In Continuum.

Purity

Horoscopes are something you take reference to,like the guide lines they have in books you study for driving tests.You learn those by heart before the actual test,but that doesnt necessarily mean that by the time you get yourself a licence,and you are crusing down the road somewhere in Singapore,you are going to be tracked down and fine if you break a rule or two.I think those rules,some of them anyway,are mere references,what they say in the book doesnt dictate your life,like horoscopes.

I think as a Cancer person,i have traits of every horoscope inside of me.Which is rather strange,because that makes me kind of screwed doesnt it?Well,i think a large part of me is rather Gemini in nature,and i will tell you why.

While having a conversation with Kenneth Kwan one fine evening,i think the topic of horoscopes sort of came into the talk.Him,being a Gemini,spoke of how he wanted to learn everything there is to learn,this everlasting thirst for knowledge inside of him,like a sponge inside a bucket of water.The latest venture into the world of the unknown in terms of knowledge,for him,is the world of paintings.I'm not objecting to this of course,but you dont need to read up about it just because you were 'inspired' by some paintings at the free galleries over at Esplanade,you know.

'The jack of all trades,the master of none',was his conclusion of Gemini people.He mentioned that despite the thirst for knowledge,he doesnt have the commitment to completely indulge himself in the learning process.It's like on Boxing day,the morning after Christmas.You rush down the stairs,so eager to see what Santa(Or,Dad)left you under the Christmas Tree.You play with the toy truck,and about a minute later you are banging Power Range action figures into one another.The next minute,you are out in the yard playing catch with your Dad(Or,Santa).My point is,that whichever seat you choose to take on this bus,driving down the road of knowledge,Gemini people doesnt have the determination to go on.

Which brings me to my point(Finally).Tuesday night was Nights Off,and Kenneth Kwan,Jonathan and I found ourselve at the bus stop with the Holy Man: Chiah You Sheng.Not the best person to start a conversation with,since everything leads back to him being an oddball of the company,his pimples,his unshaved chin or his religion.Everything leads back to those,and it was Kenneth Kwan who started the vicious ball of anger rolling when he asked the question,"What is your purpose in life?"

Him,being the Holy Man,his purpose was of course,to serve God.Which was an interesting situation because right then in the bus stop,there were four different people with radically different religious beliefs.There was him,the Holy Man.There was Kenneth Kwan,the free-thinker.There was Jonathan,the pure athest(Whose purpose in life,by the way,is money),and there i was with my shoulder against the pillar,the agnostic man.

But strictly speaking,as i pondered over my own believes,i dont think i am being truly agnostic either.I subconcious ask God questions,and i have my own conversations with the Big Man.But then again i am a 'science' kind of person,and relies heavily on physical evidences for a certain level of faith and believes.That places me in the very blurry and questionable region,somewhere between being an atheist and being agnostic.I think purity is the problem here,something which i lack.If you open my mind up you are probably not going to get a room with a white wash of paint,with white tiles and furnitures in the 'Personality' department.Because seriously,i think though i have a certain clarity of things,i havent the purity that is supposed to come with it.

I'm like the drop of blood in a glass of milk,or chocolate chips in vanilla.I am not the sort of person who might taste very pure,if made into bottles of milk sold at NTUC or frozen into boxes of ice-creams at Haegen Daaz.I think,in so many aspects,i am mixed up,like the food they sell at hawker centres everywhere: Rojak.

Take being semi-autistic,for example.For some reason i think a part of me is autistic,or perhaps a split-personality issue.But arent autistic people supposed to be mathematical geniuses,or musical prodigies,stuff like that?I am none of the above,but rather the Jack of all of them,the master of none.Mathematicatic is naturally not my forte,and though i play the guitar and a couple of John Mayer songs,i wont consider myself,in any way,good.Okay,perhaps just above average good,but then again,it is so easy to reach my stage in terms of skills.It's all in the repetition in things,and if you keep going at it,keep practising you are going to find yourself in my postion sooner or later.Like i always say to my friends,"It is easy to be a good guitarist,but impossible to be great.Which is why it makes Jimi Hendrix,SRV,Clapton,great".

I have a serious problem with the lack of purity.I dont blame my parents to have a standard way of thinking for me to follow since i am young.Because really,i should thank them for the freedom they gave me,never dictating what i should belief,whatsoever.But then again,later on in life,you find yourself in grey areas in religion,personalities,you wonder if you have loss your identity somewhere along the path of life.It's not something that is going to bring me down sure,but it sure is going to make me wonder if this is a good thing,to be in the realm of the unknown and not exactly sure if the land you have you feet on is solid enough to last you for the rest of your life.As much as i think that it is important to have a certain stand at something,to have a strong believe at certain aspects of life,i start to wonder if being sure in an unsure zone is being...well,sure?

Andrew Largeman,"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone."
Sam,"I still feel at home in my house."
Andrew Largeman,"You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."