"At 68, You Renegotiate"
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
"At 68, You Renegotiate"
No,I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly,
Won't someone stop this train?
The last days of 2006 also marked the last day of a close relative.I remember when my grandmother died in 1999,i wished dearly for her to see the lights and fireworks of the Millenium before she goes.But she never made it that far,succumbing to cancer in a hospital in Taipei.Seems like in the last decade,death has surrounded my family for a long time.I mean,when your relatives reach a certain age group,the probability of them dying of course,gets higher and higher.That is what happened at the end of last year,the declaration of the dying of my father's second brother,the first death in my father's generation...
Here's a little family history.And like all family history,please bear with me.My father has five other siblings.Four brothers and a sister.But here's the funny thing,i have no idea what their names are.You cant blame me for that,because i usually visit Taiwan just once a year,and even with that kind of frequency i dont get to see all of them.When i do i usually draw a circle of exactly one metre radius all around.Physically people can enter the perimeters sure,but i dont allow anybody to enter into a deeper level because they will drag me down to their level.But anyway,my parents dont try to reinforce their names into my head either,and addresses them as "First Brother",or "Second Brother".But personally,i do have my own set of nicknames for them,according to their physical appearances mostly.
Don't know how else to say it
Don't wanna see my parents grow old
One generation's length away
To finding life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly,
Won't someone stop this train
The Big Brother.The Flat-headed Brother.The Fat One.The Sister and the Lip.The Big Brother is called the Big Brother for obvious reasons.The Flat-headed Brother is addressed as so because of his hairstyle.Cool cut,military style throughout the times i have known that guy.The Fat One,for obvious reasons as well.The Sister,because she is the only female in the family other than my grandmother,though she acts so much like a man sometimes you wonder if something went wrong genetically.The Lip is called the Lip because he talks too much,and his lips are so thick he looks as if he is eating Taiwanese sausages 24/7.But anyway,my dad is the youngest in the family,the baby boy.
The second brother - the flat-headed one - has a liver that is failing.That is really because of the habit that my father's generation cultivated.All of them are heavy drinkers,though none of them smokes.The second generation after my father's,drinks AND smokes.I am like,the saving grace of the family i guess.I drink,but they are so far in between that people usually stare at me with that wide-eyed expression when i do.I remember two months ago when i attended the platoon outing,Eddie came to me with a cup of vodka-something (I dont know what the hell he added),and told me to drink it under three seconds.Before he even finished that sentence,i emptied the cup in under two,and he was positively amazed.Yeah,it runs in the family in terms of the capacity to drink,but im not so sure about cigarettes.They are just too expensive for my liking i guess.
So scared at getting older
I'm only good at being young
So i play the numbers game to
Find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said,"Help me understand."
He said,"At 68,
You renegotiate."
Anyway,there are doctors attending to father's second brother.One of them says that he has one in ten chance of survival,while the other said the situations arent even that pessimistic.It is rather complicated,and the siblings are gathered at the hospital to take care of him.In the meantime,i think it is down to the prayers in the night,the way your ten fingers intersects one another in silent murmurs...just praying for a miracle,with that little light of hope,anything.
I dont know.I think my father has fully accepted the possibility of death in one's life.I mean,when his father died,he threw a tandrum in the hospital,and was half drunk while doing so.He couldnt accept the possibility of death in his own family,as if the money and the wealth guaranteed immortality.But that is not the case,as my grandfather succumbed to age and died in the hospital a year or two ago.Now,just back from the hospital,he is sitting at the dining table eating Chou4 Dou4 Fu3,or Smelly Tofu.Now the whole house smells like a bloody toilet.
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Dont think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John,honestly
We'll never stop this train
Once in awhile
When it's good
It will feel like it should
When they're all still around
And you're still save and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're
Driving away in the dark
He seems to be dealing fine with the issue,still joking around and bullying the dog.I guess i am glad that he is not taking it to heart,the way he did the last time in the hospital.But i can see it,the way i imagine myself seeing it.Just think about it,the death of your father is the issue with that generation.But the death of your brother is the issue of your own!That is a scary thought,and you start to wonder if the next person on Death's list is you,if he is going to visit you one fine night with the sickle and take your life.You wonder if the next is you,or which one of the siblings are going to go next.Because traditionally,your parents will go first,right?So what happens when the first brother is in his death bed?When is it going to be you?
We all want our trains to stop,dont we?We all ignore the fact that it is moving so quickly,but when you stare out of the window once in a while and see the fleeting scenary,you start to wonder if you are ever going to get to the first carriage and convince the driver to pull on the brakes.Because we all want this train of ours to stop,though it is not possible.Not possible at all...
Singing stop this train.
I want to get off and go home again
I cant take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
'cause now I see
I'll never stop this train...
