Man Without Goodbyes
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Man Without Goodbyes
To my friends,the closer ones,you guys mustve heard me go on and on about how my sister comes into my room once in a while,to ask for my permission on whether she could give me a bite on my arm or not.Or,jumping into my mother's bed at 3am in the morning and asks my mother if she was thinking about her.I think i mustve crafted a rather childish(Not necessarily immature,mind you)picture of my sister.But today marks the day of her growth,her step into the next level of life.Her school requires the student to be attached to different designing companies,local or overseas.And since my father knows this guy who owns a designing company in Taiwan,she will be attached there for a full month,starting from tomorrow all the way till the end of October.Which also means that my sister will be getting her first job and her first paycheck.I know,it's rather over-rated,just like i felt when i got my first paycheck(I spent $270 on DVDs),but still i guess i should be proud of her for taking this step into uncharted territory.Finally.
On her way out,she kept sticking her forehead to the side of my face.I have reasons to believe that my sister is from Venus or something,and that is the way people say goodbye to each other on that planet: By sticking foreheads to the side of others' face.She did it when i was playing guitar in the dining room as well,which was rather distracting,but it's not like i said anything to retaliate.I guess im just not a very good person and faring somebody well,to say goodbyes and wave them off like that.You can call me sentimental,but even if it is a goodbye for a short period of time,like today's episode before she left for the airport,i was caught dumbfounded,unable to say anything more than "Aiyoh!",when she stuck her head to mine.
The truth is,i've never been very good with saying "Hey,see you soon",or "Bye-Bye!" to people.Of course,in this case we are talking about people whom i care about,who have connections with me.I'm readily available to say goodbye to my relatives whenever i pay a visit to their places,no problem with that.
A couple of people left the company this week,and truthfully speaking,though people were slapping each others' backs and jeering at the fact that they were leaving,throwing them into the pond and stuff,i felt that there was a tad bit of melancholy blended in the waves of laughter and chatters.I sat with Zen on Thursday night by his bed,the last night he'd be in the camp with us.We talked about the good times that we've had in India,and the bad times we've had in Singapore.We talked and talked,and i remember telling myself that it didnt matter that this guy before me has probably more bullshit than anybody that i have ever known.He is,after all,somebody who has slept beside me for the past year or so,and with that kind of approximity,nothing else matters.I didnt say goodbye to him,not even when we booked out on Friday night.I left without seeing him,because in a way i felt awkward and strange to say something,anything.But at the same time i was in conflict with myself,because i felt the same not saying something either.It was rather complicated and confusing,as i took big strides towards the gate all by myself.
I remember those trips i frequently took back to Taiwan when i was in Primary and Secondary school.My family got to know the Zhong family through business relations,and somehow the kids of both families grew up together.My sister and i represented the city rats,while they represented the country-side people,though they are not nearly as primitive.They were a nice bunch of people,just living in the outskirts of HsinChu,Taiwan.We used to visit them twice a year,and we were have a blast at their place,running through fields of harvested crops and building furnaces with chunks of solid mud to bake potatoes and chickens.They were fabulous,and i remember there was this year when the strange uncle from next door decided to grill fish in the starlight above an empty oil barrel.We used to take bicycle rides to the back of the house as well,where a huge stretch of farmland awaited us,and whenever we ride past those pig stys,we would hold our breaths and race each other to the top of the hill.Those we good days,really.
By the end of the day,my aunt would drag my sister and I into the car,and with the window down,forced to say goodbye and promise to see each other again.I remember the last time we were there,when we rolled down the windows almost ceremoniously,and told each other that this parting would be short.It was particularly cold in the country side that night,and i remember seeing the stars sparkling in the distant sky.
We never met again,and our contacts reduced to MSN conversations once in a million years.Instead,the only person whom i talk to with that childhood gang of mine is a girl called Sarah,five years older than me.Which is kinda sad,when you think about what happened after the word "Goodbye",if it was merely a word people pluck to the end of sentences like punctuations,and how many people actually meant the words they said.It's sad to see a friendship deteriorate to this state,when the last time you've met,the word "Goodbye" was so hopeful and wistful,you almost expected this relationship to last forever.
We are all attracted to temporary things,arent we?We all love the idea of "Goodbye",and that partings are merely temporary and never a lasting thing.It's like a wild shot at the target in the dark,into the unknown future where everything is blurry and unpredictable.We merely hope that we are going to meet again,and the problem with us not doing so as predicted is that people brush it off and say,"Well,people move on.People change.It can't be helped".It's just sad,how the word "Goodbye",like "Love",has become a word used for the sake of using them.
I was watching United 93 yesterday,the movie about the fourth hijacked plane during the 9/11 that didnt reach the target,but crashed somewhere in Shanksville, Pennsylvania,because the passengers and crew onboard fought back.It is not known if the plane crashed because the terrorists decided to do so to prevent the passengers from taking over,or if the passengers(One of them was a pilot)were unable to bring the plane back up from a low altitude.But the truth is that towards the end of the doomed journey,passengers on board the plane called home to their loved ones and told them how much they loved them,and at the end of the phone call,like any other phone call,they ended all of them with a simple "Goodbye".
It is moments like that,only during those moments,will people truly treasure words like "Love",or "Goodbye".Because they mean something,because death follows swift after those words,and it is not like those words are going to be said again through the same lips.All i am saying is,everything is amplified through death.With death looming up in front of you,the significance of the things around you jumps a couple of notches.Like focusing the colour of a picture with Photoshop,everything is suddenly more vivid and real,and more beautiful in a way.
Like the soft "Goodbyes" uttered under the breaths of those doomed passengers,like the "I love you" they whispered through the recievers.All of those,through death and separation,suddenly focused like a dozen brilliant blend of colours and projected to the world,renewed and beautiful.
