In Continuum.

Living With Me

"...The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one..."

--- Wilhelm Stekel

Chain letters,i think at some points of our lives,we were all a little,if not totally involved in these chain letters.First,they start off with questionaires,asking you the dumbest questions.What did you eat today?Who was the last person you talked to?When was the last time you cried?Have you ever fell in love?And my favourite,have you ever went skinny-dipping?

The truth is,no matter how many times we've done those dumb questionaires,whenever a friend decides to send that to you once again,you'll do it all over because...well,i dont think anybody knows why,really.I dont think to let somebody out there know what colour underwear you are wearing,is your idea of communication and interaction.Nor is it probable that your desire to let others know what you ate for lunch is the true reason why you answer those dumb questions over and over again.The worst sin perhaps,is to forward them to your unsuspecting friends.The chain mail goes on,the viscious cycle continues,the Lord of Spam wins.

But that is not the point of my entry here.I vaguely remember a question asked,in one of the very few interesting chain mails i recieved a long time ago.The question was: Do you think can tolerate yourself?

I answered that question without actually thinking too much about it.Of course,it was a bloody chain letter,who wouldve given more than five seconds of thought to each question?Let's admit it,if you spent more than five seconds pondering over the answer to a question,you are either mentally challenged,or mentally challenged.I'm sorry,but you brain is as good as peanut butter,only worse.

Anne Frank once said that,the difference between herself and the rest of the residence in the Secret Annexe was that she was able to look at herself from a third person point of view.Which means,that she was able to 'evaluate' herself in a way,and be critical about her actions,and the words she said.And i think that that is such an admirable quality,so easily proclaimed and yet,neglected in one's self-evaluation.The truth is,we are always who we want to be,and not who we actually are.You seldom find mistakes in yourself,but rather the fault in others.It is hard to look at yourself through someone else's eyes,but the least we can do is try.

I can't say that i have the ability to detach myself like Anne Frank,stare at myself through the mirror and talk as if i have met the reflection for the first time.The truth is,i cant do such a thing,and no matter how much i try,i can only do so much.This is the entry where i evaluate myself,and the truth is,'myself' sucks.

Takes four days to get to like me
But two to wanna leave
But the part that really gets me
Are all the moments in between
Now I lie to get a little
And laugh at every little thing
She's high on information
But now I'm low on self-esteem

Do not be fooled by the above quote.I am not low on self-esteem or whatever.In fact,this entry has not affected it in any way.But the first two lines really struck a chord for me,to be somebody as interesting as...well,that.

You put me in a room with you,and we start up a chat.Imagine yourself now in a cafe and i am sitting there minding my own business,while you are minding your own.I come over and have a chat,saying that the book in your hand is a great one,and that the twist at the very end elevated it to be the top of my "Favourite Books" chart.You are finding me interesting,you might find me intriguing,but that is only for the first hour probably.The next hour things are probably going to go downhill,and from then on you just want to be rid of yourself,of me.

We stretch that time span to reality.If you get to know me for say,two years,then the next two years is probably going to be the same-old-me over and over again.I am like a good television show gone bad.Like Friends.When it started it was hilarious,the funniest television ever.I remember watching the first few seasons and gasping for air during every commercial break because Joey was just too damn funny.But during the later seasons,the jokes were repeated over and over,and it just got a little draggy.I'm not saying that i didnt finish watching the series(I watched all ten),but i realised the fact that things were drying up,no matter how close you felt with the cast of friends.You just wanted everything to end.

So,"It takes four days to get to like me but two to want to leave".It's true.It's true.

I'm a hundred kinds of crazy
But I only wanna find
One sweet little angel
Who's gonna let me speak my mind
All I ever do these days
Is dumb my process down
She's making her decision
But now I'm losing all my ground

Now,then i pictured myself living with myself.Under the same roof,using the same toilet,watching the same television,interacting with none other than,myself.A couple of years ago i wouldve welcomed that imagination.I mean,think about it on the surface-leve of things.You are your own's perfect roommate!Same habits,same hobbies,same taste in food,same taste in music,perfect!You dont even have to argue over the music playlist,because you are probably going to enjoy it anyway.You wont have to be afraid that he might do better than you in the upcoming test,because he is either as dumb as you,or as smart as you.There will be no competitions,no jealousy,no rivalry,perfect and harmonious environment.

But here's the catch.I dont think,in the long term,i'd be able to tolerate myself.You might say,that that is not possible,since i have been living with myself for the past twenty years.But the truth is,however,that i havent been detaching myself from...myself,often enough.I havent been living with myself in two separate entities,and because of that i havent been very truthful about feelings towards myself.

I think i get irritating overtime.Like moulds growing on a piece of bread,or moss over rocks.The rain might be beautiful,the way it splatters on your window and the melancholic colour of the world,how surreal.But nobody likes it when it rains for a week,or two weeks,or a month,or two months.Nobody likes prolonged...anything.That's humans for you,we get tired of everything that lasts,and only appreciates the ones that do not.It's screwed up,but that's the way it is.And that is the case as well,for me,i think,towards my friends.

I remember Gwyneth Paltrow's character asking Morgan Freeman's character in Se7en why he never remarried after his failed marriage.His reply struck me as something...something i could relate to myself,something that described me in a very truthful and vivid way.He said,"Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with me finds me disagreeable",and i think that is the case with me.

If i am living with myself right now,i am going to be pissed off with myself because myself is not doing this,not doing this.Doing this and doing that,and the fact that he is doing everything like you,pisses you off.I am,sooner or later,find myself disagreeable,and that is going to be the case for you guys: Friends.

It's not a very good idea living with me,because like Morgan Freeman's character,i am probably going to be the type of roommate who smashes the clock in the middle of the night because i found it irritating.You are going to find my jokes funny now,my thoughts interesting,my taste in music unique for now,but a couple of years down the line i am going to be stale,mundane,boring,dead,even.

Easy does it now
Just keep your damn mouth shut
She thinks you're hot already
Don't go and press your luck
No news is good news coming
You gotta wait to find
Don't go and blow it
You do every single time

The truth is,i am dumb.I can never have too much self-control in certain aspects.I push too far and too hard sometimes,and i end up tripping over my own foot.I try to be good,try to be nice at times,but i am the victim of my own stupidity,and end up being TOO good,and TOO nice to people.You know how such people can piss people off at times,the way those people come up to you at MRT stations,politely asking you to attend their churches a million times even after a million rejections.Sure,they are nice folks.They are looking at your with true,dignified christian eyes,but still those looks pisses you off,and you just want to smash their faces with a pickax.

Oh I'm gonna try (try)
I'm gonna try (try)
Gonna try to be myself
Although myself will wonder why
I'm gonna try (try)
I'm gonna try (try)
Gonna try to be myself this time

And it's not like this kind of thing can be abstracted out of my personality.It can't,because it is embedded.I cannot removed them like part of an equation,or a symbol in HTML code,and everything will be fixed and done.Perhaps in the future when people's character is governed by micro-chips planted in our heads.But before then,i dont think i am capable of changing,be flexible,revolutionize myself.What i can do though,what i can attempt to do,is to be MYSELF.And if you cannot stand MYSELF,then that is just too bad,because i am,in fact,self-sufficient.Just throw me Kinokuniya vouchers,i'll deal with the rest on my own.The truth is,being myself is so much easier than,to be somebody else while trying to be yourself.Isnt it?It's so hard trying.So damn hard.