No,I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly,
Won't someone stop this train?
The last days of 2006 also marked the last day of a close relative.I remember when my grandmother died in 1999,i wished dearly for her to see the lights and fireworks of the Millenium before she goes.But she never made it that far,succumbing to cancer in a hospital in Taipei.Seems like in the last decade,death has surrounded my family for a long time.I mean,when your relatives reach a certain age group,the probability of them dying of course,gets higher and higher.That is what happened at the end of last year,the declaration of the dying of my father's second brother,the first death in my father's generation...
Here's a little family history.And like all family history,please bear with me.My father has five other siblings.Four brothers and a sister.But here's the funny thing,i have no idea what their names are.You cant blame me for that,because i usually visit Taiwan just once a year,and even with that kind of frequency i dont get to see all of them.When i do i usually draw a circle of exactly one metre radius all around.Physically people can enter the perimeters sure,but i dont allow anybody to enter into a deeper level because they will drag me down to their level.But anyway,my parents dont try to reinforce their names into my head either,and addresses them as "First Brother",or "Second Brother".But personally,i do have my own set of nicknames for them,according to their physical appearances mostly.
Don't know how else to say it
Don't wanna see my parents grow old
One generation's length away
To finding life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly,
Won't someone stop this train
The Big Brother.The Flat-headed Brother.The Fat One.The Sister and the Lip.The Big Brother is called the Big Brother for obvious reasons.The Flat-headed Brother is addressed as so because of his hairstyle.Cool cut,military style throughout the times i have known that guy.The Fat One,for obvious reasons as well.The Sister,because she is the only female in the family other than my grandmother,though she acts so much like a man sometimes you wonder if something went wrong genetically.The Lip is called the Lip because he talks too much,and his lips are so thick he looks as if he is eating Taiwanese sausages 24/7.But anyway,my dad is the youngest in the family,the baby boy.
The second brother - the flat-headed one - has a liver that is failing.That is really because of the habit that my father's generation cultivated.All of them are heavy drinkers,though none of them smokes.The second generation after my father's,drinks AND smokes.I am like,the saving grace of the family i guess.I drink,but they are so far in between that people usually stare at me with that wide-eyed expression when i do.I remember two months ago when i attended the platoon outing,Eddie came to me with a cup of vodka-something (I dont know what the hell he added),and told me to drink it under three seconds.Before he even finished that sentence,i emptied the cup in under two,and he was positively amazed.Yeah,it runs in the family in terms of the capacity to drink,but im not so sure about cigarettes.They are just too expensive for my liking i guess.
So scared at getting older
I'm only good at being young
So i play the numbers game to
Find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said,"Help me understand."
He said,"At 68,
You renegotiate."
Anyway,there are doctors attending to father's second brother.One of them says that he has one in ten chance of survival,while the other said the situations arent even that pessimistic.It is rather complicated,and the siblings are gathered at the hospital to take care of him.In the meantime,i think it is down to the prayers in the night,the way your ten fingers intersects one another in silent murmurs...just praying for a miracle,with that little light of hope,anything.
I dont know.I think my father has fully accepted the possibility of death in one's life.I mean,when his father died,he threw a tandrum in the hospital,and was half drunk while doing so.He couldnt accept the possibility of death in his own family,as if the money and the wealth guaranteed immortality.But that is not the case,as my grandfather succumbed to age and died in the hospital a year or two ago.Now,just back from the hospital,he is sitting at the dining table eating Chou4 Dou4 Fu3,or Smelly Tofu.Now the whole house smells like a bloody toilet.
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Dont think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John,honestly
We'll never stop this train
Once in awhile
When it's good
It will feel like it should
When they're all still around
And you're still save and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're
Driving away in the dark
He seems to be dealing fine with the issue,still joking around and bullying the dog.I guess i am glad that he is not taking it to heart,the way he did the last time in the hospital.But i can see it,the way i imagine myself seeing it.Just think about it,the death of your father is the issue with that generation.But the death of your brother is the issue of your own!That is a scary thought,and you start to wonder if the next person on Death's list is you,if he is going to visit you one fine night with the sickle and take your life.You wonder if the next is you,or which one of the siblings are going to go next.Because traditionally,your parents will go first,right?So what happens when the first brother is in his death bed?When is it going to be you?
We all want our trains to stop,dont we?We all ignore the fact that it is moving so quickly,but when you stare out of the window once in a while and see the fleeting scenary,you start to wonder if you are ever going to get to the first carriage and convince the driver to pull on the brakes.Because we all want this train of ours to stop,though it is not possible.Not possible at all...
Singing stop this train.
I want to get off and go home again
I cant take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
'cause now I see
I'll never stop this train...
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on Tuesday, January 02, 2007 at 9:07 PM.
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