In Continuum.

Blindfold and Blackmail

I dont remember me ever looking forward to any Christmas of any year,for the past nineteen years.Nothing special ever happened,nothing memorable.It's not like i am being pessimistic or whatever,but i was merely protecting myself from the downfall of expectations.You know how it is,when one has a certain level of expectation,you fall the hardest when it is not met.So i never had any hopes for Christmas,birthdays,New Years etc.Never.It's a sort of automatical self-defensive system inside my body working up,i'm just not built to enjoy myself,or have any expectations for holiday seasons.Go back a few months to an entry i typed somewhere in January titled 'Festive Bullshit'.You'd know what i mean.

So this year was no different,initially.The decorations were up on Orchard by mid November,and employees of almost every single shop in town was forced to wear Christmas caps,with a white furry ball at the very tip.Christmas songs and carols ruled the speakers lined along the streets,crazy women nudging their way through the crowd at year-end Christmas sales and not to forget the poor Caucasian man dressed as Santa,pretending to be having a blast giving out chocolates and vouchers,when in actual fact he is subliming inside the suit,under the blazing hot sun.But of course,that is if the sun exist at all in the first place.This year's holiday season was greeted with a whole army of storms,rain and wind.So in the place of snow we had a whole bunch of rain,flooding the streets of Singapore all the way to Johor Baru.Great,now instead of snow-skiing we can water-ski,and instead of reindeers we should steal some sea lions from the zoo to drag out sampans.

As you might already have guessed,i have a rather pessimistic outlook on Christmas.Look a couple of entries down this current one,the entry 'Sad Christmas' says it all.But you have to understand,those thoughts and that entry were the result of pre-Christmas-2006.Every one of those thoughts occured before the 25th of this year,which means that they do not stand for ME any longer.You might ask why the sudden change of perspective on Christmas?That is because i just had the most beautiful Christmas ever...with the most special person whom i call,the love to call my own.

Christmas morning was like no other.There was no Christmas tree in my house,with glittering boxes covered in beautiful wrapping paper waiting for me.It was the same old house,same old weather and same old...well,almost everything.My father woke me up,with his big face filling up the whole of my narrowed vision of the morning,grinning and greeting.They were leaving for the airport,going for Taiwan a day before myself.It was all planned,as i secretly undertook the steps to my grand surprise at the end of the day.I didnt tell them what i was going to do while they are away,but i guess as long as i dont destroy the house,or miss the plane i should do fine with whatever i want.

*

I've never been to Raffles' Hotel before,to be honest.Sure,the gravel driveway and the famous doorman with the turban and the feather.But to be inside the hotel itself was something i experienced for the first time on Christmas Day.To say that it was Christmas mustve been the understatement of the year,somewhat.I mean,it was hot as hell and the population of the hotel was so sparse.It was as if by 12nn,the residence were still very much asleep,tired from yesterday night's partying,perhaps.

I was lost amidst the corridors and the gardens inside the hotel,while at the same time ogling at the serenity of this oasis in the middle of the bustling town.Over the round speakers mounted into the ceilings of the corridors,the soft sound of children singing Christmas carols filled the empty hallways,and i wonder if i was in the wrong place for her choir's carolling sessions.But of course,the lot of them came out of the Lady Sophia's Suite soon after i arrived at the venue and lined up in two neat rows.The men were in neat black suits with red ties while the ladies were in white gowns.They looked beautiful,especially my beau with her newly trimmed hair falling on the plain white gown.She looked small next to her friend RuiQi,but was especially outstanding to me as i watched her perform for the first time.

So there were four sessions,and they went for only three.They were great,with the lot of them coming together in the main lobby for the last hoorah.It was thunderous,the way the voices resonated around the cold marble walls and floors of the lobby and into the hearts of the people that filled the place.The applause was overwhelming at the end as well,as they ladies gracefully glided across the carpet and out of the glass doors.I'm not a fan of choral music,or Christmas songs for that matter.But i do know at least,what the difference is between a good singing and a bad one.That definitely was something awesome,something staggering in itself worthy of remembrance.

*

The wind was soft in our faces,with the wind chime singing it's music on the second floor of a neighbour i know not of.The tarmac road was still moist to the afternoon's drizzle,and it crunched under our shoes as we made our way to the void deck under my house.

It was a strange feeling to get into my own house,knowing that from now till the next morning,nobody is ever going to disturb us whatsoever.We were the ruler of the house,the owner of this small confined world of ours.And it was as if,as long as we stayed within the walls of the house,we'd be safe.It was still too early for the surprise and besides,the man in the telephone did warn me about the overflowing orders of pizza during the day.

It finally came twenty minutes after eight.The tables were set,the candles awaited.The sound of Sufjan Stevens' bango-playing surged through the empty livingroom as i led her out towards the balcony,with one hand blindfolding her eyes while the other around her waist.She chuckled under her breath,and after i revealed the surprised,we embraced and kissed as the salty evening wind hinted of the coming rain in the night.Christmas is here,i thought to myself.This is Christmas,this is real.

