In Continuum.

My Glass Castle

Dont you just love weeks like this?A hazy afternoon accompanied by the lazy sound of the fan above,spinning away effortlessly and carelessly,while you lie on top of your bed,with plain white sheets and feeling the wind on your cheeks.You take a peek at your clock,and it is a little over 9am,and you tell yourself that you still have the rest of the morning to sleep away,because there is absolutely nothing to do until...well,whatever that comes along?It feels good,it realy does.And there i was covered with my blanket,with my arms folded across my chest,thinking the exact same thoughts.It feels good to do nothing at all,even if it is just for a while.It feels down right,good.

This is roughly how my schedule has been like for the past four days or so:

6am to 630am - Breakfast
630am to 715am - Sleep
715am to 730am - Roll Call
730am to 1130am - Sleep
1130am to 1230pm - Lunch
1230pm to 530pm - Sleep
530pm to 630pm - Dinner
630pm to 730pm - Leisure + Routine Orders
730pm to 1130pm - Bath, snacks and BOOKS

As you have already noticed,i have the word 'Books' capitalized,because that's usually the main event of the day for me.I conduct such reading marathons for myself every night nowadays,stretching all the way from 730pm till...well,whatever time i decide to fall asleep.I understand,that the tax-payers out there are probably cursing your head off,that every gram of salt you buy,every shirt you purchase,every meal you decide to eat at a fancy restaurants,part of all the taxes and GSTs goes to supplying military camps with fascilities the men dont use.Instead,men like myself,spend their time reading and sleeping their days away!

Yes,you can say that about us.But i've never said that the military is a very efficient and proficient agency when it comes to monetary distribution,or utilization.In fact,the army is so bad at all the above,most of the wastages are kept under wraps,like when a student decides to kill herself,and the school tells the rest of the student cohort not to spread the words.It is really the same idea,though the result of such dreadful news is not exactly a depressive one,but rather the sound of men snoring away under covers,or like the rest of the active souls in camp,the sound of soccer balls slamming against the walls in the restroom,leaving ball marks everywhere for us to clean.

Anyway,my point is that i have been doing a hell lot of sleeping and reading,and i have forseen this week's 'excellence' in advance.Therefore,i brought along three books with me this week.Fitzgerald's 'The Last Tycoon',Kingsley Amis' 'Lucky Jim' and Jeannette Walls' 'The Glass Castle'.I started reading The Last Tycoon first,but for some reason,found myself reading the same lines over and over.The same thing happened for Lucky Jim,a sure sign of the lack of concentration,your cue to put the book down and skip to the next.So i jumped to The Glass Castle,and though not as good as Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes,it's yet another beautifully written memoir,turning tragedies into the pages of life,wonderfully documented without any remorse and full of child-like perspectives that brings a smile to your face.

The Glass Castle tells of the author's own childhood,living in different states all across America.Because Jeannette's parents are...well,out of the ordinary,her father Rex Walls is always making up reasons to move to a different state overnight.One fine night,her father would dash into the house and tell everybody to pack up and go,because FBI agents or the mob is going after the family.Of course,his father's view of FBIs and mobs are usually just landlords,chasing their rents.But to her father,it is more exciting if he told the children this side of the story.Besides,her mother is a excitement addict.

They move from place to place,and because Rex is a drunkard,never gaining ground anywhere.Always working at odd jobs and getting fired eventually,the family of four kids(Lori,Brian,Maureen and herself),are always hungry,and living in extreme and almost pathetic conditions(Toilet holes overflowing,collapsed roof and termite-infested floorboards,patched up by flattered beer cans).But despite all these,the children always had a clear perspective of where they wanted to go and who they wanted to be.And one thing was for sure: That they wanted to leave their parents and look for a better life in New York,despite the lingering respect for their parents.Because it is their parents,especially her father,who inspired her to have a motive or a goal: The Glass Castle.

