the four walls,but rather how complete the picture before his eyes was.The way every bed was filled by somebody,a certain individual that he has gotten to know over the past two years.And with the end of our own individual journeys coming to an end,with the days of our eventual goodbyes ticking off the boxes on a calendar,he acknowledges and realises the fact that nothing is going to be the same again,the way this bunk is at that very moment,with the beds filled with his friends,probably drooling on their pillows or mumbling gibberish in their dreams.

Zen's going to be the first to leave that bunk.September 30th,that lucky bastard.While the rest of us is going to rot slowly in camp,he's going to be out there,tasting the air of freedom and trotting the field of liberty,probably cursing the two years of imprisonment and life wasted.Sure,we all have our own dates to look forward to,the way all our calendars,be it the traditional type or the ones in handphones,have our ORD dates circled or captioned.Personally,i have December the 9th circled in my notebook,and under it in bold," ORD/SALVATION!"

As November comes,another bunch of people are going to leave us again,and this time the scale is going to be a little bigger.And as Kenneth and I reviewed the process where the beds are going to empty one by one,he revealed to me the tint of sadness that was in him,the way everybody is going to leave one by one,just like that.I tried to tell him that it's all part of life,that one stage's end is another's beginning,and that is the way things are going to work,even till the day of your eventual death.But that didnt get into the thick Gemini skull of his apparently,and he went a little hysterical afterwards.

I get what he meant though,the way the bunk is never going to be one whole again.You know,how we are groupl according to classes,CCA groups,or bunks in our school lives or military lives,individual groups that make up small 'wholes',and cumulatively they make up this big family that we grow to get used to over a period of time.He asked me if i ever had that sensation on the last day of school,back in my school days.I dont recall,i told him,that i ever had that sensation.Probably not as strong as his back then as we were discussing it of course.Which is a sad thing,because i've always told people that i am a sentimentalist,that i treasure the past and all that jazz.But in truth,when it comes to the departure of all the people so familiar to me,the people whom i have ground to get used to,i seem to become this hopeless-romantic somehow,and no longer that sentimentalist i've claimed myself to be.

I think our school days officially,and usually,ends with the last paper of a major examination.Be it in Primary School,Secondary School or JC,all three stages of my school life ended with the last paper of a major exam.I remember Secondary School's last paper was Amaths,and when the call was given for us to leave the hall,Guan Ming let out a loud wail of freedom that got him into trouble with the dicipline master,which was a dumbass thing to do,but it sure turned heads and caught stares.

The end of JC was on a totally different note,because the last paper werent something i was very proud of.In fact,the whole A levels,to me,was such a daunting experience that when somebody suggested that maybe i should retake the exams,i turned down the idea immediately.I dont know,i guess it was just too big a wave for me to surf through again,simply because i couldnt take the crash upon my head.

The last day of JC had me walking down the steps of the grand stand with my wind breaker,and my iPod stuck to my ears.It was raining on that day,and i was probably the first out of the hall then.I didnt want to compare answers,and i didnt stay too long for pointless chatters.I left the hall quickly,fearing that the answers i hear are not going to be the same as my own.Worse,to find out,in definite,that my answers were wrong.I hated to be proven wrong,despite the fact that i knew how badly i did for the papers.The last day of JC,to me,was more of a relief than a day of goodbyes and farewells.Besides,there was the prom coming up,which technically marks the end of JC and the life beyond.Of course,at that time i didnt know how horrid the prom was going to turn out to be.

Anyway,so i am answering your question Kenneth: No,i dont think i have ever felt sad or depressed,over the departure of the people in my lives.Of course,we are assuming that 'death' and or any other forms of permanent departures are involved.It is sad to think that i havent been sad on those days,when i should have been feeling that way,when i had the right to feel that way i guess.I dont know,it mightve been the way my JC class turned out that made me feel relieved that i was leaving it.That's because i firmly believe that any kind of society can never be sustained by the majority of either of the sexes.In the case of my class,with 15 girls and 5 guys,it was impossible to have any sort of peace and harmony.Seriously,it turned out to be so chaotic and political,the end of the examinations also marked the end of the released of the caged birds.Cage birds,like myself.

So here we are at the shores of the sea,with the horizon in the distance.The sun is setting,and the sparkles on the ocean surface glittered like diamonds strewned across a deep blue carpet.Am i going to feel any different from the rest of the farewells?I have no idea,to be totally honest.I treasure,and i appreciate the beauty of this whole,this 'complete-ness',if such a word exists.

But this time round,it is rather different from the other years though.You know how in year books and autograph books,friends used to write stuff like,"Oh,we've been through the thickest and the thinnest..." yada yada yada.Well,that is if you consider exams to be the thickest aspect of your life.But in the army it is a totally different story."Thick and Thins" isnt something you place at the end of a farewell speech,just because people do that with farewell speeches,or because it is part of a template.In the army,when somebody say "Thick and Thins",it means more than just obstacles and difficulties,but blood and sweet,tears and joy.Because really,i've went through so much with these guys,that i dont even know if the separation of them with myself is going to tear a hole in my heart...or not.

The truth,shall be revealed at the very end of my own journey,seventy odd days from now.I imagine myself dragging my daffel bag down the staircase and signing the book out book for the last time.My friends on the second storey staring down with a tad bit of jealousy and perhaps,anger too.Right then,as i step out of the gates of the camp,i shall remember the feeling that i get in my heart,then revist this blog to register than emotion.But before then,i guess this is all i have to say,considering the 'whole' that is about to be sliced apart.