*

The candles flickered and went out,succumbed to the force of the wind.We gave up trying to light them,and concentrated on the pizza and the other food that came along with it.She sat with her legs folded on the straw bench,the oil from the pizza all over her fingertips.The Pepsi fizzled and went out,as we ran our fingers down the list of alternative Christmas songs i especially picked and burnt.The night wore on,and the candles were left on the table,with the tips of the thread burnt and the wax still intact.But still,we stared out into the city below,with the glittering streetlights and the coming rain,feeling tiny dots of them on our faces and then turning off the lights in the balcony and the livingroom altogether.There was a perfect serenity,perfect silence right there and then,as we embraced and kissed for the millionth time that night,never enough for it is always one time little,one time too short.

It finally fell,like the tears of a saddened heart pretending to be strong after a hug.The sky was purple for some reason,and we admired it from the cover of darkness from my balcony,cuddled in the corner of the straw bench with me,talking deep into the night.It was just us against the world,so careless and so beautiful...

Okay,there are so many things that happened,things that are pulling the strings hooked to the either corners of my mouth,tugging them upwards.So i am just going to say everything in one paragraph.Breathe,and here goes.

I loved the way you walked out in a single-file and waved at me with your palms below your waist.I loved the way you took careful glances at me while singing in a crowd.I loved the way your hair fell on your white gown,fitting so well and standing way out.I loved the way you came out of the practising room and walked towards me with those slow steps.I loved the way your hair fluttered as we ran across the busy road.I loved the way your cheeks rolled as your chewed on your Cheeseburger.I loved the way you held my hand all along as we ran together.I loved the way you sang softly to yourself as your juniors did so without you.I loved the way your mouth spred opened into a smile after you poked me awake at the cafe.I loved the way you disappeared into the crowd during the last session,but your presence always being there with me.

I loved the way you took small steps out of the lobbey,following the girl in front.I loved the way you placed your head on my shoulder in the train as it sped down the tracks through the dark tunnels.I loved the way your hair tickled my neck as we talked and talked and talked.I loved the way the security guard stared at us when we walked through the entrance hand in hand.I loved the way you entered the empty house of mine and said,"I am home!".

I loved the way you jumped onto my bed and threatened to take over my room.I loved the way the blue light from the monitor shone on your face as i entered the room.I loved the way the guitar was too big for you,but you played it anyway.I loved the way you tried to strum to A Rush of Blood to the Head,but tried you very best at it.I loved the way i felt your pulse from your top as i placed my hand on your body.I loved the way you chuckled under your breath with anticipation as i led you through the livingroom towards the balcony.I loved the way you said nothing after seeing the candles and kissed me.I loved the way you ate the chicken wing all so carefully.

I loved the way we sat in the quiet livingroom,without saying a word and talking at the same time.I loved the way your wet hair fell on your bare shoulders after the hot bath.I loved the way your eyes were blood shot after the shampoo came down.I loved the way you wore your red glasses,with the wet hair falling over the lenses.I loved the way that shirt was way too big for your body.I loved the way the top covered 3/4 of your shorts.I loved the way we cuddled as we watched the movie deep into the night.I loved the way you sipped your water carefully from the pink cup i handed you.

I loved the way we walked through the dark house together as if we owned the place.I loved the way our footsteps echoed down the corridors,the sound dominating over all else.I loved the way we were in the wrong direction in bed and we didnt care.I loved the way the rain fell and we went back to the balcony.I loved the way you took over half the bed and forced me to the edge.I loved the way you checked the time with me all of a sudden,and i loved the way you took out that black mail as a surprise.I loved the way i couldnt give my thanks,and i loved the way in return,you spoke no words at all.I loved the way i ran my fingers over the glitter,and i loved the way you didnt want me to read it right there and then.I loved the way we fell asleep into each others' arms,and i loved the way i still held your hand when we finally did fall asleep.

I loved the way i woke up to your warmth.I loved the way your hands rubbed mine in the morning chill.I loved the way you wanted to sleep somemore in the morning,and i loved the way you smiled to the breakfast i made.I loved the way you waited on the bed for me as i prepared my luggages,and i loved the way you played with the big yellow fish in the tank.I loved the way we waited for the taxi in the rain,and i loved the way we held hands quietly in the backseat.I loved the way,as the taxi turned into the road in front of your house,our hands tightened naturally.I loved the way your face looked through the rain distorted window of the car,and i loved the way your figured disappeared under your block...into the rain.

I loved so many aspects about you on this special Christmas Day,i swear i had to edit half the actual amount i typed just to fit everything into the blog.But one thing is for sure,that thanks to you my Christmas was wholly complete.Thanks for risking your neck by asking your mother,whatever you asked.Thanks for the surprise,thanks for the time and the warmth,and thanks for just...being there on this Christmas,the most special one in my twenty years of life.

May there be ever more Christmas to look forward to,in the years to come for us,love.The card i read in the taxi had me tearing with joy,to be honest.I never felt that way before,and in the cab that afternoon i surely did...You are the only person who can make me feel this way and that,and feel totally comforted and safe all at the same time.Even though i am thousands of miles away from you right now,all i want to tell you is that despite the distance,you are with me still.And that from the bottom of my wrecked heart,beneath the words i failed to utter and the ones that were and failed...

I love you.