To my friends,the closer ones,you guys mustve heard me go on and on about how my sister comes into my room once in a while,to ask for my permission on whether she could give me a bite on my arm or not.Or,jumping into my mother's bed at 3am in the morning and asks my mother if she was thinking about her.I think i mustve crafted a rather childish(Not necessarily immature,mind you)picture of my sister.But today marks the day of her growth,her step into the next level of life.Her school requires the student to be attached to different designing companies,local or overseas.And since my father knows this guy who owns a designing company in Taiwan,she will be attached there for a full month,starting from tomorrow all the way till the end of October.Which also means that my sister will be getting her first job and her first paycheck.I know,it's rather over-rated,just like i felt when i got my first paycheck(I spent $270 on DVDs),but still i guess i should be proud of her for taking this step into uncharted territory.Finally.
On her way out,she kept sticking her forehead to the side of my face.I have reasons to believe that my sister is from Venus or something,and that is the way people say goodbye to each other on that planet: By sticking foreheads to the side of others' face.She did it when i was playing guitar in the dining room as well,which was rather distracting,but it's not like i said anything to retaliate.I guess im just not a very good person and faring somebody well,to say goodbyes and wave them off like that.You can call me sentimental,but even if it is a goodbye for a short period of time,like today's episode before she left for the airport,i was caught dumbfounded,unable to say anything more than "Aiyoh!",when she stuck her head to mine.
The truth is,i've never been very good with saying "Hey,see you soon",or "Bye-Bye!" to people.Of course,in this case we are talking about people whom i care about,who have connections with me.I'm readily available to say goodbye to my relatives whenever i pay a visit to their places,no problem with that.
A couple of people left the company this week,and truthfully speaking,though people were slapping each others' backs and jeering at the fact that they were leaving,throwing them into the pond and stuff,i felt that there was a tad bit of melancholy blended in the waves of laughter and chatters.I sat with Zen on Thursday night by his bed,the last night he'd be in the camp with us.We talked about the good times that we've had in India,and the bad times we've had in Singapore.We talked and talked,and i remember telling myself that it didnt matter that this guy before me has probably more bullshit than anybody that i have ever known.He is,after all,somebody who has slept beside me for the past year or so,and with that kind of approximity,nothing else matters.I didnt say goodbye to him,not even when we booked out on Friday night.I left without seeing him,because in a way i felt awkward and strange to say something,anything.But at the same time i was in conflict with myself,because i felt the same not saying something either.It was rather complicated and confusing,as i took big strides towards the gate all by myself.
I remember those trips i frequently took back to Taiwan when i was in Primary and Secondary school.My family got to know the Zhong family through business relations,and somehow the kids of both families grew up together.My sister and i represented the city rats,while they represented the country-side people,though they are not nearly as primitive.They were a nice bunch of people,just living in the outskirts of HsinChu,Taiwan.We used to visit them twice a year,and we were have a blast at their place,running through fields of harvested crops and building furnaces with chunks of solid mud to bake potatoes and chickens.They were fabulous,and i remember there was this year when the strange uncle from next door decided to grill fish in the starlight above an empty oil barrel.We used to take bicycle rides to the back of the house as well,where a huge stretch of farmland awaited us,and whenever we ride past those pig stys,we would hold our breaths and race each other to the top of the hill.Those we good days,really.
By the end of the day,my aunt would drag my sister and I into the car,and with the window down,forced to say goodbye and promise to see each other again.I remember the last time we were there,when we rolled down the windows almost ceremoniously,and told each other that this parting would be short.It was particularly cold in the country side that night,and i remember seeing the stars sparkling in the distant sky.
We never met again,and our contacts reduced to MSN conversations once in a million years.Instead,the only person whom i talk to with that childhood gang of mine is a girl called Sarah,five years older than me.Which is kinda sad,when you think about what happened after the word "Goodbye",if it was merely a word people pluck to the end of sentences like punctuations,and how many people actually meant the words they said.It's sad to see a friendship deteriorate to this state,when the last time you've met,the word "Goodbye" was so hopeful and wistful,you almost expected this relationship to last forever.
We are all attracted to temporary things,arent we?We all love the idea of "Goodbye",and that partings are merely temporary and never a lasting thing.It's like a wild shot at the target in the dark,into the unknown future where everything is blurry and unpredictable.We merely hope that we are going to meet again,and the problem with us not doing so as predicted is that people brush it off and say,"Well,people move on.People change.It can't be helped".It's just sad,how the word "Goodbye",like "Love",has become a word used for the sake of using them.
I was watching United 93 yesterday,the movie about the fourth hijacked plane during the 9/11 that didnt reach the target,but crashed somewhere in Shanksville, Pennsylvania,because the passengers and crew onboard fought back.It is not known if the plane crashed because the terrorists decided to do so to prevent the passengers from taking over,or if the passengers(One of them was a pilot)were unable to bring the plane back up from a low altitude.But the truth is that towards the end of the doomed journey,passengers on board the plane called home to their loved ones and told them how much they loved them,and at the end of the phone call,like any other phone call,they ended all of them with a simple "Goodbye".
It is moments like that,only during those moments,will people truly treasure words like "Love",or "Goodbye".Because they mean something,because death follows swift after those words,and it is not like those words are going to be said again through the same lips.All i am saying is,everything is amplified through death.With death looming up in front of you,the significance of the things around you jumps a couple of notches.Like focusing the colour of a picture with Photoshop,everything is suddenly more vivid and real,and more beautiful in a way.
Like the soft "Goodbyes" uttered under the breaths of those doomed passengers,like the "I love you" they whispered through the recievers.All of those,through death and separation,suddenly focused like a dozen brilliant blend of colours and projected to the world,renewed and beautiful.
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