The Glass Castle,throughout the books,remains only in the papers of her father's plans.He planned to build a house fully made by glass,and told the children of how he is going to build the most beautiful castle for the family.Of course,a house fully made of glass is not feasible,and Rex was too drunk and poor to do something like that all by himself.The Glass Castle was never made,and even at his death bed,Rex smiled and told Jeannette that though it was never built,it sure was something that pushed the children and the rest of the family through all the years of hardship.

Rex,though a drunkard and a bastard at times(He brought Jeannette along to the bar while he gambled,for the friends to 'touch',and at the same time distract them during a game),deep inside he is like his wife described,"A bundle of joy".Because really,Rex has his queer ways of dealing with things,and whenever the family is losing faith in him,he would look into the eyes of Jeannette and say,"Have i never let you down,Mountain Goat?" The truth was,though he did,the times that he tried to redeem himself sure made up for everything else.



There are times when,you are sitting in the front seat of the car,and the world is speeding past so quick,you forget that your hands are on your thighs,instead of the wheels.You forget that there is somebody else in the car,and that the space the both of you share is rather small,and if you dont say something it turns very awkward.There are times when i talk seizelessly,about the books i read or the news i heard,and my mother would be there listening.But there are times when the roles are changed,and i would be the one in her shoes,just listening while she tries to dig up conversational topics,and myself staring out of the window blankly,just daydreaming.

She brings up my future - my glass castle - all the time,especially so as of late.We are counting down to my ORD date now,50 exact days,and i havent even got a solid plan figured out yet.There is the education path,the drivers' licence,the travelling and so many other things in plan.But the future - is whatever time you have from this moment,to the moment that you die.It is the rest of your life,and if you are going to stretch those three mentioned goals throughout that span of time,you are going to find yourself,not looking forward to every pit stop,but rather crawling on all fours to them.Because really,i know deep inside that i have to have a plan in such things,that they dont just HAPPEN for me.But the truth is,in a way,i guess we are all petrified and scared to have our environment changed all of a sudden.There was the transition between the brainless period and the kindergarten,the period between the mindless Primary School to the serious Secondary School,and of course the dive into reality,when i got enlisted.Those were radically different phases of my life,and i am sure everybody out there has their own phases to go through as well.Whenever we are faced with the end of a chapter and the beginning of the next,this is not like the pages of an exciting thriller whereby you are just dying to know what happens next.You are just comfortable where you are,and even if it means that where you are feels like a cage sometimes,you are too institutionalized to move elsewhere.

I know i have to build my glass castle,even if it means that i have to work my ass off for it.But i have this fear of taking my first step towards it,digging the first hole in the ground to make the foundation.I havent the telephone numbers,to call up workers to build the structure,the money to buy the materials,and my blueprint is as unstable as a sand castle in a rainstorm.The truth is,i havent got a clue where my feet should land next,because before me is the ultimate leap of faith.

Faith is a backwards design,but i guess somewhere down the course of Life,everybody has to choose it,and just take that step into the unknown.The question is,however,how far you are going to take that step,if it is going to be backwards or forwards,or how long you take to make that leap of faith.Because right now,i understand that i have what it takes to make it to my glass castle,to see it standing in the sun,with the reflection of the sunlight bouncing off in every direction.I can see it,but i guess i have to overcome my inner demons first,to make myself organised,take steps,conquer,overcome.

Oh well,it's a Friday,and i have the weekend ahead.I am looking forward to the period of time from now till the 9th of December,my ORD date.This is the zone between fire and air,that blurry region you see above the tip of a raging fire,like a mirage of sorts and bending the background into distorted images.Scientists have been looking hard to understand that strange zone,and calling it the 'Grey Zone',the line between peace and chaos.The question mark,perhaps that is where i am now.I do not think by stepping into the unknown is going to plunge me into the deadly abyss,but at the same time i am not sure where it is going to take it,and it scares me just a little bit.

It is the weekend,and the rest of the days are going to be spent...well,pretty much like the last week.And i'm going to have a lot of enjoyable times spent with my books,with myself,and the rest of the world.So till the time when the mystery of the Grey Zone is solved,so long.